Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

Time flies.
I started this post six days ago

I think up the purpose and an outline of a post at least every day. ... S13, D17 and D19 need my attention though. S13 at 11:45 last night. "Sorry to wake you up. Dad, dad, I don't feel good. My belly hurts. I think it's sick feeling." Nyquil and vitamin C and a glass of water.

I still go through the archives and older threads. Yes, my D is final and I'm working through the aftermath and consequences. The lessons in relationships and personal growth though... Well, I'm still learning a lot from real people's stories and their attempts at applying DB lessons. Often said here, applying DB concepts becomes life long.

How do I pick threads? Well ...a variety of ways...though it really is just when something catches my interest.

The latest is from my FB alt account. I get friend suggestions there with last or first names being DB or DeeBee with the other names being their forum name. If they were involved enough to make an alt account, there is probably much to read. The latest is from rockedworld and associated threads.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2049467&page=all

The search here is ... lacking ... So hit your favorite search engine with "site:divorcebusting.com nameyouwanttofind"

Things that resonated

On the complaining WAS who is in an A....

(He swears they are just "friends" now and only hung out together with a group of people. Whatever! )Sheesh!

I am happy to give you the # to 1-800-WAAAAHHH that flowmom gave me for my H. wink The nerve of them complaining to us! I will never understand that.

You WILL go through the stages. And as you detach (lose your spouse goggles?) you will see your spouse for what they are right now.

My H's behavior this past weekend created a turning point for me I think. It was just so unbelievably selfish and pathetic. I had been really grieving prior to that, and still have my sad moments. But, now... I almost feel repulsed when I look at him. Hard to imagine.... this man I loved so deeply and was so attracted to for over twenty years. And now, .... well, ugh!

This is the feeling that catapults you out of the grief and mourning phase. You get to this phase when you are ready to see and accept what's in front of you and not what you thought you had in front of you.

Remember ...

Hey Romeo... it's called Eau d' Je suis vaut la peine wink

In case anyone is wondering... that means Essence of I am worth it! That is my attitude these days. smile

Why does it always seem to occur around 20 years together? Is there something about the human condition that makes 20 years the hump to get over?

Next week is our 20th wedding anniversary.

Today I am sad. frown

I'm facing this now. I just don't know. Just packed things away for now...

What have others done with wedding photos/mementos? I find this is one of the hardest things to deal with.

I worked 6 hours going through everything H had given me-keepsakes, stuffed animals, cards, love letters, the whole 9 yards as it is said. I tossed most everything out. The more beautiful love letters and cards, I placed in a box along with our wedding album and put it in H's home office. When he arrived back home, he saw the box and said "are there things in there you want me to have". I said yes, nothing more.

I felt okay about it all. I cried, got mad, cried some more when I went through everything as I don't want a D. I did feel somewhat "cleansed" of my pain after I tossed out the memorabilia. The pictures of H and I together were the hardest to deal with, these went into the round file too.......

I think that I need to just put all of that stuff in a box and store it away for now. I am not ready to go through it all and I feel it would set me back in my progress right now. Some day I will. Just not now. And that's OK.

I put all our albums in a bin, and stuck it in the garage. I think I labeled it "open upon my death"

It's there, should I ever want to look at it. If 20 years go by and I haven't opened it, I will just chuck it.

We often feel like we have to be taking action, doing something, setting things final ... Though we don't have to. Be stable and comfortable in limbo or other.

Still, don't feel pressured to slam shut any doors that you don't have to. You don't have to walk through them, take your time.

This concept is connected to the poem I copied from others before -
“Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?”
-Lao tzu

Understand you can only control and work on YOU. Do the right thing. Know your values and boundaries. Own your part. Be able to sleep at night because you know it. WAS and OM/OW? That is on them.

We are DB'ing, not promoting Divorce, but UNTIL the interlopers are out of the picture and our Spouses focus on themselves, we really can't do much else.

But I can sleep at night. Sinclair, I want you to be able to look in the mirror and KNOW you did the right thing and can sleep at night too.

In the end your self respect is resident in you.

And IS defined by YOUR actions and choices.

When we come here we don't see that right away. It is a process to get there.
...
Your values and your integrity. You can never go wrong when you do that because it is not dependent on the action or reaction of another person.

All the boundaries in the world will not restore that in yourself.

So choose your boundaries wisely and for YOU. And make sure you are prepared to make consequences for them and that they align with YOUR goals.

In the end your self respect is resident in you.

Umm yeah, but I have yet to meet a person with healthy self-esteem that doesn't have healthy boundaries.

And I've seen a lot of marriages get into trouble because both spouses didn't have healthy boundaries.

Time makes a good point Sinclair and one I should clarify.

I am not condoning bad behavior. What I am saying is that your boundaries are for you. To protect you.

Not to control someone's behavior or have an expectation that it will do anything but protect you from the bad behavior.

I am also saying that what your W chooses to do despite your boundary should not have a bearing on your self respect.

For instance she can choose to ignore your boundary. Does that mean she doesn't respect you? Maybe. Maybe she feels like she's being controled? Maybe because it's Tuesday.

If anyone here can give you the answer to that then have them give you the winning lottery numbers too.

Don't tie your W's choices to YOUR self respect.

The operative word is healthy. Healthy for you.

g