I am 42M, my wife is 38F. Typical enough situation from what I have read, and I have read a lot.
TLDR: Possible MLC? Emotional Affair and now in Limbo.
3 young kids 6 years and under. Married 8 years. Together 14. My first real understanding that something was wrong came around 8 months ago was when emotional distance, avoidance, reduced intimacy. At the same time she was spending more time away from home partying, work. Anytime i tried to start a conversation there would be an excuse. She complained of stress, and being too busy. I've always been helpful at home so I started doing so much that there was nothing left for her to do at home and it became clear her excuses weren't genuine.
It got to the point I confronted her and asked was she not lonely and did she not want to be with me. She said she didn't know. I had to travel for work and came back a week later and got the BD -'I never loved you' etc - 'I want to buy a house and move out' - but at the same time couldn't fault me and said I was a great father. At that time I had already read one or two articles about walk away wife and midlife crisis so I didn't react as badly as most people would (although I was expecting ILYBNILWY - so a bit of a shock with what I actually got). I had one or two conversations of pleading, bargaining, questioning but probably not as much as most and then I started giving her space. Luckily, at the same time I was working on NMMNG and this really helped my mood, I got busy at the gym, and with jobs at home I had procrastinated on, reading more, bought new clothes. All while giving her space.
I opened up on a few things that I was learning about myself and working on (I was never very emotional or vulnerable) as the conversations came up and she seemed curious. She even started opening up about herself, childhood issues (of course) and said she was going to start IC.
2 months after BD I was suspecting an affair (she denied it at BD). I snooped and found she had been texting a guy she used to work with. Texts were deleted so I don't know what was sent (thankfully I think). I waited a week until I calmed down. I confronted to see if she would admit it but she didn't, I said I knew and handed her a letter (a 2x4 you might say) saying we would have to seperate. She then went to my inlaws and told them but came back and asked for time. She cant afford to buy a house. A day or two later she said she ended the affair (she said) and asked for time and a few more counselling sessions.
Separate beds since then.
This is about 2 -3 months ago. She seemed to go through a bit of a depression (withdrawal?) and still avoiding talking to me about relationship. I don't bring it up much. I am in a great mood most days, having fun with the kids. Getting more of my life back. I gave up a lot to help with the young kids. No overt signs of the affair anymore. I guess i made a mistake not bargaining for phone access.
Since she stayed at home I have been trying to be a good husband but without putting pressure on. Including her in everything family related. Took her out for an anniversary dinner (kept it light). Still doing family things together. Wrote her a letter on anniversay trying her lift her mood and make her feel appreciated and reiterated that I know I have to change to and I want to talk.
In-laws are pro M. They knew she had been acting angry and strange. They talk to me. She doesn't talk much to them or anyone at the moment. I've seen improvements in her mood but still no R talk, no remorse, no apologies. She does things for me around the house that she doesn't have to (breadcrumbs?) Bought me some christmas gifts (inexpensive but thoughtful).
2 weeks ago she said she'd write me a letter. Still haven't seen it.
She did say she was trying to be open minded about MC but didn't want to give me 'false hope'. I brushed it off because I want more enthusiasm than that. She is still going on a few nights out with girl friends (and staying away over night) but time away from house isn't as much as it was.
So I am at a bit of a decision point.
Do I start to draw boundaries around her acting less like a single woman and more like a wife?
(could be important for my NMMNG journey to get more assertive and dominant BUT she is an avoidant and has always been very independent and stubborn).
Do i wait it out and keep doing what I'm doing and she'll eventually open up?
