So just an update on my part. I now have a separation agreement revised and drafted and signed by my stbxw. The court deadline for financial disclosure is also now on the 15th of January. So all that's required now is that I have a zoom meeting with my lawyer for me to sign with her as a witness. Its been a long six months between adapting to lifestyle here, along with new job which I'm getting better at and finding some success in. The longer this process has dragged on the harder it has become, like a feeling of being in a prison in my own life. The dreams of push and pull with stbxw continue but at a lesser frequency. It feels like the subconscious is the last hold out in the process. At least I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and closure is approaching.
I know I will never get proper closure from her and at least a breaking of all ties financial and legal is enough for me. The financial destruction caused by having to maintain debt servicing, the expenditures of having to rent a vehicle and the now 20k in legal fees for a divorce with no alimony, no child support and basically just a split in proceeds of marital home has pushed me back a year or 2.
On the personal life front I have quickly made a lot of friends and have found a local place where socializing is suited to my personality. I got out of my comfort zone big time and went to a new years party of which I managed to get home at 9am, was fun to get that experience in a new place. Ive become a lot more comfortable with friendships and acquaintances from the opposite sex, something I've almost had to relearn as I met stbxw at age 18 and am now approaching 43. I shut myself out of women during that time out of respect for my partner and feels like I'm an apprentice learning the ropes again.
The one thing I'm still grappling with is whether I should ever consider having any sort of friendship with stbxw in the future, certainly not now and certainly not with any legal or financial ties. I do still care about her well being and don't desire any hardship on her, you can't just erase a whole life together and shared experiences. I think for this to even be a consideration for me I need to see absolute contrition and humility, anything less in my mind i will keep thr door closed. And this is only even an option for me if it no longer impacts my lifestyle or mental state of being and only when the marriage is finally buried and covered in soil never to be dug up again. I'm not sure if I'd be doing the right thing in doing this but I cannot deny the fact that there will be a life long bond with us despite how it ended. Coming to acceptance that your memories, experiences and feelings are never fully extinguished. Clearly I would never allow this to affect my dating life or relationships and not leave the door open to a reconnection. I purposely put myself in a new place and changed my entire life knowing that it would be the only way to move forward, with an ocean between us, my belongings all eliminated and all memories or triggers being tied to where I left. Sort of like how people can self exclude themselves from a casino.
