Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[grok]

Hey MamaG,

This has been on my mind. As I have much to learn and it is a difficult subject for me.

I've been giving this a lot of thought. S is so much like H. Can talk for hours about superficial things. Dives deep into work and feels such satisfaction from his accolades. It's so rare that feelings come through in discussions. Emotions are rare.

...I clarified that I wish that we talked more about his feelings/emotions through the years bc suppressing feelings isn't healthy. I told S I wish I knew more about how he feels about things. S was receptive when I said, "I wish he was born with a manual on how to raise a child." We laughed and S agreed that I did the best I could and started to talk me through what I great job I did. It was a beautiful moment but we haven't talked feelings since then. If I share my feelings, S is receptive to listening. Doesn't expand though. How do I get him to open up without making it look like that's what I'm doing?

I had a few quotes from elsewhere to help explain, but at least one of the accounts is now deleted. *sigh* Still. My perception of what you wrote and my own experience is that you may be missing his masculine emotional communication. He may not be able to express it in feminine language.

I'm certainly no expert, though on this subject I have learned more in the last two years than all the rest of my life. Men do not communicate emotions the same way as women. Talking about how you feel or talking with the indirect motive of communicating how you feel is a very feminine method of expression. We also have a very different experience when we do express them. Especially to women. Loss of respect and the ick is often what we expect and experience from women.

This illustrates some - The following quote was in response to a video floating around the internet, recorded by his wife, at his surprise request because he wanted to say something. In it a man is sitting holding an almost empty spool of wire. She asks him what he is doing sitting there...she thought he was working...what did he want? He explains/tells a story of how this spool of wire has been with him for almost 40 years. And how it relates to different activities over the years and how it being almost empty is like closing a part of his life. His wife responds in a dismissive casual tone "Oh, you had your Jets hat on. I thought that's why you were crying." The man pauses, his face falls, he quietly says "I'm done," and walks away.

It wasn't about the spool of wire. It his expression for his deep emotions about life and contemplations of mortality.

Man just shared a piece of his legacy, his soul; something that has been with him as long, or longer, than she has. An old, reliable friend he could count on & go back to again & again. That spool of wire wasn't just a way to keep track of the passage of time, but represents how much he's sacrificed of himself for the people he cares for & she utterly dismissed him.

Women ask us men to share our feelings with them, so they can understand us better, and when we do we get this [censored]. Then they wonder why we’re angry, closed off, secluded ourselves, build up walls, and so on. It’s partially because we didn’t share the way THEY wanted us to share, or they really don’t care, and asked out of some planned reason, which is immediately takes a sharp turn into something else that doesn’t even compute with why we’re opening ourselves up in the first damn place. Which is what they wanted us to do to begin with. Damned if you damned if you don’t.

i know this is just one video, but it truly is emblematic of what it’s like to be a man

the women in your life will tell you to “open up more” and “show your emotions” and the very first time you muster the strength to actually do so, they will respond with such utter contempt it forces you to reconsider every emotion you’ve ever felt

and do not read this as some incel, woman-hating, “men need to be alpha males” bs post. i’ve had plenty of amazing, loving relationships with women in my life. my mother raised me well. this is not a slight on women. this is more of societal critique than anything.

men have a natural instinct to display strength and emotional resolve. this is normal and good, i think. but yes, we are also emotional creatures. we just don’t show that outwardly very often — but when we DO, ladies…ladies, you must understand how important these moments are. one wrong move and you’ve shattered your man’s ability to go there with you, to go to those emotional depths.

we closely guard these depths. and in the rare instance we choose to let you see them, you need to act wisely. let this be a cautionary tale.

Crossing this communication barrier is difficult for most of us. I know it is for me.

g