Navigating this stuff is super hard. I think you’re doing well in that you’re not getting frazzled by her. There’s going to be lots more of her making this difficult because she’s not getting the easy, no blame divorce she wants. You can expect more of this.
I do want to pull you up on something though:
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This is your separation W. This is your divorce. This is your blowing up the family.
This is not helpful. Earlier in your thread I talked about how trying to get a woman to take responsibility and accountability for her decision was a cheeseless tunnel. When they’re in affair mode, they will rebut this heavily. It will make her angry and will really stoke antagonism.
You really need to take a step back and ask what it’s going to achieve. She’s being a disloyal POS at the moment, and deep down she knows it. So she is pouring heaps of energy into making sure others don’t know it’s her fault. Every time you jab her with “Well this is your decision” you’re lessening your chances of an eventual reconciliation or a peaceful divorce for your kids.
You need to let it go.
She’s not going to own choosing to have an affair for at least 3-5 years, if ever. Keep popping that pimple at your own peril.
You’re better off thinking about the following:
1. Show through actions, not words. Getting involved in lengthy tit-for-tat message exchanges makes you appear weak because you’re trying desperately to justify your stance. You just say “I’m going to do XYZ” and then you do it, no arguing, no getting drawn into discussion. A good phrase to remember is “I’ve said all I need to say.” If she sees you say you’re going to do something and then just do it, she’ll see your consistency and she’ll stop thinking she can control and manipulate you. She will believe ACTIONS NOT WORDS.
2. To avoid the confrontational “you chose this”, always just speak about yourself. For example, rather than saying “you chose this”, say “I’m staying in my bed at my house because I don’t want to leave this marriage.” “I’m not agreeing to that because I don’t want to.” “I’ve realised the nesting arrangement is not working for me and I will be sleeping in my own bed.” I - I - I statements, never YOU - YOU - YOU.
I’m a bit concerned that under all these exchanges is a deep-seated desire for you to get acknowledgement that this is her fault. You really need to get past that, because it ain’t going to happen.
Be a strong, decisive, consistent and unwavering man. Build a 10 foot brick wall around you and your kids which doesn’t include your wife, and every time something comes up - ask yourself if this problem is inside your brick wall or outside. Her problems or thoughts or feelings or wishes are no longer your problem.
Regarding the marriage counsellor/co-parenting counsellor, if you’re not prepared to negotiate on things, then it seems a waste of time. This is how it’s going down if you go:
Her: He agreed to nesting and now he’s refusing to leave the house You: You’re the one leaving the marriage, not me Her: You’re making bad decisions for your children, we need to put them first You: No, you made the ultimate bad decision for our whole family
You need to break the cycle. Change the narrative. Flip the script.
You say you’re worried she’s going to try and get the counsellor on her side. How about calling the counsellor before the appointment and telling them you want to meet separately initially? Don’t message your wife asking her to meet separately, or threatening “I’ll only go if we can meet with counsellor separately” because that’s weak and submissive. Ring the counsellor, tell them you want to meet separately and make it happen.
