”The AP being a surrogate parent or authority figure to rebel against and grow up from "
Can you elaborate on how this may take place? What may be said as a way to grow? What may transpire that H grows from? What could it look like in their interactions.
First off, remember the affair is merely a symptom of a deep emotional problem that already existed. A problem that was buried and hidden away many years ago.
The replay stage of a crisis is a time of emotional regression. The MLCer is transported back to “when” they were younger. The time of their trauma(s). The time when their authority figure(s) let them down. For most crisis folks, the authority figure is one or both parents.
Once a crisis starts the person is drawn in, is consumed. They become the opposite of who they once were. They regress and relive from their emotional stunting in an effort to grow up.
As they are different and depressed and confused - the major hallmarks of a crisis - they begin to subconsciously search for a partner that is just like them. An emotional “mirror” of them. Broken attracting broken.
Parents raise their children to be just like them. The child taking on, adopting, similar attitudes, thinking, ways of doing things, etc. And the problems handed down.
The affair partner is just like the MLCer’s parents. The crisis individual subconsciously, unwittingly, seeking and finding an emotional “mirror” of their parent. To outgrow a wrong dynamic, that same dynamic has to be recreated to grow up from.
With this, best case crisis scenario as plenty of MLCers get stuck, the MLCer will learn to make the emotional break they should have made with/from their parents as young adult which they never did. They never became full mature adults as they were meant to be. This is the purpose the affair partner serves.
Contrary to popular belief, sex is not the primary reason for an affair of this kind. Unless the crisis person has a sexual-based trauma, complication, or some such. The MLCer is using the AP for emotional needs. The AP is using the MLCer for money, security, upkeep, whatever. It’s the MLCer’s “inner child” who begins and maintains the affair.
The crisis dredges up this hurt “inner child”. The MLCer subconsciously seeks and finds someone like themselves (and parents). The MLCer is hurt and desperately seeking that unconditional love they never received as a child. The AP, the emotional “mirror” reflects back exactly that. Without judgement. Without reservation. The AP fitting the emotional needs of the MLCer, for a time.
Even if the affair partner is not quite a mirror, the MLCer will ignore those parts. So desperate they are. So misguided their feelings. They will confusingly mistake this crafted dynamic as “soulmate” or “true luv”. Neither of which is true.
The affair, the crisis, is about the most painful trauma of their childhood. The affair is all about control, emotional blackmail, manipulation, and misplaced responsibilities. All issues that were created back in their childhood.
As I said, the AP fits for a time. And nothing lasts forever. As the MLCer starts to grow and mature with their self, they start to outgrow this “need”, this surrogate parent. The illicit relationship has outlived its usefulness, The MLCer starts looking for a way to exit/end the affair. This usually get really messy.
The MLCer wants out, but doesn’t know how to. And wants as little drama as possible. The AP becomes desperate and will employ many dirty tactics.
The growing/waking up MLCer realizes just how far they’ve fallen. How they threw their morality in the gutter. All their teenage-like behaviours which no one could tell them anything of. For they felt they knew it all. They had the world by the tail. In time, they find how very wrong they were. And how much they threw away.
The MLC affair ends when the crisis person has no further “need” of it, and they grow strong enough to end it. Until then, they are deep in infatuation and there is not one thing anyone can do about it.
As LBS, we are left to walk our life. Live our life. Love our life.
Be kind to your once loving, now crisis spouse. Do nothing, say nothing you will regret later. The midlife crisis person may not remember the good you did, but they will recall all the bad things and how you treated them while they were within the depths of their emotional abyss.
Besides, what would it serve you. Seek to forgive instead.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
