Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

Happy New Year all.

Here's to new beginnings.  Some we wanted and some we didn't in 2025.

Christmas

Christmas through New Years was pretty good for us, D19, D17, S13, and me.   Not as big of a presents pile this year (Finances remain a juggling act in the short term until the remaining alimony payments are done) and we were late in shopping for each other.  Each child got something in the $100+ range as an anchor gift from "Santa" plus a small pile of wants and stocking stuffers.  S13 is now a front yard and street menace with his Arrma Granite Grom RC car.  I also decided to get something all three could share ... A countertop "soft ice" maker.  I got squeals of excitement.  

Grandparents

Kids told me Grandma and Grampa (XW's parents) were leaving Florida early.  By New Years day.  By all accounts something over a month early from previous planning.  They had been meeting us at church each week and taking the kids and I out to lunch each week.  All their own initiative.  

They have been over a number of times at the kids invitation to play games and so on.  The answer was always YES when the kids said the grandparents wanted to take them or meet them somewhere.  

Interestingly, the kids were sad briefly and expressed their feelings to me, but that was it.  Not broken-down crying for a few days like when we got back from visiting my family.  I am very careful not to bias the children toward either set of grandparents.  When the kids note differences, I simply say, that is how this set of grandparents expresses their love for you.  

XW

XW has not shown up at the house during daytimes (as allowed) during winter break. Sometimes not in the evenings for goodnights as has been her pattern.  She apparently (I'm guessing here) forgot D17's new gym schedule again on Monday.  I was teleworking that day and D17 asked if I could take her in to gym that morning... "right now so I'm not late".  I did and didn't ask why.  I received a call from D17 mid-day asking for a pickup also.  I did and didn't ask why.  

New Years

I’ve been late on a number of things as I work out how to single parent. Fireworks for New Years is another one them. Reminding myself to give myself grace …. Too late to get a discount store pack. *sigh* this will cost more…. Still, it has been important to them to light fireworks with me every year. The evening of the 31st I piled the kids in the truck to head out to a fireworks sales tent I remember a few miles away.

I let them pick out one “big” $15 thing each + a small pack with 25 or so misc. Like everything else these days prices have jumped up. $170. S13 picked a ground pack that launched 20 rockets in a row. D17 picked a pack of spin launch rockets. D19 picked a sword that spat flames and sparkles from the tip. They picked for me a “gatling gun” that spat 200 roman candle balls!

We started an hour before midnight and ended up lighting the last ones in the first minutes of 2025! And. I learned “calming music for dogs during fireworks” is an actual thing. Multiple YouTube videos. AND IT WORKED!!! Big and little dogs chilled in their crates while the music played.

-side story-

Really we started about an hour before that. After buying fireworks I headed to the nearby grocery store for a lighter from the grilling section.

S13, D17, D19, ”Daaaad, Daaaaaad, aren’t you going to get a cart? You know you never leave without a bunch of other stuff.”

G, ”OK, OK. I just don’t like making extra trips when I’m already here. S13 this bag of apples for you since that is a fruit you will eat. D17 pick a sliced meat like you wanted for sandwiches. Yes, D19 we can get some special snacks. You may get the potato chips and French dip. Yes you can all pick out a drink. Ha! D19 wanted to try Champagne. OK Lets do that too.

For those wondering, yes, I follow the approach that my kids may try things like drinks in my presence and control. They do not need to sneak. Their curiosity is satisfied. I control when, where, and how much.

By 12:30 all are in their beds. Zzzzzz. And sleep in.

2025

A lazy morning. All needed rest. House is a mess. Ugh. OK. I have to remember all over again. I’m it. No one else to share duties with. It can still be disorienting.
a wave of chemicals wash into my bloodstream
a melange of emotions roll through

Noon and we clear debris and put away Christmas stuff. Wails all around. NOPE, we are cleaning up today. Dad says. So they all settle into tasks.

Afternoon double plot twist.

S13 comes over to me and says ”Dad, can my friend M come over for the Minions movie marathon I wanted to do with him?”
G, in a snap decision, ”OK, S13, I’ll ask his dad.”

He can come over , and S13 has to double down on doing all the chores and cleanup first. He does well. They will watch the first three movies and do the other three another day.

D17 is unhappy. She wanted a peaceful day. And an outing with us four to the park or something. I explain that S13 often gets left behind in activities he wants. And we have been trying to arrange a day for the last month.

D17 gets lots more unhappy when XW messages them and asks to to out someplace with them for the afternoon/evening. Her day has been totally changed from what she wanted and she feels obligated to go with mom. Whew! Some emotions spewing!

Most chores done, D19 drives off with D17, M arrives to watch movies.

I … take the time to pack more of XWs misc stuff into boxes and put them in the garage with all the other things. Such a giant amount of *stuff* of hers … mostly handicraft or education related… most of which hasn’t been touched in many years. I feel more irritated than anything else. It is about two years after she first accepted romantic overtures from OM. If she hasn’t taken the time, I certainly don’t feel bad about dumping it all in boxes and moving it all out of the house.

I take M home with S13, and D17 and D19 arrive home ~9p. We get to bed a little early. Regular year begins tomorrow.

May God grant me (us) Mercy this year. I (we) need it.

g

Kyrie Eleison (It's Mercy We Need) - Elias Dummer feat. Citizens

Mercy
What I need is mercy
But what I want is mostly, mercy for me
Justice, yeah, we all we want justice
But is it really justice if it doesn’t cost us
Do I love mercy enough to bleed?
Will I do justly when it ain’t free?
I could walk humbly, weak on my feet
With Christ as my king, his mercy through me
Kyrie Eleison
Lord Have Mercy

Kyrie Eleison
(Lord Have Mercy)

Mercy mercy mercy for the sinner in me
Mercy mercy mercy for my friends and enemies
Mercy mercy mercy through my hands and through my feet
Lord have mercy cause it’s mercy we need