Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[MamaG]

DnJ, Valeska, Caligirl, Grok and others, I find it bittersweet that you've gained such deep insight into midlife crises. While I'm truly sorry that you've had to navigate this difficult path, your journey has become a source of wisdom and comfort for so many of us. Your responses, filled with compassion, understanding and 2x4s, offer me a lifeline of hope, reassurance and direction. The kindness in your words is deeply felt and cherished. Thank you for being such a blessing. Let's see what 2025 has in store for us.

Also, you cannot expect H to tell you stuff first, or not to tell the kids, or friends, or whomever.

Yes, it would be nice if H would speak to you first. Of course, if he would/did he wouldn’t be where he is.

While posted on RegretfulLA's thread, these words helped me realize that H doesn't share things with me like he did. H would communicate with me numerous times a day and in various methods - enmeshment level sharing. It was often about work and tasks...little emotion. I knew every step he took to the point of when he went to the bathroom. We were in constant communication (until we weren't). My kids knowing about the sailing trip in June set something off in me a few days ago....the awareness that H no longer shares with me (sometimes I feel slow to learn as clearly H not sharing is obvious). But, the reality hit me that H doesn't run for the phone to tell me all that transpires in his life. The good, the bad and the ugly things that transpire. I know this is MLC behavior and clearly I know we aren't talking much. Yet these words brought to light what I was feeling and didn't realize it at the time. Forget the fact that H may not have told me for a variety of reasons. I realize that while I clearly wish H wasn't going on this trip with OW, if it was a guy trip that he shared with me about, I'd be so happy for him. I'm shaking my head. Sometimes I wonder why I love H so much. Reality: I'm no longer the person H chooses. It hurt. I was in a near panic attack with the awareness and pain. More healing....

The best you can do - lead by example. Be the strong stable parent.

I've been giving this a lot of thought. S is so much like H. Can talk for hours about superficial things. Dives deep into work and feels such satisfaction from his accolades. It's so rare that feelings come through in discussions. Emotions are rare.

I brought this to his attention about a month ago. In short, I told him that I wish I had raised him a bit differently. Immediately, S took offense and asked what was wrong with him that he needs changing. (Criticism, even perceived criticism, is not well rec'd by dismissive avoidants.) I clarified that I wish that we talked more about his feelings/emotions through the years bc suppressing feelings isn't healthy. I told S I wish I knew more about how he feels about things. S was receptive when I said, "I wish he was born with a manual on how to raise a child." We laughed and S agreed that I did the best I could and started to talk me through what I great job I did. It was a beautiful moment but we haven't talked feelings since then. If I share my feelings, S is receptive to listening. Doesn't expand though. How do I get him to open up without making it look like that's what I'm doing? Or do I come clean (again) and talk through the possibility of generational behavior that he may pick up?

Continue to be honest and stick to the facts, when stuff comes up. Let the kids form their own feelings and opinions. You can discuss those, if/when they bring them up.

With S, nothing comes up. Strong barrier here that I'd like to soften so I can help. I also realize that I can only control me. Trying to strike a balance so as to not give up on S, all the while questioning if it's the 'fixer' in me that can't let go. Thoughts? I thought I could throw in some comments on this when gently letting him know about OW.

A crisis is subconsciously driven from unrealized and unreconciled past trauma(s). The MLCer “typically” unknowingly and unwittingly recreates the events. They need to grow up from when they were emotionally stunted.

Unfortunately this is a crisis. Emotionally driven well beyond logic and reason. The MLcer cannot simply be reached or talked down, they are well beyond that. They are consumed. The crisis must, and will, run its course.

They often recreate their torment. With various bits and pieces as remembered, or misremembered, from their often childhood lexicon and viewpoint. The AP being a surrogate parent or authority figure to rebel against and grow up from. And all that time travel. Living, reliving, their past. Over and over.

They recreate their past torments. While running from their ceaseless torments of the past. It’s a witch’s brew. Not well designed for healthy healing nor stability. Alas, that is a crisis, and illustrates the significant past trauma they struggle with.

Some, few, do grow up. Discovering and facing their pains. Others languish in their crafted hellscape. Running, returning, running; stuck in a loop.

Good reminder. Good grounding.

"The AP being a surrogate parent or authority figure to rebel against and grow up from. "
Can you elaborate on how this may take place? What may be said as a way to grow? What may transpire that H grows from? What could it look like in their interactions.

Today would be the day to get out and GAL .

Thank you for saying this. I immediately jumped off the couch and GAL'd. I got myself an hour massage, visited with mom/dad, talked with a GF, went for a cupping session and followed it up with acupuncture to address anxiety/stress/sleep issues. It was a great day! Your friendly reminder got me out of a rut.

My famous line for a very long time when my children mentioned things about H was “ oh that’s nice “.

I need to adopt this approach. Sometimes, I'm so curious though. Curiosity doesn't always end well.

Off to making a veggie platter for tonight's visit with GF. Several of us are ringing in the new year with Chinese food and some games.

Love and hugs to all!