Rumspringa

[RegretfulLA]

Isn't this the clingy, anxious, smothering action you are talking about above? Regardless of what he says to his sons... when he has done the work on himself... he will know that line was a lie to he was telling himself.

Why is having a conversation clingy? Maybe I'm just not seeing that, maybe it's a blind spot for me. But, I find it very hard, after 23 years of marriage, to walk away without having ANY conversation. I would like some communication here and I owe that to myself. I have zero expectations as to the outcome. I think a big part of me wants to force him to face me. He has been such a coward, telling the boys he is not coming back but not saying anything to me.

I personally think it's more of the same from you. You telling him you will wait until he "gets better". That is not a place of strength and honestly not very loving to you. Putting a part of yourself on hold for something that may never happen.

Maybe this didn't come across correctly. I don't intend to wait until he "gets better." Not at all. But as I'm writing this out, I can see that there is not really a way to hold space for someone and move on at the same time. I intend to move on. Not to wait. I guess I am having a hard time shutting the door. It's so obvious that he needs a lot of help, but it's up to me to get over that urge to fix.

Why not work towards acceptance and put it in God's hands? If you two are meant to heal, he would open the doors to that. Just a thought.

I had a session with my IC today and yes, I think we can ALL agree that H is not putting forth any effort whatsoever. After 4 months apart and a lot of breadcrumbing, I'm finally coming to that conclusion. Our marriage dynamic meets all the criteria for "leave" (vs. "stay"). I prefer to channel my efforts into my own healing and yes, leave it in God's hands.

To add to this, we had our family Hanukkah celebration last night. H was not invited. This was a 180 for me as I had clingily asked him if he'd like to attend Christmas Eve and when he snidely declined I had to actually leave the room and recombobulate myself. The boys asked him if he was coming to Hanukkah and he told them he had not been invited. H did not reach out to me or anyone else in the family to ask for an invitation, and so, he did not attend.

S18 asked me why he was not invited. I told S18 that I don't feel comfortable around H. Even though I went to his parents on Christmas Day, I still had to take half a Xanax just to reduce my anxiety. I went because I didn't want to be alone on Xmas without my children and I wanted to visit with H's family, who were very welcoming.

Today H came over to take the boys to play golf. In contrast to last month when he came over with sandwiches and then cheerfully plopped down, this time he rushed in when he picked them up, and did not come in when he brought them home. I think H was angry/hurt that he was not invited to Hanukkah. He left something here that I wanted him to take so after the boys came home I rushed outside to catch him before he drove away. I stepped off the curb and went a few feet into the street to get his attention. We do not live on a busy street, but he angrily motioned for me to get back on the curb so he could pull over. He was a real SOB today towards me. Classic "angry H". Of course I know why, but he doesn't communicate any of it in words. I'm over it!