Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

No Merry Christmas message was sent by either of us.

That’s a difficult step. Well done!

Letting go H. Not reaching out. Giving him to God.

You are detaching and healing! Keep doing so with kindness and compassion; with a soft squishy heart. Better, not bitter. (((Hugs)))

In the end, [D] seemed to have had a great time and only mentioned a couple things that really upset her. I couldn't explain one of them - perhaps you can help me. Basically, about 10 years ago, we bought our dog a collar with sea turtles on it. Admittedly, I don't think it's a great looking collar but here's what interesting. D said that H's dog is wearing the same exact collar. I don't even know how he could've come across it 10 years later. For this reason, she thought H had taken it from the house to put on his dog. Knowing that it's a duplicate, she felt better that it wasn't sticky fingers. Yet, she is now more perplexed about why he'd buy the same exact collar....with sea turtles.

Even stranger to me (and I didn't say this to D) is that his first tattoo while in MLC was one of a large sea turtle with a saying, "If not in this life, in the next". Could his subconscious have attracted him to the sea turtles 10 years ago....and they still have meaning to him? He also bought sea turtle puzzle to put together earlier this year. I'm so confused. Dogs and sea turtles just keep surfacing. Any explanation for what would move him to get a replica of our dog's collar?

I’m glad to see D worked through her fear and anxiety and made it to Christmas supper.

The exact same dog collar is interesting. As is, the sea turtle tattoo and puzzle.

A crisis is subconsciously driven from unrealized and unreconciled past trauma(s). The MLCer “typically” unknowingly and unwittingly recreates the events. They need to grow up from when they were emotionally stunted.

Unfortunately this is a crisis. Emotionally driven well beyond logic and reason. The MLcer cannot simply be reached or talked down, they are well beyond that. They are consumed. The crisis must, and will, run its course.

They often recreate their torment. With various bits and pieces as remembered, or misremembered, from their often childhood lexicon and viewpoint. The AP being a surrogate parent or authority figure to rebel against and grow up from. And all that time travel. Living, reliving, their past. Over and over.

They recreate their past torments. While running from their ceaseless torments of the past. It’s a witch’s brew. Not well designed for healthy healing nor stability. Alas, that is a crisis, and illustrates the significant past trauma they struggle with.

Some, few, do grow up. Discovering and facing their pains. Others languish in their crafted hellscape. Running, returning, running; stuck in a loop.

Is the dog collar significant? Likely so. How? I don’t know. Every crisis is individual. Like every person is individual. H sought out a rescue dog a couple of months ago, and an exact replica collar. A crisis has all kinds of weird stuff and behaviours. Chalk this up to recreating/reliving while also running. It’s H’s attempts at trying to sort his stuff out. (Gosh, it’s so good we aren’t along for that ride.)



It’s sounds like your festive season was full of yummy foods and goodies! Just wonderful! A full as I am, I still would love to taste the 16 bean and ham soup.

With gratitude, I declined New Year’s invite.

I agree with you. It’s H’s family. As much as you are, have been, friends for decades, it’s his family.

I got along great with my extended family. However, divorce has many causalities. It was best I stepped away. It’s her family.

D called in the midst of my 36 hours. Regretfully, I shared that H has been talking with another woman. It was over the phone as we just were talking. Her words said she was fine, but her actions said she needed to go. I told her it wasn’t her fault and that H and I love her very much. This shouldn’t come between her and her parents. This is between H and I.

In that conversation, I also learned that she’s known about the sailing trip that he’s going on since June. Apparently it’s a 15 day trip with a large group. Certainly this has contributed to further emotions, as I’m pretty sure OW is going.

It is difficult. Dad tells one kid something, maybe the other something else. No one knows what to share or who to tell or what to do.

Some advice (which worked for me):

Continue to be honest and stick to the facts, when stuff comes up. Let the kids form their own feelings and opinions. You can discuss those, if/when they bring them up.

Tell the kids it’s ok not to share stuff with you. It’s ok to know stuff about Dad and not tell you. Tell them, you are ok with it. However, if they are having troubles or problems or need/want to discuss anything with you, they can! No matter what! Whatever the topic. Dad stuff included.

I’m trying. I’m really trying to do the right thing. It just hurts and I know you all know so I can share in this space.

Good.

Doing the right thing often has times of doing the wrong thing. Funny thing, even the wrong thing usually ends up part of the right thing when you: Own your mistakes. Talk about them. Grow from them.

It’s part of being their living example. Part of leading. The future is uncharted, of course you’re going to make the odd incorrect, less than perfect, turn. It’s that wonderful tapestry of life.

D asked me to tell S. And now I try to figure this out.

I suspect S knows more than he’s told you.

Might want to ask D why she feels son needs to know. Why she feels it has to come from you. Perhaps daughter and son need some form of “it’s ok to talk to each other” from you. It’s odd uncharted territory for them too.

All my best!

D