Rumspringa

[mamabird]

Just a little bit more to add...

H took the boys on a short camping trip. They got back today and I asked S21, "Was Dad nice?" S21's response was "Yes and he's not moving back in."

Ok... not what I asked...

So I asked S21 for more details - a little more context - S21 immediately shut down. Then I asked S18 to explain that comment. I was really just trying to see if H meant not moving back in after 6 month separation or ever. Well, I guess H talked to them a bit about this and said that he didn't want to live with someone who didn't make him happy. I don't want to put the boys between us but when they offer up that kind of information unsolicited it makes that very hard. H should not have said that to the boys without saying that to me first.

One of the other things that H said to the boys was that he was disappointed that I didn't say to him "Let's work on our relationship" or "I want to make this work". Was he expecting ME to do that? I mean, what?? After he cheated on me, rejected me for months and then walked out on me? And then signed up for dating services the second he was gone? The first rule of DB is DO NOT SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT. So I was pretty surprised (and confused) to hear that. I thought he wanted space and was trying to give it to him. And honestly, hearing that from me wouldn't have changed anything. He would have just known he had me on a string.

I understand how difficult it is to surrender to the truth. Especially when there is confusion on their end. They reject you and then get surprised when you tell them "Okay... I accept your rejection so I'm going to move on". And then all h3ll breaks loose.

I'm not sure all h3ll has broken loose yet - but - reading this again, this makes sense. He was sad that I accepted his rejection instead of fighting for him. I'm having trouble squaring this in my mind though. I think I'm in a no win situation with him: Fighting for him is clingy, anxious, smothering; accepting his rejection makes him feel rejected and he shuts down further. The only way to manage this is to do neither and live in this frustrating limbo. I think this is why I have invited him in and not detached.

I do still intend to have a conversation with him in January about where we stand and what is next.
It was my intention to say to him what I said above - that I would hold space for him if and when he is ready to work on our relationship. I do think it's worth one last try, but God, we are so damaged. It feels like trying to rebuild a house that's been hit by a bomb.