Rumspringa

[RegretfulLA]

Happy Holidays all. I hope that you all are having peaceful and relaxing days during this festive season.

Time for me to check in here. @Valeska - thank you for the 2x4's. That was about a month ago now. Prior to Thanksgiving he had not spent any time at the house so I was seeing the time and conversations as some sort of positive movement. I think it was very weakly positive but not indicative of anything other than he misses the comfort of home. After the boys went back to college I did not see him and I kind of came to my senses. I was allowing him to be here because I wanted to be with him. It was only in hindsight that I could see that he hadn't really changed at all.

Detachment has been tricky because of the kids. Also, H DOES NOT KNOW that I am aware of his affair. My grander plan has been to keep things on amicable terms so that if and when we do D, I have a better chance of prevailing. I would go no contact but that's very challenging in our specific situation. I have been doing "smart contact" as much as possible.

Anyway. I have continued to re-evaluate the situation and my own feelings. We have had a lot of family events lately - our son's 21st birthday, a baby naming, a visit from out of town relatives on H's side and of course Christmas and Hanukkah (we celebrate both). H was included in my family's events and I was included in his family's events. H declined one invitation but I can't say I blame him as that particular event can be a bit painful.

It's been a slow journey of acceptance for me but I am starting to understand more fully that H is not capable of the type of change that would be warranted. I have been doing a lot of research into attachment styles - he is the classic dismissive avoidant which includes withdrawing, shutting down, withholding and not being able to be vulnerable. I'm not even truly sure he's in MLC. Understanding these behaviors has been really helpful for me and while there's help available, it's incumbent on him to want to do the work to heal his attachment style.

I watched a great video that talked about the number of people who start out at the beginning of the year all fired up to get fit and lose weight. Most of those people don't follow through and they WANT to change. So imagine how hard it is for someone who is resistant to changing to even take that first step. Not impossible, but not probable either.

I have a lot of empathy for my H and his choices. Back in 2022, he lost his job and we didn't get a big chunk of money that we were counting on. Big ego blow there. Cue affair partner - nothing like an AP to soothe the ego. Then, in Summer 2023 his grandmother died and his mother got sick, and his aunt (who was like a surrogate mom) showed her true colors in a very negative way. This set of events went right to his core mother wound. But since he's dismissive avoidant, he couldn't share any of these feelings with me and had to find a lower stakes partner (hello AP). Needless to say it was all extremely triggering and if he is in MLC, this is what really launched it.

None of this excuses his horrible behavior, his dismissiveness, his withdrawal, his treating me like I don't exist, his lying or his cheating. These were all coping strategies to resolve the cognitive dissonance in his head. I don't forgive his behavior, but at least I understand it a little better, which helps me to have empathy for him.

I had really been clinging to the idea of the 6 month trial separation. At first, I just took it at face value. This is a 6 month separation, so of course, I thought he would be back in 6 months and then we'd start working on everything. I don't see him realistically coming back here in 2 more months, nor would I want him to, and I realize that it's probably best if we go our separate ways. I just can't justify it any more. It's clear that he has treated me horribly in every way and has made only a very small effort to correct it.

Therefore - I'm working hard to be in the mindset of "I will hold space for you, but I will not put my life on hold for you." And secondly - "He is not good enough for me." And so - any big conversation will be to communicate THAT. Basically, "I'm done waiting." Trying to get comfortable with the shift in our relationship and to get comfortable with focusing on ME for a change. Accepting that I am deserving of actual love. I don't even know what that's like. I have been with him for 25 years and haven't lived life as a single person since 1998. It's a big shift, going from mom and wife to single person, and I need to work on figuring out what makes ME happy.