Been a couple of months now, thought I would check in. W wanted to wait until after the holidays to leave her job. I told her she didn’t need my permission however kicking the can down the road wasn’t going to change how I feel about it. I honestly don’t think she will quit and I am trying to prepare myself mentally. I have been struggling these last couple of months. I don’t trust her, which bothers me. I am back to fighting the anger that’s resurfaced. The lack of accountability drives me nuts. For some reason I’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts about W and OM having sex. I can quickly stop the thoughts but they keep coming back. I probably need to find a counselor, the one I was seeing is basically retired. She wasn’t super helpful either. I should probably check out the recommended reading on here again as well. This last incident has me feeling like I’m the backup plan or the conciliation prize. It bothers me a lot. I think she was trying to get back with om and he wouldn’t because he has a gf now. Sometimes I think I would be better off if she hadn’t come back home. I’m doing ok in terms of gal and being detached. Probably doesn’t sound like it. I do my own thing and we spend a lot of time together. I don’t worry about what she is up to when we’re apart. I really don’t care. It really feels like she’s biding her time to do something else and I’m just along for the ride. Maybe I am wrong. Hopefully. It really stinks that I’ll be 53 in a week and a half, I’m the most financially secure I’ve ever been, life should be easy mode right now, yet things are still a mess. At least in my head. It’s been a little over 2 1/2 years since bd. I thought by now things would be in a much better state than they currently are. Do I sound whiny? Maybe I’m making things worse than they really are. I just don’t know.
