Today H came over to watch college football with the boys. He showed up at 9 am with bagels (as I predicted - he likes bagels). Made himself right at home. They watched football, they watched soccer - and he stayed here for 5 hours. 5 hours!! Took a little nap on the couch. Asked if he could have some leftover pie (I obliged). The boys could have easily gone to his apartment but of course he wanted to be here at home.
Help me understand WHY you would allow this. Who cares if H is more comfortable at home? He made his choice when he chose someone else. PLUS it makes you uncomfortable with all the bro talk. Let them do it somewhere else.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
I sat there on the couch with him until he was ready to leave. No pressure, no R talk, but I'm glad he's feeling comfortable to at least spend time here.
Again WHY are you happy about this? You're comfortable with the fact he is comfortable being part of your live but not being an active participant?
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
Our trial separation was intended to be 6 months - he signed a 6 month lease - so that would be ending in February unless he chooses to extend. We are halfway through now. We will have to have a conversation at some point in the next 3 months. I was planning to ask him to meet with our marriage counselor and then bring up his affair - basically just saying, "I'm aware that you have been having an affair for several years and I know who your AP is."
Again Why?? You put too much in his court.
From the bleacher seats - he has made little or no attempt to come back to you. His still in his affair. So you have your answers. Allowing him to have ANY part of your home whilst in the midst of affair is cake-eating and not loving to you or him.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
What do people think of that approach? I have greatly benefitted from the time and space he has given me and I don't feel the need to rip his head off. Or, should I continue to hold onto that information? Obviously he's not moving back here (if he so chooses) if he wants to continue with AP, so if moving home is his intention, we have to discuss it and set boundaries. Things were so bad for the last year. He treated me horribly and I'm not willing to go through that again.
I think you need to ask YOURSELF the hard questions about why you keep putting up with this behavior. You say you're not willing to go through that again so what boundaries are you will to put on yourself to uphold that? Because as much as the problem is your H... you also allow it in your life.
He's not really treating you any differently so why have a conversation at all other than to say you are done waiting (if you truly are).
I understand how difficult it is to surrender to the truth. Especially when there is confusion on their end. They reject you and then get surprised when you tell them "Okay... I accept your rejection so I'm going to move on". And then all h3ll breaks loose.
But that is where your freedom will lie. Keep working at it. Keep detaching. Continue to ask yourself how you can push the detachment further.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
