I could try writing . Just to organize. I’m in school for my doctorate and I dread writing . No idea how I even survived last semester and did very well . I’m very much enjoying the few week break . I refuse to give up on higher education for myself and continue to grow . It’s also nice having more financial stability if things go way south again . I never have to worry about supporting my children again . There’s so much that when you first post in the initial shock you don’t talk about . When are children were younger I stayed home to raise them . It was hard but I would never change it . It also plays a huge role in why the children are very attached . It was just me and them . All day everyday . H also was not very supportive. Almost to the point of abusive when it came to money and he felt entailment to doing what he wanted when he wanted. Not always but many times over the years I was the reason to blame for everything when it came to finances. He has apologized numerous times for mistakes when the children were younger but I saw some of that come to light again when A was dropped . Hence his parents talking about how I spend money . In my opinion it’s none of their business . Also in A partners letter it was mentioned several times .
Some of the things that run through my head and hurt are not even the physical aspects of the A. Last year for my birthday I saw this picture I really liked for the bedroom . Was a little more than I wanted to pay . I causally talked to H about it . Nothing crazy just ehhh it would look nice bla bla bla . On my birthday which I will say is usually a disaster . H consistently has ruined it for years . I walked downstairs and the picture was there . I was kinda taken back and second guessed myself . Was I going nuts thinking he’s cheating ? Maybe I was overthinking and he just really wanted to go out more with the guys . Maybe he’s been stressed . I felt so damn guilty looking at that picture . He listened to me . Maybe I’m the problem . Insert nausea the picture he bought was all in the A partners letter to me !!! In the letter it said about how I wanted it . When he bought it . Why he bought to shut me up for a few weeks and act like he cares so he can keep plotting to move out . The picture was thrown out months later in front of him when the letter came . The blank spot now on the wall he looks at often . His fault not mine . I’ll buy a picture one day while I’m out and about .
I won’t even begin to touch on the things in that letter that addressed what a bad parent I am . Because those are just unforgivable at the moment . When I read those to my father he legit spit out his coffee .
I know part of A are breaking down the other spouse to alleviate guilt but these were some serious doozies.
I try not to compare with other situations but another member posted an email he received from his wife who is asking for a divorce . Now granted she may be in a full blown A so I do know not to look so hard at it but it really spoke to me . I was and have not had an A and if I would have wrote an email to my H 6 months ago I could have cut copied and pasted that email almost identical. It made me really think about why am I still here . But my response was simple it’s a lot of work this will take considerable effort . When I look at H he is giving considerable effort so I’ll hang tight for now .
On a lighter note . I have so much vacation time I have to use up that I have a few days off and I’ll roll the rest for next year . I got loads of Christmas gifts already wrapped . H loves it . He has been active in helping which is a nice change . He really is enjoying Christmas time . Super excited to see some of my family that’s flying in and of course having all the kids together . Anxiously awaiting to kissing my nieces and nephews and of course my parents who I adore .
