Hi Mama, I just want to acknowledge the hard work you have been doing with detachment. It's hard work and it is a process. It feels like there are daily decisions to be made to drop the rope. Some times we do, some times we don't. The important this is that we keep trying. It gets easier with time.
That being said - I'm still struggling to see why you engage with him so much. I know it doesn't feel like it to you because you don't initiate contact, but when he does - IMHO you linger too long in the conversation.
Why are you making small talk w/ a man who makes no attempt at caring for you? The stuff he offers to do is not motivated to help you, the are guilty relieve tactics or even possible an attempt for you to not gain your independence. If he offers anything... politely say no thank you.
Why do you tolerate him not taking care of business stuff? Stop that. That's not how it would be if he wasn't your H.
Why do you allow him to cancel and re-schedule coming over? This is disrespectful and honestly gives him control of your life. Don't just say you are busy - be busy.
Also FYI - the reason he can reschedule all the time is because NOTHING is that important for him to get. All of this stuff could be fixed. He could put a change of address at the post office. He could get get a new passport.
This is not being a jerk. This is what happens when someone decides to END a relationship.
Who cares if he is uncomfortable or sad or busy or whatever. It's not that there isn't compassion... but he CHOSE this. He CONTINUES to choose this. Do whatever you can to allow him to hit bottom.
Originally Posted by MamaG
What is your take on yesterday's interaction and visit?
Why would H ignore the mailbox for a week but send follow-up texts to come by at another day/time? After all, he's soooo busy. Do you think he was looking for an invite to come inside by avoiding the mailbox offers?
Is charming monster manipulating me into getting what he needed from the house while taking care of business item? But, if that's the case, why would he voluntarily offer to come Saturday and fix something?
Does H need more items? I'm not prepared to relive the summer months texts about coming to get things while I was in a 'no contact' period. If so, my voiced boundary sounds something like this:
I'm glad you came to take care of X task. When you come by and also take some things from the home, it is disrespectful. When you come to take care of business matters and also plan to get some of your belongings, we'll plan for a quick visit to pick everything up on another day. I'd like to get this all wrapped up in one go, so please lmk when we can get this resolved. (Glad we can fit one more boundary on this thread.)
What about compliments thrown my way? nails...house...bottle holder... More of the charming monster? Attempts to reconnect?
He really acknowledged the dogs, even holding Dog2 in his arms and talking in a baby voice to both of them, like he used to do. It wasn't time travel crisis behavior. This is how H used to walk in after work and greet them.
Also, is he trying to keep my guy friend from fixing 'his' house by offering to come over the weekend? Territorial, perhaps? H's love language was often offered through acts of service. Could he be reverting back? (I'm not celebrating nor do I think he's approaching the end of MLC. Just seeking to understand changes since May when I last saw him and he didn't have much interest in fixing things.)
I also learned that H called D last week. She said it was to ask a question that H couldn't gotten answered with a quick online search. Oddly, it was a call and not a text. (As an aside, she was upset to learn that H had called S before calling her but S didn't answer. D continues to suffer.)
Recognizing that my behaviors don't change, could he be in the beginning stages of attempting to reconnect? Yes, I know that I still wait for his reach outs with no push behaviors and no R talks.
I personally think this is the thing you need to get a 2x4 for...lol. You are still looking at breadcrumbs as some kind of connection.
They say around here is that if/when your partner recommits - you will have NO DOUBT. This the not the case. H3LL he could be reaching out for all kinds of reasons... that have NOTHING to do with you.
Sure he may miss you - but is that more about what you used to provide for him versus what a great gal he had.
You just never know motive until he makes it clear. Until he does - assume they are selfishly motivated. Sure you can be polite and friendly... but as DNJ says - there's a difference w/ friends. Friends don't treat you that way... and sure as sh!t neither should a spouse!
Keep your life private. Keep your conversations short. and treat him like a stranger at the grocery store who may or may not be trying to steal your wallet.
I know it's scary to let go. Do it anyway. Again - it's the most loving thing you can do for him, but more importantly... yourself.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
