Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

I continue to reflect, ponder, heal, build confidence and GALing through December.

Fear is similar to our non-detachment reactions. Months and months of high alert, and adrenaline. Which is not healthy. Our fears lasting well after the “tiger” has actually gone away. But why?

Fear is about possibilities. Not probability. Probability is not a requisite. It doesn’t matter how small a chance, we can fear it.

H cannot hurt you. He simply isn’t that powerful. Once you realize that, truly realize that, you become fearless.

You will find a way. As soon as it were to happen you’d handle it. You’d figure something out. And you’d immediately not have any fear (regarding that particular thing).

I still read these (and other) quotes on my thread and sit on them. So much truth. So little realization until now. Thank you! I've realized and believe these things and sometimes scratch my head as to why I've been so fearful...and didn't even realize it was fear that was holding me down. It's been liberating and the world feels less heavy. To feel like I can make logical decisions for myself and not concern myself with consequences. I just love it.

Yup, I'm feeing my new normal. Someday I may even embrace it....and may even enjoy it to its fullest. If I'm being honest, EMBRACING the new normal will come someday. Likely not this year. I'm ok with this for now.

I do understand the new normal. The accepting. And how it feels a bit surreal.

If I may be so bold. I love your post, your new normal. Full of rationalizations, reflection, understanding, compassion, and wisdom.

"New normal" is something I learned in my own cancer journey (18 years ago!). Things change - but it's ok. It's not what we expected, but it's ok - different, that's all. My boss always says "All change is good change" - well, I can't really agree with her there - but I think she means that with changes come opportunities.

And as a result of not being concerned with consequences and an appreciation for what fear is about, I'm embracing my new normal quicker than expected. Afterall, it isn't 2025 yet, is it?! I'm feeling my confidence return. I believe and know (proven) that I don't need H. Turning my back on H wasn't easy but has been rewarding. And, he's seeing it. Feeling it.

I've heard 'new normal' several times over the last month but initial credits go to RegretfulLA. You were the first to share that term on my thread and I embraced it.

You are doing so very well! Rather inspiring.

Thank you!! I'm a completely different person that the person who joined this site earlier this year. It's been a ride, a rewarding and challenging ride.

As an update, there was another business item that I needed H to complete (his signature) and so I texted last Wed (a week ago as today is Tuesday) to ask if H wanted me to complete the form as I did last year. Several hours later he responded. We'll refer to Wed as Day1 and count forward.

Day 1:
H: Yes I can come by on Saturday after work to sign.
H: Sorry for the late response. It was not a very good day at work.
M: Sorry you had a bad day. I am here if you ever need to talk. I will leave the paperwork in the mailbox on Sat afternoon. TY

Day 6:
M: Can you stop by after work to sign that form today?
H: Yes I might be able to sorry working a lot.
M: I will leave it in the mailbox so that you can swing through quickly. Thanks.
H: (at end of day) Not going to make it tonight. Long tough day. I'll stop over tomorrow morning before work.

(Up until now, I wondered if he was looking for an invite to come inside but seeing as he's offered to come in the morning, ruled that out in the moment. Still, didn't change my tune.)

M@ 11pm: Thanks for offering to come tomorrow morning. I'm sorry to hear you had a long, tough day - hopefully tomorrow's a bit easier for you. I'll leave the papers in the mailbox, so you can sign them. I appreciate it.


Day 7 (today):
H@ 8:30: I'll be over after work.
H@ 9:30: Today is gonna be a better day. (H seems to want to engage. hmmm)
M@ 10: Good for you.
H@ 10:15: Tired so tired.
M@ 11:30: 'tis the season! [censored] nonetheless. At least the weather is cooperating for you today.
H@ 1: Yippee and sends a gif of something he shattered.
M@ 1:30: Oh boy!! Does that maean you're not able to continue until you get a new one?
H@ 2:30: They had to bring one out for me.
H@ 6:15: Are you home
M: Leaving shortly. Maybe 45
H: Be there in 5
M: I left it in mailbox to make it easier for you though. Do you wanna come in?
H: I was going to
M: That's fine. Just grab it from the mailbox.
H: OK

H spends a week not coming to sign...the whole time, I wondered if H simply forgot or what was going on. Didn't fret and carried on with GALing. Today, H really engages and I entertained as curiosity got the better of me. Why is H is entertaining today and has been avoiding the mailbox all week? I convince myself that there's no harm in responding to his texts. I have no expectations and have provided ample oppty to avoid me. Still, H clearly wants to venture inside the house. With uncertainty of whether to allow for an indoor visit, I allowed it as I have nothing to hide. Better yet, the house looks great and is well kept without his assistance.

H certainly looked around. Noticed lots of change and made some comments. H's eyes confirmed that our family photos were still on the wall. And quickly looked at my ring finger. (Yes, I happen to notice that he was still wearing his band too. UGH)

I like your nails.
The house looks nice. It's nicely decorated.
I like this wine bottle holder. (waited for me to tell him where I got it or from whom. I didn't offer info.) You've been drinking wine? I told him, 'no, but my company has good taste in wine.' We proceeded to talk about wine a bit.

Hmm...compliments are nice but I certainly know better and immediately wonder what's up.

H: is there anything on the kids lists that you didn't get for Christmas?
M: I got it all.
H: ok (face fell)

H: do you have any mail addressed to me?
M: Yes, about 6 months worth.
H: do you know if my license came?
M: Oh, is that why you're here?
H: No.
M: I don't look at what comes in for you. If it's addressed to you, I place it in the pile downstairs. (Oh his face of complete shock. He provided no words.)

H: Also, do you have my passport?
M: Oh, is that why you're here?
H: No.
M: Yes I have it, why? Going somewhere?
H: Yes going with man T on a sailing trip next month and need it.
M: OH. (man T is someone H didn't really enjoy and happens to be single and close with OW. I made no further comment.)

H clearly saw that I didn't look forward to his visit and that I was skeptical about his visit. Not sure if I should've been so openly inquisitive, but he certainly knows that I'm not expecting much from him.

There is a large amount of cash on the table and I offered info.
M: Getting a new water heater.
H: why?
I provide an explanation and H corrects me. H insists that it's the well creating the problems....we know I've been down this path already but I just stare back at him with no words.

H: That's fine but I'm telling you that you have lots of life left on the water heater. I'll come Saturday to change the water filter. I guarantee you that it's that. He walks into the space with the well to check things out.
H: Mind if I look at the water heater?
M: No and quickly walk ahead of him. I nearly ran him over and quickly moved the suitcases out of the weigh, ripping off the flight tag. While I have nothing to hide, I will remain mysterious. Believe me, he noticed.
H: What's this?
M: My friend changed the gauge bc it wasn't reading PSIs correctly.
H: Oh his face fell again and the curiosity is peaking and how things are just simply moving along without him.
M: Talked him though a bunch of the water issues I've experienced through the months and had my friend fix. I often said, "He fixed...." Let him be curious. I'll be mysterious.
H: When your friend came to fix it, did he check the water filter?
M: Yes.
H: I'll come by Saturday and change the filter.

I'm really entertaining him now and looking for more reasons to mention that 'He' looked at this and fixed it and fixed that and this too. Hopefully, I didn't take it too far but I was perfectly comfortable letting him think that I've moved on and have guy friends at the house. (For the record, it was my guy friend, aka BIL. lol)

Mom is now in the driveway as she and I had plans to pick up the water heater. I didn't tell him those were my plans when I said that I only had 45 minutes. I made it a point to ask my mom to leave before he saw who she was and she pulled away. He didn't get a chance to see who was picking me up but it certainly confirmed that I was looking spectacular and sexy (if I must say so myself) for someone.

H: Ok, I'll come by on Saturday. 10?
M: I'm sure I'm up before you so that works.
H: I was up before you today. 5 am for me.
M: I pondered and confirmed that it was about 5 for me too. And, then corrected myself and said, 'actually, it was later today because I was out late last night.' (card night and we won!)
H: Oh. See you Saturday.

One task is to replace the water heater. I've been getting quotes and hope to make a decision soon. Ordered several new faucets to replace as I learned that sediment from the water heater has been my issue all along. Not the well. It's the water heater. Clearing the screens isn't cutting it so new faucets it is! After getting the new water heater, I'll flush the pipes out of sediment and then replace the faucets.

We'll see if this will be the case or not. Saturday may or may not happen but I certainly know that I'm not holding my breath.

I'm still not sure if H manipulated me into getting what he really needed from me? If H is following through on wanting to talk more? A bit of both? Did he cycle to me and will run just as quickly?

Dogs sure liked it though.

Dogs love liver and heart here too. Funny that you gave it a try only to remember the yuck it tastes like.

Wishing you continued peace and strength through the holidays.

Right back atcha!! Embrace the new normal and enjoy the next couple of holidays. May 2025 bring peace, health and strength for al of us!