A return new comer

[grok]

Last 2 weeks or so I have had these overwhelming feelings of not wanting to be M anymore . Not for lack of effort of H. More these deep thoughts of I deserve better than these last few years .
...
I know his tune has changed significantly. The more I’m here the longer these feelings of just utter betrayal get worse .

It FEELS LIKE you have finally surfaced from being underwater, holding your breath, just surviving, not alowing yourself to feel and think for a while in order to survive...and now are looking around at the devastation with clear(er) eyes and feet on solid(er) ground.

I don’t even like him most days and the thoughts of the things in that letter I received from his A partner are not letting up last few weeks.

I don't know how to fix it, but I do know the occurances diminish eventually.

All those things.

      She said

      I read when snooping

little bits of shrapnel

ricocheting through my heart and soul

ripping and tearing through me ... every time I remember

I know how it feels


I slowly find my peace now

though I still would rather have found it WITH her. Even with the understanding gained here of how hard a road that is.

For ME, and from what i read, perhaps it is somewhat a male form of love, the CHOICE/COMITMENT I made, the i do, was to accept HER, crazy/nuts and all, until the day I died.

Could I have made it until the R was back? Could I give up the peace I gain to re-enter chaos? Honestly I don't know. So I don't judge.

I do think, from reading here and thinking about what it would have taken for me, when you are ready, professional help is needed...to make it over that hump if you so choose.

g