Rumspringa

[RegretfulLA]

H came by today to visit with S18 (as predicted). He stayed for 2.5 hours, on his way to dinner with his friend who is divorcing. The 2 of them have been commiserating for at least a year.

Today's visit was hard. Prior to Thanksgiving, we hadn't spent much time together since he moved out, so each visit over Thanksgiving was a little better and got a little easier. Now he's been in the home a lot more and is feeling comfortable.

During our M I frequently felt left out because I was the only female here. The boys would talk sports and bro out a lot. My H has been a good father and has spent a lot of time doing guy stuff with them but he sacrificed being a good H. The boys always came first. Anyway, I sensed that bro energy coming up again and now, having been away from it, I realize how much it upsets me and how I don't want to be around it. It wasn't too bad tonight but at least now I'm aware. If we ever get to counseling this is something to be brought up. It made me resentful and probably not much fun to be around.

Next week we are going to a nice dinner for S21's big birthday. Half of me is looking forward to it and half of me is dreading it... I am so on edge around H. At Thanksgiving I had to have a few glasses of wine just to act normally and I will probably have to do same at this dinner. He makes me very nervous now. Not because I am afraid of him, it's just that things are so tenuous. I don't know what he is thinking and I don't know where I stand.

I tried to employ a tried and true DB strategy - what are small changes that would indicate a change of heart? I did this pretty successfully 12 years ago when I first DB'd. He already is spending more time around here. He did boomerang back to get his mail a few times at first but now he stays for longer stretches. His visits would need to continue after the boys go back in January.

Next he would need to ask me what is going on in my life. Or he would reach out via text for some reason other than the kids. I hurt my back 2 weeks ago and wouldn't even have told him, but it was on the day S18 was going back to college and H wanted to come over and say goodbye. He did reach out the next day to see how I was, but it didn't turn into a conversation or anything like that.

He seems more relaxed and less uptight around me, but it feels very much like we are "talking about the weather." I don't know how to read that. When he moved out he just looked pained all the time, so this is at least an improvement over that. Our biggest issue was that we could not communicate. He is a master at withholding (and lying I guess), and I did not try to draw him out because it wasn't a winning strategy with him - he just dug in deeper and clammed up more. I don't know if it's possible to get the trust back - even just the trust to have an open conversation.

I have the house decorated for Xmas - 3 stockings hung and not 4. I wonder if he noticed? I also mentioned that S18 was going to help me get the Christmas tree this weekend. This was something that he always did and even though he never lifted a finger to help decorate it, I know he enjoyed having the tree. I wonder if he felt a little pang of sadness. He didn't exactly spring into action and offer to get the tree.

The truth is he feels like an ex now, which is why I am nervous around him. All the strength that I have built up over the last 4 months seems to evaporate when I see him. I never felt self conscious around him but now I feel like he's comparing me to AP and whoever else. I feel like he is moving on without me - whether that is or isn't true. I'm sure he could see the sadness on my face when he walked out the door tonight. He gives my son a hug and says I love you and I have to sit there on the couch and watch this and feel humiliated. That's the hard part. I feel absolutely gutted when he leaves. :-(