Rumspringa

[DnJ]

Good Morning R

At the moment, leave the ball in H’s court. He moved out. He signed the 6 month lease. He’s got a few months to come forward and start a discussion.

As you said, their minds are mush, and H will very likely not do anything for a while, leaving coming back or re-leasing to the last minute. Both of which could very well get derailed if he doesn’t display/take on his responsibilities.

This was an agreed to, 6 month trial separation. It is therefore implied, and not unreasonable, that answers/direction are due at the end of it. It would be perfectly fine to find out what the heck is going on. If nothing transpired before, I’d bring it up at the end of month five.

So, two months. What to do?

Crank up the heat. Let him feel the loss. Let him experience this trial.

You have boundaries. State them. And stick to them.

You know what kind of treatment you do not want, again.

If H violates your boundaries or treats you like before, enact consequences. Pull back. Let him stew.


I do see hope here. However, timelines.

By the end of month six, what are you hoping to see? What displayed behaviours? What said words?

My view of what to shoot for (with some prognosticating ): H likely will not bring up any serious talk. Therefore, at the end of month five, you bring it up. If discussions go reasonable, and H wants to return, he is still going to re-new another 6 month lease.

6 months to prove he is over AP. That is absolutely no contact! Period! H must be 6 continuous months of no contact with AP. If he reaches out, for any reason, the timer resets. And he starts another six months. (By the way, for me I’d utilize 12 months. A full year!)

To me, returning, the desire to return, needs to be that strong. The willingness, the displayed willingness and behaviour needs to be that strong. H has to prove he has changed.

It’s a big demand. Well, actually not, for one who has truly changed.

Anyhow, the 6 months is also a time of dating. Further proving he wants to be with you, and displaying his new and improved self. It’s also a time of displaying your new and improved proved self.

You’ve made sincere positive changes. Gained much hard-earned wisdom. Stuff you are not willing to hide or toss aside. H might not appreciate your growth.

I consider if my XW and I were ever to date again. It’s been seven years, lots has happened in my life. I’ve gained so much. And I will not sell myself short. I would likewise suspect, her years have altered her as well. We might not be compatible. Hence, you dating H before moving back in.

That’s the approach or road map I’d consider. H is going to re-new his lease, regardless. You will likely have to bring up the discussion. Counselling and such will occur during the following half year (and likely beyond).

H still needs time and space. Give it to him. Let him choke on it. You don’t want him running again.

Have a great Sunday.

D