Rumspringa

[RegretfulLA]

Thanksgiving went well. We gathered at my brother's house and it was very casual. H was slightly reserved but I think he felt grateful to be included. He did sit next to me at dinner though we're not really interacting much.

At the end of the night, we were all hugging and saying goodbye and it felt appropriate to give him a hug - I got a nice big squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. To me that signals affection and intention, but I'm not going to get hung up there. It's a far cry from "I'm miserable living here" which is basically the last thing he said before moving out, but their brains are mush and nothing they say or do is really reliable. I'm seeing it as a weak positive sign and nothing more.

Today H came over to watch college football with the boys. He showed up at 9 am with bagels (as I predicted - he likes bagels). Made himself right at home. They watched football, they watched soccer - and he stayed here for 5 hours. 5 hours!! Took a little nap on the couch. Asked if he could have some leftover pie (I obliged). The boys could have easily gone to his apartment but of course he wanted to be here at home.

I sat there on the couch with him until he was ready to leave. No pressure, no R talk, but I'm glad he's feeling comfortable to at least spend time here. Funny, it kind of reminds me of a few years ago when my 2 dogs started fighting and I had to keep them separated for a time. Gradually they came back together but it took a long time before they were able to sit next to each other peacefully.

Boys are going back to school tomorrow so I probably won't see much of him until they are home for the holidays in 2 weeks. No hug or anything when he left today. Ok then.

Last night I wrote down my boundaries. On the surface they seem very simple but to a dismissive avoidant in MLC they would probably seem insurmountable. Transparency and an actual effort to interact and be interested at the top of the list. My sister said "Well it would be great if he could turn into a completely different person" and we had a good laugh.

I am still going forward with putting the pieces in place for a D. Find lawyer, understand all of my rights and what I stand to lose and gain. Face the possibility head on so it no longer is that big scary thing. Get comfortable with the idea. Continuing to live my life as if he is not coming back.

Demanding answers will have H running in the opposite direction. Give him opportunity to bring stuff forward. And until he does, minimal interaction. He can feel the loss. He can lay in the bed he made.

A boundary on lying would be excellent. When H tries to lie, you leave the room. Right then and there, shut down the conversation. H, when you are not truthful, I will not speak with you.

Place the ball in his court. H can decide his course, and will be held accountable. No hounding him. No demanding of him. Just you controlling you. And letting H dig the hole deeper, or choosing to do better.

If/when H is better healed and grown up, yes this stuff needs to get out on the table. Be patient.

I know that this will take a lot of time. I'm 54 and tick tock... not getting any younger here. Him expressing an intention to TRY would be a big step in the right direction. Just honestly TRY. Doesn't mean we stay together - it just means the door is open a little longer.

Our trial separation was intended to be 6 months - he signed a 6 month lease - so that would be ending in February unless he chooses to extend. We are halfway through now. We will have to have a conversation at some point in the next 3 months. I was planning to ask him to meet with our marriage counselor and then bring up his affair - basically just saying, "I'm aware that you have been having an affair for several years and I know who your AP is."

What do people think of that approach? I have greatly benefitted from the time and space he has given me and I don't feel the need to rip his head off. Or, should I continue to hold onto that information? Obviously he's not moving back here (if he so chooses) if he wants to continue with AP, so if moving home is his intention, we have to discuss it and set boundaries. Things were so bad for the last year. He treated me horribly and I'm not willing to go through that again.