Rumspringa

[DnJ]

Good Morning R

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope today’s festivities go well.

I agree with you, it appears likely that AP is no longer in the picture. Also, these special times - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays, etc - do bring these folks out of the woodwork. Often, after the celebrations are over, they fade back. However, some do remain more awaken and present. Time will tell for H.

He will not change until the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of doing the work.

Very true. It is a rare person who embraces the hard work before the pain of not, becomes their driving force.

Unfortunately the modern world has plenty of shiny distraction. Purposeful distractions designed to pull one’s focus away. These “shiny” distraction provide instant dopamine. And yes, can be/are quite addictive.

he doesn't really ask how I am and he kind of defaults to looking at his phone during these conversations.

Most are confused and depressed. Couple that with feelings of starting to return home. The fear of reprisals, judgements, etc. Quite a brew of emotions. These folks’ emotions are cranked to eleven, and they presently have no bandwidth for anyone or anything else. (And that shiny non judging phone full of validation and fun things is so alluring.)

The lack of empathy, caring, and such is pretty common for one so consumed. The return of, the display of those buried traits, illustrates some awakening/healing.

I successfully DB'd 12 years ago. Circumstances were different but this feels like he's starting to come back around.

I would like to save my marriage but I need to set some serious boundaries which include honesty and openness.

It does appear that H is poking around, testing the waters. Be pressure-free. And have rock-solid boundaries on disrespectful behaviour.

If nothing else I'd like to have some closure and I'd like to have the opportunity to really get a lot of this out on the table.

In time.

Demanding answers will have H running in the opposite direction. Give him opportunity to bring stuff forward. And until he does, minimal interaction. He can feel the loss. He can lay in the bed he made.

A boundary on lying would be excellent. When H tries to lie, you leave the room. Right then and there, shut down the conversation. H, when you are not truthful, I will not speak with you.

Place the ball in his court. H can decide his course, and will be held accountable. No hounding him. No demanding of him. Just you controlling you. And letting H dig the hole deeper, or choosing to do better.

If/when H is better healed and grown up, yes this stuff needs to get out on the table. Be patient.

And I totally agree, this not at all fair. The LBS unsurprisingly gets the lion’s share. After all, our spouse is certainly not capable in the present moment.

Have a great day. A fresh baked pie sounds awesome!

D