Rumspringa

[RegretfulLA]

Hello all,
I think my H's Rumspringa has entered Act II.

He has been spending more time around the house. He dropped by a week and a half ago to pick up a few things (one of which was his surfboard which I vandalized after finding out he was still with AP - boy did I have to dance around that). We sat and talked for about 20 min. I was nervous the entire time, mostly because that surfboard was in our shed and I was praying he wouldn't find it (he didn't and I got rid of it the next day). It was a very light discussion, nothing about R or anything like that. Just... chit chat.

A week later he comes by again because he's brought S18 home for Thanksgiving break. This time he sits in the living room for 45 minutes. I knew he was coming over so I bought some red roses and made a bouquet and put it in the living room. Let him sweat a little. He didn't ask about it. Again, conversation was light. After he left I told S18 "I think Dad misses me." S18 said "Yeah, he said that he did."

This evening he came over again because now he's picked up S20 from the airport. For the first time since August, all 4 of us were here together in this house. H made himself comfortable on the couch, first putting his leg over the side which he used to do and then fully stretching out. This time he stayed for an hour and a half. The four of us talked for a while - at one point the boys went upstairs and it was just him and me - again, kept it light - asked him about work etc. I am sure he's feeling a little left out but I guess that is his problem.

One thing - he doesn't really ask how I am and he kind of defaults to looking at his phone during these conversations. This is all a non-starter for me but of course I can't really ask him to put his phone down at this point because we want to keep him soft and pliable and not put him on the defensive.

He is coming over tomorrow to take the boys to play golf and then on Thursday he will be joining us for Thanksgiving (at the boys' invitation, not mine).

A few things to note:

- I've gotten way more clear on my intentions. Yes, I would like to save my marriage but I need to set some serious boundaries which include honesty and openness. My marriage can no longer be about "putting up" with H. He will have to put in some serious, and I mean SERIOUS work, and I am not sure he's up to it. I am assuming he's not. My feeling is that he will not get serious about this until D is going and he really understands what he has to lose (half of his equity in his company, for starters). He will not change until the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of doing the work.

- I've doing a lot of thinking, reading and listening to podcasts about divorce. It is helping me get comfortable with it should I choose to go there. I still think I will need to go there.

- Next week, after Thanksgiving, I'm going to call a few L's. I made a list of names already. I need to continue to move forward on this path.

- I still haven't confronted H about his affair and don't intend to until I have a legal strategy in place and am ready to pull the trigger on filing D.

- I started taking antidepressants and they are helping me. I'm functioning pretty much normally. My anger has subsided considerably. I feel like I am in much more control of this situation. I'm sleeping better too.

- I've been spending a lot of time on attachment theory - dismissive avoidant specifically. It turns out that MLC men are quite similar and a lot of them are avoidant. My H certainly has all the traits of a dismissive avoidant, including shutting down, secrecy, desire for independence, feeling controlled, defensiveness and not being vulnerable or open. This attachment style is basically a disaster in relationships. All of this research has helped me not take any of this personally and learning all of this was a big turning point for me.

- Dismissive avoidants also seek dopamine hits constantly. Basically any addiction is a source of dopamine. My H was not an addict but he definitely had reward seeking behavior - Twitter, ice cream and then eventually AP. They also lack the emotional capacity for bonding. I can see that in him too.

- I have a feeling that AP may not be in the picture any more. Not sure, but the Google calendar entries have ceased and H has dropped the cocky attitude that he had a few months ago. Not surprising if that relationship ran its course - though I have no proof. Someone as insecure as my H would never last in a polyamorous situation. This could also be the reason he's sniffing back around here. If AP is gone, he's testing the waters back at home. I asked H what he was doing the day after Thanksgiving and he shrugged and said "Nothing." Who knows. Just a hunch.

- On his way out tonight he peeked into the kitchen to see what I was doing - to see if there were any Thanksgiving pies in progress. I am an accomplished baker. I guarantee you that AP is not.

- I have been sticking to my DB principles. Can't go no contact because there are logistics to work out, but have not been contacting for any other reason. I always make it seem like I have a million things going on, so busy, so much GAL, work is awesome and life is awesome. Put on makeup and got out of my sweatpants. I successfully DB'd 12 years ago. Circumstances were different but this feels like he's starting to come back around.

- If nothing else I'd like to have some closure and I'd like to have the opportunity to really get a lot of this out on the table. He has been completely withdrawn from me for a full year (first BD was the day before Thanksgiving last year when I found a book about BDSM and a book about polyamory on his kindle, which he was unknowingly sharing with me. Of course he denied having an affair). This isn't at all fair and I haven't had the chance to participate in any of his one sided decisions.