Fear is an emotion. And like all emotions, it is rises from the non-rational realm.
Fear is an evolved defence strategy reaction. It amps up our adrenaline in preparation for fight or flight. Problem is, modern day. Not many sabre-tooth tigers lurking in the trees waiting to pounce. That crippling fear is modern day problems with prehistoric lizard brain reactions.
Fear is triggered by our imaged future. Not by what is before us. Fear is rooted in imagined unwanted future possibilities.
Once some imagined future comes to pass, it becomes a problem. And very few things we worry, fret, and fear over actually become problems. Anyhow, once something becomes an actual problem it is no longer in the imagined realm. This shifts “it” from non-rational emotional realm to our intellectual realm where we deal with said problem sans emotions, sans fear.
Fear is similar to our non-detachment reactions. Months and months of high alert, and adrenaline. Which is not healthy. Our fears lasting well after the “tiger” has actually gone away. But why?
Reinforcement of that fear emotions. Tying our feeling to something which triggers our fear.
Letting go of fear is similar to finding detachment. Rationalizing and understanding one’s self and reactions really helps cleave the feedback loop and uncouple the trigger.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I fear that H won't respond to me regarding upcoming business items in the new year. There are tax returns (filing jointly provides many benefits, as selfish as that is). There is D's graduation and the car we planned to buy as a gift to her (which basically will be at my expense but the trade-in is in both our names so I'll need his signature). There is a family wedding (his side) that I want to attend but question if I am emotionally prepared for. And more...
Fear is always regarding self. Regarding oneself getting hurt, feeling some manner of pain. Always.
We often say we fear for our children. Yet, no. The fear is truly tied to our feelings, to the hurt we would experience. Certainly we are looking out for our children’s well-being, and with our experience and wisdom can perhaps foresee things they do not or choose not to. Our worry and fear over what might happen to them, is actually worrying about what might happen to us.
Remember, I’m talking about fear. That pervasive force. Those insidious tentacles that bind us, paralyze us. The overwhelming feeling that strips away reason.
The imagined outcomes are usually quite reasonable and rational. Take your example, joint filing of tax; purchase of a car; etc. All rational foreseeable imagined possibilities.
Fear is about possibilities. Not probability. Probability is not a requisite. It doesn’t matter how small a chance, we can fear it. For example, I fear spiders. Just the sight of them. Why? I fear getting bit. That imagined pain. The neurotoxin paralyzing me as digestive enzymes slowing dissolve me alive. It doesn’t matter that I am much much bigger than the wee spider. It doesn’t matter that the spider is ten feet away. I can imagine it jumping or flying or some other irrational action and get to me. Fear is our irrational response to stimulus. Fear reinforces and feedbacks and triggers itself. Rationalize and cleave those avenues of feedback.
Fear is normal. A perfectly normal response. The emotional understanding in this, let it go. Yes, we get triggered by some unexpected surprise stimulus. Have a fear response. Then let it go. Do not let fear rule you. Do not let fear decide for you.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I know that I can't control his reactions. His emotions. His coping tactics. And, as such, I will handle the new year business items as they come.
Absolutely!
H may monster. He might not.
H may hold back his signature. Not file joint taxes. Or not.
Ask yourself this. Imagine this.
So what if he does?
You will find a way. As soon as it were to happen you’d handle it. You’d figure something out. And you’d immediately not have any fear (regarding that particular thing). Even now, imagining, I suspect you feel less fearful. More in the rational “ok, H did that. Now how will I handle the fallout.”
H cannot hurt you. He simply isn’t that powerful. Once you realize that, truly realize that, you become fearless.
Fearless is not reckless. Danger still exists. Harm still exists. (I don’t go around goading spiders to bite me. lol) You just aren’t stuck in that place of worry and uncertainty. You can better exercise the agency you have.
Originally Posted by MamaG
D and I were in a convo where she was venting that she doesn't want to see Dad and is unsure of what she'll do for his birthday. D initiated convo. She also shared that she's mad at S because he was pressuring her into seeing Dad - perhaps breakfast. I admitted in this convo that I am not sending any message/gift. Immediately, D was upset and monstered at me. Wish I hadn't told her. D isn't a friend. D is my daughter who needs me to be a stable parent. The only stable parent for now.
Daughter and son need, and will, find their way. (Don’t fret or fear. And if/when you do, consider why and who it’s truly deeply for. )
Be the strong stable parent. Tell daughter directly, “It’s perfectly ok not to see Dad. Even on his birthday.” You can even promote a discussion of why she doesn’t want to. And some of the benefits and repercussions of her decisions. Gentle steering. Having her back.
Same for son. It’s ok to see Dad. It’s ok for daughter not to.
Your admitting to daughter that you are not sending a gift or message was good. I agree with that. Do not wish you didn’t. Do not live in the shadows around those you care for and love the most. Leading by example, isn’t from the shadows. Stand in the light. Shine.
Daughter got upset. Good. She has plenty of emotions she needs to let out. And you, being the strong stable parent, are going to get it. She cannot blast Dad. She can’t risk losing him. Not yet. In time, she will grow and work through her feelings and fears. In time, she will lash out at Dad. Until then, you will receive it. Realize, it’s a good thing. It feels horrible. Yet, it is a good thing and helps daughter to process.
Believe me, I’ve been there. Four kids. All at different places along their journeys, and myself a mess back then, getting blasted for stuff I didn’t do, stuff I did. Compassion and understanding really gets a work out.
You only mentioned you’re not messaging Dad or getting him a gift. You didn’t tell daughter not to. Her getting mad and upset, likely has nothing to with Dad’s birthday. It’s about coming to terms with Mom and Dad’s relationship and the mess things are in. It’s about the possibility of divorce. Of having divorced parents. Of how daughter will hurt because of that. It’s because she is grieving.
Be Mom. Be fearless. Live in the light. Lead by example. Lead with compassion and understanding.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
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