Welcome to the boards. I am sorry the rug has been pulled out from under you. Bomb drop is a most apt name; for it’s such a shock to the LBS.
However, your W has likely been planning things for a while. It is important for you to pull back. Way back! No pressure! Begging, pleading, pressure, all just pushes a leaving spouse out the door quicker.
W has to feel the loss before she might decided to alter her course.
How long have you two been married? First marriage for both? Age of kids? It helps in tailoring suggestions to you and your situation better.
I see you are reading DR. Excellent! Do keep it, this site, DB strategies and techniques, and your DBing efforts/reasons, to yourself. All that resource is for you, not the opposing team. And W is presently no longer on team Josh. That may change, or it may not. Time will tell.
Divorce busting is very counterintuitive in the beginning. It will likely feel wrong. It will likely go against your default ideas. Makes sense, as you’ve likely never been in such a situation as you find yourself in.
The Last Resort Technique is much like a 180, just for when the situation is more extreme. Our spouse has made it clear, in no uncertain terms that they want a divorce; there is an affair; you and your spouse are physically separated; you are living separated with very little contact; they’ve filed for divorce; etc.
Removed all pressure. Focus on you and the kids. Go dim. Be kind and cordial. Be vague. Be roommate-like.
Find detachment. It is the single best thing you can do for yourself.
Originally Posted by JoshSco
New here so maybe not try and use acronyms. By DB, I meant dropped bomb but maybe it's BD for bomb drop? Anyway, u prob get the gist.
Here is a link to many of the abbreviations used around here:
We went to counseling but she decided that we should prepare for a trial separation after the holidays so that's where we are.
MC usually does not yield much success at this point. Your W is wanting out, and has been planning it for a while. The level and realism of her plan may be lacking (or not), yet that matters not. W is operating more on feelings than logic and reason. Appealing to her with logic and reason will backfire. You have to let her burn through her feelings and find her way. To feel the loss, as I mentioned before.
The idea, at some future point, W realizes: “Hey, Josh hasn’t been bugging me for quite some time and I’m still upset. Hmmm, perhaps he isn’t the cause.” With some good fortune, she will look inward.
During this time, you get your self together. Become Josh2.0. The best version of yourself. A man only a fool would leave.
Own your part of the marital strife. Fix your part! And that is through growing and evolving yourself.
You only control three things in life. Your thoughts, your actions, and your reactions. You cannot control, fix, or alter W - or anyone else. Only yourself!
However, you can and do influence by your actions or inactions.
An in-house separation is tough stuff. A few logistics if/when your situation comes to it:
Remain in the master bedroom. Let W leave. She can sleep in the spare room. You remain in MBR.
Let her own the separation. As you stated, “she decided that we should prepare for a trial separation after the holidays”. You don’t want it. So don’t actively help toward that end. You don’t stand in her way, nor place boulders upon her path; yet you do not pave it in gold either. Her decision - let her do the heavy-lifting.
Be patient. Realize, doing nothing is doing something.
Focus on you. GAL. Live and love your life!
Remember, LRT is a 180 and letting go to allow her to calm and find feelings that are more helpful to your goals. Loss, shame, guilt, remorse, regret, and such. Right now she is angry, upset, excited for a new and better future, and so on. You cannot control that. You got to let her burn her way through it.
Unfortunately, lots of damage occurs during BD, the fallout/aftermath, and whatever path is taken. The level of destruction and further collateral damages can be significant. Focusing on yourself helps keep your emotional and mental health in a better place. It’s not that you are ignoring or will ignore things, just finding detachment for your DB efforts.
There is no guarantee that DB will save your marriage. However, I can guarantee that you will get out what you put in! DB will save you! Saving your marriage is actually a bonus.
Originally Posted by JoshSco
In the meantime, I've continue to help more around the house and with the kids which I've been doing since BD but am otherwise onto The Last Resort over the past week and doing a decent job so far.
Good.
Do make changes - for you! Not in some attempt to win W back. She will see right through such manipulation and shallowness.
Your changes need to be for your reasons! That way those positive changes have a much better probability of becoming permanent.
W will not, for a good long while not belief your sincerity of changes. Don’t fret, keep to your path and keep moving forward. It will take time. Much more time than you want it to. Dig for patience.
You do have the gift of time. Use it wisely.
Originally Posted by JoshSco
However, our relationship is actually better now than it was before BD including having more sex in the past 6 weeks than we've had in the past several years. We're both treating it as solely physical, no cuddling after, very little, if any, kissing. Just raw sex, which she said she's ok with but I think we both find a bit confusing as we continue on the path to separation. Should I not be doing this?
I’d recommend no sex. W has stated she wants out. Let her feel what that is.
Also, the elephant in the room. Affairs.
Oh my, it is staggering how common affairs are. In fact, I cannot recall a situation in which there was no affair.
Physical affairs (PA) or emotional affairs (EA) are so commonplace. Realize an affair is a symptom of a deep personal problem with the cheating person - not you!!
Affairs are a band-aid. An illicit relationship built upon lies and deceit. Built upon an unstable foundation akin to sand. It takes tremendous energies to maintain such a relationship and it cannot be built very high or well.
Affairs are almost always destine to fail. Both people are using the other. Often unknowingly and unwittingly in some misguided, emotionally driven, unhealthy effort to overcome/heal some internal hurt/flaw. The affair partner is actually chosen to grow up from, to use, and to leave. Like I said, chosen unknowingly and unwittingly.
Some rare affairs do grow and the couple remains. The vast majority of cases, the cheating spouse continues onto AP2, AP3, …APx. Until they face and fix whatever internal flaw it is their are trying to fix.
Remember what/who you can control. Stay clear of an affair. Getting angry, demanding she stops, just pushes them together more. It makes it them against the world.
You don’t need to condone such either. Strict boundaries against disrespect and knowing/living/standing for one’s self worth is very attractive.
At any rate, affair (or not) is at the moment unconfirmed.
I bring this up as rationale to stop allowing the cake eating. W wants out. Let her. No sex.
And, if she is straying you don’t need a STD.
It’s a big 180. And W is likely to express a lot of emotions. As well as, lash out, blame, gaslight, project. Remember, you are doing this for you. Not a manipulation. It’s for your health - mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
Originally Posted by JoshSco
I uploaded the rules of detachment to NotebookLM (Googles new AI tool which is really cool if you haven't played around with it) and asked it how to respond to specific texts from W and it's advice is really impressive. For example, she texted me, "I don't know if it's the steroids [she's fighting an allergy], but I'm really emotional today, I mean more than usual."
It gave me a bunch of bullet points based on the rules of detachment, and then recommended either not responding or if I must then, "I hope your day gets better.". That response really irked her.
Validating is a difficult skill to learn and apply, especially in a situation of serious martial discourse. I’d not follow an AI algorithm. Highly unlikely it’s programming will “think” in a divorce busting manner or with those goals. AI is after general and mass market responses.
Read the validating thread. Read about detachment. Find and learn your way. Grow, evolve.
LRT, 180, you need to put a halt to, and alter the, relationship dynamics that got you here.
Validate her feelings. That is not condoning her actions, just seeing her feelings as real. For they are, to her. Again, if she is acting upon her feelings, which she likely is, poor decisions are usually made. Not your job to prevent that, or fix that.
Decisions/actions based upon emotions lead to regret.
That includes for you. Part of validating and responding is deciding what to respond to. Give yourself 24-48 hours before responding. This allows your feelings to settle, and for you to craft and deliver a response from a place of logic and reason rather than react emotionally.
The above text from W, I’d have likely remain silent. She stated no question, so there was nothing to answer. No need for you to respond. It also allows to see if she is going to prompt further.
If you listen, W will likely blurt out all kinds of stuff.
Was her text just out of the blue? Did you see her anytime before the text? Did you know her emotional state somewhat? Crying, upset, mad?
It’s tricky. You can validate, wish her a better day, and she will lash out. Sometimes that’s why she is texting you. To find a reason to get/be mad. You did well, remained calm and went about your day.
Keep moving forward.
I look forward to conversing with you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
