In short, I learned a bit about my reluctance to NOT send texts. I've taken time and all your feedback under advisement to conclude that my reason is fear. I fear that H won't respond to me regarding upcoming business items in the new year. There are tax returns (filing jointly provides many benefits, as selfish as that is). There is D's graduation and the car we planned to buy as a gift to her (which basically will be at my expense but the trade-in is in both our names so I'll need his signature). There is a family wedding (his side) that I want to attend but question if I am emotionally prepared for. And more...
Fear. I was such a confident person. Sure of my decisions. Sure of my actions. Sure of my path. Today, I have so much fear. Shaking my head as fear has surfaced on my thread several times.
Today, I fear the potential/likely monster I'll receive in response to his perceived lacking kindness from me this year. Who knows how he'll receive that I don't send the HBD text? Who knows how he'll respond to me responding to holiday texts?
I know that I can't control his reactions. His emotions. His coping tactics. And, as such, I will handle the new year business items as they come. Monster or no monster, cushioning his fall today doesn't feel right.
D and I were in a convo where she was venting that she doesn't want to see D and is unsure of what she'll do for his BD. D initiated convo. She also shared that she's mad at S bc he was pressuring her into seeing H - perhaps breakfast. I admitted in this convo that I am not sending any message/gift. Immediately, D was upset and monstered at me. Wish I hadn't told her. D isn't a friend. D is my daughter who needs me to be a stable parent. The only stable parent for now.
