I do not really know what else even needs to be talked about with H . I have a good idea of where his head was at and what went on . I also openly call BS if he even tries to shift blame in the slightest no wiggle room . In last few weeks there definitely is a noticeable change when he speaks . That confusion clearing up and taking responsibility. He has a more protective tone I would say . More he thinks about how I would feel before himself . I don’t think I have seen that in well over a decade . I did express some concern to him that I do not feel he knows how to manage a normal relationship that doesn’t have super highs and very low lows . He seeks these relationships whether friends or AP because he thrives off of the chaos . It is very noticeable to him that I don’t get on that rollercoaster over the last 4-5 years and just stay my pace . H is well aware I’m not jumping back on the rollercoaster ever again . The one topic that he has been talking about with his counselor and a lot more now with me is the guilt . The feeling he would have leaving and running to AP after spending days at home happy . How he would walk around with knots in his stomach . The relief he feels not living like that and just feeling whole again , peace. Wasn’t a truth dart but I do remind him that there was another person (me) who was on the receiving end of the fall out when he would run off and that I got very strong with just doing for me and the children . It’s not easy to trust. Sometimes when I speak to him it is just hard . I can see even if my words are in a kind tone the words just hurt . The reality of what he did and pain he caused . I can see and hear him just breathe and usually he looks like he is about to ball crying . Makes it hard for someone who has always had this soft side (me) to communicate . He doesn’t tell me not to talk quite the opposite it still goes against my grain.
On a lighter note I agreed to go away for a long weekend with H . He planned it . Is really just excited to spend some away time with me . I agreed to go and just have some fun snow tubing and hanging in a cabin he booked .
