Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

Thread three.

Titled in line with an earlier consensus of the regulars …

And a title style taken from the Rebuild of Evangelion

(I’ve watched the original series, series revised ending, first movie set, and the rebuild. There is so much human and metaphysical symbolism packed in there …. )

First thread:

Grief and Gratitude, Grok

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2949552&page=all

Second Thread:

Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2950131&page=all


Awaken - by Breaking Benjamin

So far away, I'm dead awoken
And I'm faded, out of breath
Life falls to grey, hope of the hopeless
And I pray without a prayer

Cut my cover down
In the hollow between, you find the venom in me
Rip my world apart
In the sorrow beneath, you find the devil in me
…
Life falls to grey, hope of the hopeless
And now only dust remain
Tear my head apart
A broken life has left me born to burn
…
Stay forever in the light
I awaken, I survive
And I still hear the call of life
I'm taken by the tide

Arise!
…
Stay forever in the light
I awaken, I survive
And I still hear the call of life
I'm taken by the tide!

g

[DnJ]

Hello g

To me, love and marriage is so much more than a feeling.

I see XW now and do a double take. At first it looks like my W, then does not... It's as if the W I had is seen through a smoky and distorted funhouse mirror.

Her face fades...I still recall...the dream of a girl I used to know...as she slipped/walked away

I hear you man.


Also, Boston is awesome!!

(Another excellent artist and album: Chicago and their album Chicago 17)

D

[Caligirl]

Grok

Aftershocks… great way of putting it . On either end of this I find we are all in the same space . They are so random too . Just hit you out of nowhere. Music is a bit of a trigger for me . Not mine but H music . For months he was listening to random bands last year . Now if they come on awkward because I’m over in my head thinking who he likes that song about . Throws me for a bit . Any specific thing that triggers your after shocks ?

[grok]

A Birthday!

S12's birthday today! He is now officially S13. I have three teens in the house

We did presents opening this morning. (Good God! that battery powered nerf gun shoots hard! ... that's why eye pro is included in the box...) D17 was primary decorator. D17 and I shopped over the last week. D19 took him to Universal theme park yesterday, just the two of them, for the whole day. I paid his half.

D17 has a friend who makes cakes so I ordered one from her. It looks great! We'll do the cake tonight when XW is over bringing D17 home.

Aftershock triggers ...

Caligirl, it's been kind of eclectic. I wonder sometimes if it isn't a combo of a trigger and an internal build up that must be released. Things that point to the void between what is and what should have been. Some recent experiences ... and writing them down now brings some tremors.


- OM related...

Not so much anymore, but just like you mentioned, things that made you wonder. See her madly messaging in her car. Hear a small airplane fly overhead ("oh, OM flies overhead to show he's thinking of me").


- In church yesterday.

D17 and I entered and saw Grandpa sitting in a pew waiting for us. We sat beside him of course.

In the sermon... Upon returning to origin, without spouse. Bitterness.

Ruth 1:20-21

“But she said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, and the LORD has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the LORD has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?”

BANG trigger. I couldn't breath. Aftershock.

I do/did feel that way. I GET how she felt. Every issue XW raised could have been straightforwardly worked through. Are they distortions due to OM? or am I such a failure that the LORD has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?

But Naomi was not yet seeing the bigger ends and the blessings…I.e. Ruth was with her. And that was not the end of the story ....


- Music does it for me also.

I am an 80's kid...(Thanks DnJ for the Chicago 17 reminder ) Here's one from the other day, a new release from an 80's band. Such a cheerful pop synth sound woven with a touch of Melancholia (def. a condition characterized by markedly depressed mood, bodily complaints, and sometimes hallucinations and delusions). Playing of the themes earlier discussed of death and divorce. There is a lot of overlap. Substituting in the XW for "Mum and Dad" in the lyrics and see what you think.

It got me on first listen. I like the song. I can't listen without tremors. Yet. Catch 22.

Say Goodbye To Mum And Dad - by Tears for Fears

Say goodbye to Mum and Dad
Say hello to all the ghosts of Leningrad
Everything is up for grabs
Go tell all your friends society's gone mad

God is wise and Jesus loves us all

It's no life, this island of fear
When tomorrow comes
We'll brave the wild frontier
Get out this place
Inside, outside, nowhere to hide
When tomorrow comes
We'll face the great divide

Say goodbye to Mum and Dad (Say goodbye to what we had)
It's a dusty road of faded photographs
Wipe that welcome from the mat (Walk the dog and feed the cat)
Things are broken and they're never coming back

God is wise and Jesus loves us all

It's no life, this island of fear
When tomorrow comes
We'll brave the wild frontier
Get out this place
Inside, outside, nowhere to hide
When tomorrow comes
We'll face the great divide

g

[Caligirl]

Grok

Love the music you listen to . Many of my favorites too ! Love the 80s . Half my Spotify is all 80s . My kids randomly sing old songs too . Quite cute when people see them singing along too .

Distortion omg yes !!! Watching H slowly clearing that confusion up is utterly insane some days . They lived and continue to live a distorted life until it clears for some . I’ll give you an example . I asked H when I first found out why he cheated . H in one of his many spews said I felt like our marriage was over . I said why ? He said he felt like we co -existed and gave me a long list of everything I don’t do for him . I didn’t respond to much of it . Wasn’t wasting my breath. I waited now and re-asked the question . H - something was wrong with me I felt alone and chasing something that wasn’t real and realize now I should have just put the energy into my marriage. You are exactly the same person you have been . You just don’t ignore me as much anymore . Truth dart thrown - you are home and not cheating so I won’t ignore you . H agreed and said I don’t know how you even deal with me . I can say this was not a thing that changed in the last 6 months . This was 4-5 years of chaos to start seeing a shift that has stuck for the first time in a very long time . It is nothing you did or didn’t do . It is excuses they use to fuel their fires . H openly has said you made it easy to run when you would get upset at something . It got extremely hard to run when you started not even saying a word and got up to do your own thing like you didn’t even care . Stay your course Grok you are doing really well . I keep up with your posts and read some of the old threads .

When I went to bed last night . It was the first day that I noticed that nothing has triggered me since bomb drop . Even the few months before bomb drop when he wasn’t cheating . I still had triggers and anxiety . Day by day they get better .

[grok]

Emotional state musings and '80s music

I find my emotional state also has a long duration rise and fall, not just short term triggers as previous posts with Caligirl. This last week has been on the downside. I think ... pushed there by working all the complexities of splitting various retirement accounts and the presence of XW's parents over S13's birthday and upcoming Thanksgiving holidays. (oh yeah, and three children with coughs and sniffles again, ... and little dog reaching end of life, waking me several times a night and pooping on the floor everyday)

Queensryche has been the 80's band of the week. Something a little harder for my mood. Kids are not so sure about this band LOL. They certainly speak to some of our experiences. Here's to you Caligirl, DnJ, Mach1, and other music fans...

We question our very identity after BD. Was anything real? Doubt and Fear. Grasping at making changes to remain whole.

Someone Else? - Queensryche

When I fell from grace
I never realized
how deep the flood was around me.
A man whose life was toil
was like a kettle left to boil,
and the water left scars on me.

I know now who I am.
If only for a while,
I recognize the changes.
I feel like I did before the
magic wore thin and the “baptism
of stains” began.
...
Here I stand at the crossroads edge,
afraid to reach out for eternity,
One step, when I look down,
I see someone else not me.
...
From where I stand at the crossroads edge,
there’s a path leading out to sea.
And from somewhere
deep in my mind,
sirens sing out loud
songs of doubt
as only they know how.
But one glance back reminds, and I see,
someone else not me.

I keep looking back
at someone else… not me?


We will be tempted to stop believing in love. Betrayal from the ONE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD who you gave the ultimate TRUST. You will not EVER be the same. Will you put up those walls? Jaded?

I Don’t Believe in Love - Queensryche

I awoke on impact
Under surveillance from the camera eye
Searching high and low
The criminal mind found at the scene of the crime
Handcuffed and blind, I didn’t do it
She said she loved me
I guess I never knew
But do we ever, ever really know?
She said she’d meet me on the other side
But I knew right then, I’d never find her
...
I guess she had a way
Of making every night seem bright as day
Now I walk in shadows, never see the light
She must have lied ’cause she never said goodbye
....
No chance for contact
There’s no raison d’etre
My only hope is one day I’ll forget
The pain of knowing what can never be
With or without love it’s all the same to me`

I don’t believe in love
I never have, I never will
I don’t believe in love
I’ll just pretend she never was real
I don’t believe in love
I need to forget her face, I see it still
I don’t believe in love
It’s never worth the pain that you feel


And now? Can you change into the best man/woman that you can? Can you be who the best version of you from all you learn? Fire up that grit and determination.

Best I Can - Queensryche

A child alone in daddy’s room
The gun was hidden here
No one home to catch me when I fall
A young man now in a private chair
I’ve seen the world through a bitter stare
But my dream is still alive
I’m going to be the best I can

I want to be a busy man
I want to see a change in the future
I’m gonna make the best of what I have
I want to write for a magazine
I’m gonna be the best they’ve ever seen
I know I’ll win if I give it all I can
...
Back street hoop star you’ve got it good
You were the wonder of the crumbling neighborhood
Now taking bids on the next six digit plan
Showed me that my will survived
The tragedy that came into my life
giving me hope and the new start
that I have
...
Now I’m moving forward
And I’m never looking back
Straight ahead, focused on the big attack
On a roll and I’m never slowing down
I won’t be torn between
The man in the chair
And the man that’s in my dream
I’m going to melt the two men into one

I won’t let go, gotta make the grade I set
No, I won’t let it go
To be the best man,
the best man that I can

g

[grok]

Half my Spotify is all 80s . My kids randomly sing old songs too . Quite cute when people see them singing along too .

Heh, one night while doing a Critical Mass nighttime bike ride through the city I rode alongside a family. They had a daughter who looked 14 or 15. She had a bluetooth speaker on her handlebars (like many of the participants) and she was blasting an 80's playlist the whole 10 mile ride. I laughed and sang along...

H in one of his many spews said I felt like our marriage was over . I said why ? He said he felt like we co -existed and gave me a long list of everything I don’t do for him . I didn’t respond to much of it . Wasn’t wasting my breath. I waited now and re-asked the question . H - something was wrong with me I felt alone

Well, my XW did / said much the same, in the form of earnest talking, making it hard to see as spew in the moment. Even just the month after BD she used the phrase, "when we were married..." It was one of those signs I could hardly believe but meant she was emotionally completely attached to OM already. I drank the STFU smoothie. I had learned by that time the minimum of sticking to only emotional validation. Internally thinking WTF!!!?? We ARE married. Any issues with feeling we are "co-existing" can be worked on WITHIN marriage. There is some truth on disconnection there after 20 years and three kids and two careers.

I can say this was not a thing that changed in the last 6 months . This was 4-5 years of chaos to start seeing a shift that has stuck for the first time in a very long time .

Interesting on the timeline. It took me a long time to learn about affairs and PEAs and MLC and WAS/WW. Might as well throw in perimenopause as well... Once I did, I took a hard look. ... ~3 to 5 years was my estimate. XW had hard plans to be gone by then. ... D19 once asked me something along the lines of - when mom would be normal. ... I don't know D19. Best guess is 3 to 5 years if ever. She has a lot to deal with

It is nothing you did or didn’t do . It is excuses they use to fuel their fires . H openly has said you made it easy to run when you would get upset at something . It got extremely hard to run when you started not even saying a word and got up to do your own thing like you didn’t even care . Stay your course Grok you are doing really well . I keep up with your posts and read some of the old threads .

Thank you. I mean it. In this mess we have few if any reference points to check on ourselves.

Funny of the day

I'm sitting at home teleworking today. MS Teams meetings ongoing with headset. My cell phone security camera notifications blowing up about someone in the driveway. ... I check. It is S13 riding a wheeled desk chair down our sloped driveway repeatedly! LOL. Looks like D17 is instigating again. I have plenty of bandaids...

g

[Mach1]

How are things goin ???

From what I've heard, some of my weather is drunk, and in your yard... : )

[grok]

Hey Mach1,

Yep, that weather wanders down from ND sometimes. Though by the time it gets here it went from -20F in ND to +38F yesterday morning here. Still, if you want a laugh, google Florida winter or cold weather memes...

- Ya'll pray for Florida, it's 48 degrees and we don't own any pants
- It's time to break out the cold weather gear, I'll wear socks with my sandals.
- Take a look at the beach, those wearing hats and jackets are Floridians, the ones in trunks and bikinis are tourists...

Days and Holidays and ... I'm 55 today

It's been a few days since my last update... I'm constantly tired, minor/moderate stressors in multiple dimensions, tight with the children, it's been a time of consolidation of self, focusing on the close in, I check in and read here everyday, often composing partial posts in my head but ... Kids and I basically took Thanksgiving week off from anything else...

Little dog with cancer walks with difficulty, poops/pees on floor, wakes me multiple times a night to go out for 10 minutes. This may be his last week. D17 is having the hardest time with it.

D17 has two chickens surviving. We have started to let them out in the back yard, uncaged. Dogs seem afraid of them LOL.

I spend an evening a week now helping D17 with her dual enrollment college classes. Algebra and a Bible class. She doesn't seem to want mom's help.

S13 is in a bit of a funk. ... Reverting to "I don't know" whenever asked questions.

D19 is working hard still and trying to figure out how to not be tired all the time from working all day... Hahahahah... I really shouldn't laugh as the next generation discovers the toil of unsheltered adulthood. She is exploring the concept of moving out sometime and getting an apartment with a friend. I did a brief walk though of how it is possible, but not as easy as she thinks to pay for everything.

Made two, hour long runs to the store last night after getting home from work. Once with D19 and then another with D17. Sinterklaas traditions from partial Dutch ancestry. Put out shoes that get filled with goodies by the next morning. Had to go get the (secret) goods. And help D17 shop for her Secret Santa duties on her gymnastics team.

D19, "Mom is asking if it is OK if she puts Sinterklaas things in our shoes here"
Think for a moment. Is this good for my children? yes.
G, "yes D19, that is fine"

Friends

I may write out some longer bits another time... because some of this requires more contemplation.

I made a new friend at the brewpub before the dual hurricanes. I went on my usual Tuesday night but the crew I know wasn't there. So ... I got a beer and went to the long window table just me and a book. A guy comes up also solo and plunks down a space away. After a few minutes i say hello and he notices my bookmark is "The Four Agreements." It turns out he had recently read it ... Because:
      - He's a WAH
      - Two years separated, now working to finalize D
      - "Just wasn't happy" anymore
      - In therapy ... apparently not one encouraging working it out.
      - Was the second marriage
      - Had a D14 from the first, where the W used the courts to keep him from her. He kept records of all his attempts to get partial time. When she asked "why didn't you fight for me," he just handed her the records. She didn't need to read them all and they are tight now.
      - He got himself a girlfriend now, despite still being officially M, stbxw apparently went from non-hostile to ballistic when she found out last month.
      - Prior military officer, same service.

I just listened and didn't accuse. ... though I don't think I can agree with his approach or values here. Told him the outlines of my story. His eyes boggled a bit at her choices.

The first friend I made at the brewpub, F, is now getting a divorce. He talked to me about it a little bit some time ago. Apparently, his W, J, is a partial alcoholic and behaves badly the days following consumption. From his perspective...she won't work on it or change. She was welcoming and friendly to me on Tuesday nights.

A military officer who was a good friend some years ago is planning to retire and was asking me yesterday about locations around me in Florida. I'd love having him nearby as we've been out of touch for a while.

Grandparents

XW's parents still in town in their own RV. We get along well, though I think communication is awkward as they go through D19/D17 often. Interesting daughters' perception of them and mom and ... on whose home this is ... I put zero blocking between them and the kids. They are welcome to come visit or take the kids out.

"Dad, Grandpa and Grandma want to know if it's OK to come over and play games Sunday afternoon after church, they will be there and take us to lunch. "
"OK, sure, they are welcome, and it will be fun."
"Oh, they are asking if mom should come."
pause
"No."
"OK, at least they asked this time...."

Lines of authority

In line with whose home it is... I discovered S13 was planning a movie marathon day with his friends but had not talked to me. I think for him there is some internal confusion about lines of authority and areas of responsibility. Having mom in the home some hours each week ....

G, "S13, were you planning this with just your friends? Do their parents know?"
S13, "I don't know"
G, "OK, but this has to be done by parents, not just kids arranging what they want..."
S13, "Well, I talked to mom about that I wanted to do."
D19, "S13, Whose home is this?"
Both D19 and D17 point at me.
G, "S13, for things done here, you have to talk to me and I'll talk to their parents."
S13 hangs his head
G, "You have a good idea and it will be fun to plan a Minions movie marathon for you and friends."
D19, "we'll pencil in in on the calendar and work on it."

Thanksgiving

The kids and I made a spread of traditional thanksgiving stuff. Took all afternoon to make! They didn't mention mom. I didn't either. I had one question from S13 about the grandparents coming over but I deflected it. Maybe I should have been blunt. ... Best judgment at the time and all...

Kids wanted a bluetooth speaker in the kitchen to listen to music... So I did one better. I pulled out of the closet a partial tube(!) based mini-integrated amp and speaker set. Did some minor repairs on the volume control and set it up on my large kitchen island. Gloss black so it looks and sounds pretty good.

and Christmas next up

The day after Thanksgiving, D17 had most of the Fall decorations already packed up! LOL. We got out the Christmas decoration boxes. D17, S13 and I also went out to inexpensive stores to get decorations for the home. Wall stickers, bottle brush trees, nativity nesting dolls, little battery lights, and more! It really looks good!

The tree will have to wait a week. I want it to live until New Years. Starting last year, I changed out from the artificial tree XW always liked to a real tree. Traditions and patterns for the 4 of us only.

g

[Caligirl]

Grok

Nice to see you putting the kids first with the grandparents. I did the same . When all came out I think H parents thought I wouldn’t let the kids see them . I said we may not always see eye to eye but that doesn’t involve the grandchildren. You are welcome to come in anytime. Your son is banned when he moves out . His parents surprisingly agreed .

I’m cracking up at the speaker !! It took me a week how to figure out connecting to the echo dot . I’m sure the kids love it .

[grok]

For those following along, the amp/speaker is the HTC HMS-100, an OEM version of some hobbyist audiophile stuff (google for images). Purchased for $80 on clearance one day on a whim. It's pretty in chrome and gloss black.

It came with an iPod dock... iykyk. And a brush and white gloves to take care of fingerprints! I never did replace the tubes to experiment with other versions or mess with the speakers. I've had it in the back of my mind to replace the internals of the iPod doc with a Bluetooth receiver...a hobbyist modernization. Quirky fun

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Happy 55th Birthday! Hope you had a great day.

S13 is in a bit of a funk. ... Reverting to "I don't know" whenever asked questions.

S13 was planning a movie marathon day with his friends but had not talked to me.

Sounds like son is acting like a typical teenager. Brooding, starting to push boundaries, testing you, seeing how rock solid your convictions are, etc. Don’t worry, it’s only a phase. It only lasts until they’re about 25. LOL!

The amp looks pretty cool! I think a Bluetooth receiver would be an excellent upgrade.

D

[grok]

...down one dog

Well, little dog with cancer finally met his end on Monday… Peeing on his bedding I washed every day. I consulted with the children and D17 didn’t want to put him down so long as he wasn’t in pain or loosing his mind.

I was teleworking Monday. Made eggs and bacon for the kids before they woke at S13’s request. Figured out D19 didn’t have work until 10:30. OH! There is a gap here where all three kids are home together with me right now! Let’s go get our Christmas Tree! Off we went, after waking D19 (grumpy and moody after being woken with a 10 minute deadline…). We all enjoyed the hour, going and playing music, picking an eight foot White Pine, discussing where in the living room we will put it this year. Big dog’s crate got moved for it…he was so confused! LOL!

I had put the little dog outside in the sun for the afternoon like he enjoyed. In the evening it was time to go take S13 to his scout like troop…though I had little spare time to squeeze in the full work day and all the over activities. In a rush out to my vehicle, I remembered little dog outside at the last moment and rushed back to bring him inside. He had fallen asleep in the sun outside in the back yard and never woke up. About a good a way as he could go. He hadn’t been eating much at all the last week. He couldn’t walk.

I put the body in the garage and pondered… when to tell each child? How? D19 is at work. D17 is at gymnastics. I’m taking S13 to his troop meeting.

I decided to try and wait until we got back.

While at the troop meeting I get messages from D19, ”Where is little dog?!!!!”

OK, well, she will take it the best. So, I just told her…. And that I hadn’t told her siblings yet. D19 immediately grasped the dilemma. Since she was going to pick D17 up from gymnastics (XW said she couldn’t that night, please someone pick her up) and volunteered to delay D17 coming home so I could tell them together. ”I’ll take D17 out for a Boba or some other treat to delay her.”.

D19 ended up getting chicken nuggets and French fries for all. But had to tell D17 on the way home. I told S13 when we got home. Hugs to D17 and S13 ran off for a couple minutes. None wanted to go see the body.

"Why are you here?"

Around 9p, our two remaining dogs, big and little, got anxious around the door. I had an idea of what was going on and saw XW’s outline through the door window. I just unlocked the door and opened it while continuing on about my evening business. She came in the door looking around for the kids. D17 was on the couch looking at her.

D17, ”Why are you here?”[/]
XW, [I]”to give hugs…
D17, ”NO, I mean WHY are you IN THE HOUSE?”
XW tentatively, ”… I can go back outside if you want … I’ll wait in the car?”
…
XW, ”D19 messaged it might be good if I came in tonight.”
D17, ” … no …”

S13 got 10 minutes of hugs from mom.

D17, D19, …. Some minutes and then went their own way.

I didn’t take part. I busied myself with other things needing doing. This is between her and them.

My consoling and advice for them was before and in the hours over the next day.

g

—written at the campfire tonight on my laptop … one night campout with S13 and wreath laying tomorrow at the National Cemetery—

*Wreaths Across America*

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

My condolences on the passing of your family’s pooch. A loving faithful companion. (((Hugs)))

He had fallen asleep in the sun outside in the back yard and never woke up. About a good a way as he could go.

I agree. Nice and peaceful. Wrapped within a warm beam of sunlight.

D

[grok]

I realized I hadn't been adding lyrics last few posts ... I guess the feels from the music has been separate from the stories I've been relating ...

from the harder rock before though new-wave/goth of The Church, The Cure, New Order, ... to being more chill of

the last few days it has been back to dance/electronica/ambient. No, I can't dance. I'm terrible at it. But I do find the complex morphing beats to be calming in a way.

I used to listen to ambient after I got home from work to help me put away the busy of the day for a while.

"Hey Spotify, play Röyksopp radio."

The Next Day - Röyksopp
...
She came to me with sincerity
She gave me all that she was
I took her in, let love begin

But in the morning next day
She had to go, she couldn't stay
I never got to know why
She gave a kiss and said goodbye
But as she walked out the door
I saw the tеars behind it all
The dying light in her еyes
A jaded heart that would keep us apart

Oh, I wanted to stay beside you
Oh, I wanted to stay beside you

well ... that struck home.

XW, shortly after saying she wanted a separation, "G, my heart is hardened now. I don't think you can reach me."

I find out LATER (from snooping) she was already fully infatuated with OM when she said this. Yeah, ... No $h1t. When you are in an A, you will not be open to me, your H.
...

A little while later in the generated playlist, tying back to the 80's music, much to my surprise was this artist combo in my playlist. I know Jean-Michel Jarre as an electronica pioneer starting in the late 70s, popularized in the 80s, and the first Western artist to perform in China after Mao. And the Pet Shop Boys? LOL. Synth-Pop stars of the 80s with many hits. Together?!

Brick England - Jean-Michel Jarre, Pet Shop Boys

Evening
When the sun begins to sink
behind the smoke
there's a burning red glow all around
Watching
as the colour starts to fade
and the darkness
seems to rise out of the ground
Walls rise and fall
and now they're building tall
in the city
Brick England
They build them up
and then they knock 'em down
to put up another
Brick England

What a catchy blend of both signature styles! and perhaps hits my melancholy streak more than I need. It doesn't pull me under anymore. Still, no need to dwell there emotionally. I was on overload far too long.

g


Ack! I let one more superbly catchy beat though! Dreams of a past gone by ... ... or a future to be

Diamond Veins (feat. Sarah Rebecca) [Kid Francescoli Remix]

Blood-filled jewel of life
Take my soul, take my sacrifice

Diamond veins running through me
You are the diamonds in my veins
Baby, you caught me

[Caligirl]

Grok

I’m so jealous of the campfire . It’s been cold here so no fires . Such a peaceful thing I enjoy .

Sorry to hear about the pup . But what a way to go in the sunshine . Sounds peaceful .

Your music choices are always interesting. Hard hearts are definitely unreachable . Your posts help give me a sense of peace at times . Love reading them .

Hope you and the kids have a wonderful holiday .

[grok]

Your posts help give me a sense of peace at times . Love reading them . .

Here’s one for you then. A "Slice of Life" bit. They help me ... withstand.

A Christmas shopping side story

So, … shopping at Walmart with D19 for a last few bits and looking for maybe a hoodie for S13. Nothing in the kids section. Check the mens section… a small might work. She finds a one with an anime character he likes … except the only ones of that style are mens 42-44 sized!

We look at each other. Thinking, well, he could wear it as a tent? …. aaarrrrggg! *sigh*

I whip out my phone and the WM app to look it up. There is one small supposedly in stock 30 minutes to the south …. I’m not driving all that way for this. Maybe I can order it delivered? I check. Yes! Delivery on the 24th. No! The app reverts to a different zip code. Aaarrrgg! I fight with the app while we walk around and finish shopping. As we walk out of the store, I’m about to do the online checkout, and I realize the total is $10+ high. ???

Ok. Next fight. With the app. Bring it on. …. “get free shipping with orders over $35. Add more to your cart!” *sigh*. Fine. I’ll figure this out as we walk out to the car.

G, ”hey D19, I have to add more to not pay shipping on the one item…what do we need?”
D19, ” Oh! Annies Mac n Cheese Please! The white cheddar kind!!!”
G, ”Ah! Good thought. Easy and reasonable healthy and D17 likes them too”

So I add 4 boxes to the online cart, as we are walking in the parking lot, … “get free shipping with orders over $35. Add more to your cart!”

*sigh*. Fine.

So I add 4 MORE boxes to the online cart, as we get in the car in the parking lot, … “get free shipping with orders over $35. Add more to your cart!”

*sigh*. Fine.

G, ”OK D19, we’ll go as soon as I can complete this. I still need more. What are those noodles long like spaghetti but flat?”
D19, ”Dunno, google it”

Hahahaha … Google autocomplete’s the question before I finish typing. I’m not the only noodle dummy out here. Fettuccini.

So I add 4 boxes of fettuccini to the online cart. “You get free shipping for your order over $35!” Finally. I mark them all to come on the same day.

$20 for the hoodie. ~$20 for noodles. We’ll eat them. Just buying ahead a little.

D19, "Lets go already! I'm hungry. I want Mac n cheese"
…
Annies Mac n Cheese delivered yesterday
Fettuccini delivered today
Still waiting for the hoodie
…
SMH. *whatever*

Wrong Side of Heaven

I’m stronger…but still … the holidays hit you sideways sometimes anyways.

The song is about PTSD. You experience. Loss of Identity. Shame. Guilt. FAILURE. Yeah. You. Me. LBS. …

An IC I talked to offered PTSD treatments. Not unusual for the LBS.

Wrong Side of Heaven - Five Finger Death Punch

I spoke to God today
And she said that she's ashamed
What have I become?
What have I done?
I spoke to the devil today
And he swears he's not to blame
And I understood
'Cause I feel the same
…
Arms wide open
I stand alone
I'm no hero
And I'm not made of stone
Right or wrong
I can hardly tell
I'm on the wrong side of Heaven
And the righteous side of Hell
The wrong side of Heaven
And the righteous side
The righteous side of Hell

I'm not defending
Downward descending
Falling further and further away
Getting closer every day
I'm getting closer every day
To the end


In hindsight, one of my biggest fears has been my biggest stabilizer. Single Dad. Three kids.

G’s parents, ”G. You have to do what it takes. You have three precious children who need you. RIGHT NOW.”

Yeah, that is an external locus. I know. It is an immediate hands on focal point though … while I work on the inside.

Which also helps drive a plea to the Almighty. To set myself aright, to be able to hold them in my arms in a stable home, I need my feet on solid ground. I must WITHSTAND this storm.

And I found out they have provided stability to ME in return. Filling in the gaps. Accepting and helping in reordering the household rhythms.

Withstand - MUCH MORE

I was bankin' on myself and my righteousness
Overthinking left me vacant up in my chest
Oh God, I was so upset and
Oh God, I was so obsessed with
My thoughts they were in the flesh and
My God, I was on the ledge when

You set my feet on the rock
No more sinking in sand
For much I was bought
Now much more I will withstand

g

[grok]

… the holidays hit you sideways sometimes anyways.

this evening

The kids left for mom and grandparents ~1+ hours ago. D19 herded the other two and said lets go. ... part of Christmas reduced to a settlement contract between XW and I. the 24th her. the 25th me. It make me want to throw up.

the rationalizing offered by XW echoing around my insides.

Wrapping a last few items while they aren't here. Little dog snoring on the bed.

Listening to Spotify radio based off all my likes... whew! that is a variety.. LOL.

Cleaning and resetting my oversized custom Amish desk. All those things needing attention when running a household... Medical, cars, bikes, ... messaging parents and sisters.

Opening and resetting connectors on the inside of my main computer monitor. Dell U2711 off ebay years ago. A 2011 model! It's gradually degrading and I should get a new one. To upgrade will need $400 plus though. *sigh*

her
Going through the little decorations, I come across a figurine of Wonder Woman I got from a vending machine ~15 years ago. I have had it in front of me at my desk under my monitor at work or at home for all these years. It represented XW to me.

My hands start shaking. I put it in a box in the closet. Things of HER have to be put away. I .... can't right now.

Spotify is playing ...

Waiting for the End - Linkin Park

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
...
I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
...
'Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Whew! Breath.

Stop and reset

Stop it G.

Wonderful normal kids who love being here with me. Great smelling 8 ft Christmas tree and I put cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg in a pot on the stove. Presents for all under the tree. Interesting and solid job and workmates. Flex time. Solid loving parents and sisters. Hehe, even when we haven't gotten together in years, if we sit on the couch together ... suddenly we are in a pile just as if we were still kids together... LOL. Four bedroom home, with space, I can afford. And on.

Kids said they would kick in so I can get Audioengine A1 speakers at my desk for presents The Cambridge Soundworks FPS2000 speaker set I've been using for ~20 years will go to D19. Good quality lasts ... I'll have to get the Audioengine S6 subwoofer some other time. Yes, a budget audiophile ... Anyone know where I can get a Sony TA-N9000ES amp repaired? It's about 55 lbs so I don't want to ship! Originally worth about $2k+ 25 years ago...it still will sell for $8-900!

I digress ...

D17 messages, "Daaaad, we're gonna need help bringing in stuff when we get home. ..."

Oh my! but ... I notice ... I ... am her home.

g

[MamaG]

G - you're doing a great job and have a positive attitude. As you pointed out, I trust that you have harder days and that the holidays presented some challenges. Yet, all in all, you are holding the family together while healing the insides. It's a lot to be responsible for and you're rocking it. The kids see you as family and think of you as their home. There's no greater compliment if you ask me. Healing is a process, as I too am learning. The insides will catch up.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. What a peaceful way to go though.

Let's see what 2025 will bring.

Happy New Year!

[grok]

Happy New Year all.

Here's to new beginnings.  Some we wanted and some we didn't in 2025.

Christmas

Christmas through New Years was pretty good for us, D19, D17, S13, and me.   Not as big of a presents pile this year (Finances remain a juggling act in the short term until the remaining alimony payments are done) and we were late in shopping for each other.  Each child got something in the $100+ range as an anchor gift from "Santa" plus a small pile of wants and stocking stuffers.  S13 is now a front yard and street menace with his Arrma Granite Grom RC car.  I also decided to get something all three could share ... A countertop "soft ice" maker.  I got squeals of excitement.  

Grandparents

Kids told me Grandma and Grampa (XW's parents) were leaving Florida early.  By New Years day.  By all accounts something over a month early from previous planning.  They had been meeting us at church each week and taking the kids and I out to lunch each week.  All their own initiative.  

They have been over a number of times at the kids invitation to play games and so on.  The answer was always YES when the kids said the grandparents wanted to take them or meet them somewhere.  

Interestingly, the kids were sad briefly and expressed their feelings to me, but that was it.  Not broken-down crying for a few days like when we got back from visiting my family.  I am very careful not to bias the children toward either set of grandparents.  When the kids note differences, I simply say, that is how this set of grandparents expresses their love for you.  

XW

XW has not shown up at the house during daytimes (as allowed) during winter break. Sometimes not in the evenings for goodnights as has been her pattern.  She apparently (I'm guessing here) forgot D17's new gym schedule again on Monday.  I was teleworking that day and D17 asked if I could take her in to gym that morning... "right now so I'm not late".  I did and didn't ask why.  I received a call from D17 mid-day asking for a pickup also.  I did and didn't ask why.  

New Years

I’ve been late on a number of things as I work out how to single parent. Fireworks for New Years is another one them. Reminding myself to give myself grace …. Too late to get a discount store pack. *sigh* this will cost more…. Still, it has been important to them to light fireworks with me every year. The evening of the 31st I piled the kids in the truck to head out to a fireworks sales tent I remember a few miles away.

I let them pick out one “big” $15 thing each + a small pack with 25 or so misc. Like everything else these days prices have jumped up. $170. S13 picked a ground pack that launched 20 rockets in a row. D17 picked a pack of spin launch rockets. D19 picked a sword that spat flames and sparkles from the tip. They picked for me a “gatling gun” that spat 200 roman candle balls!

We started an hour before midnight and ended up lighting the last ones in the first minutes of 2025! And. I learned “calming music for dogs during fireworks” is an actual thing. Multiple YouTube videos. AND IT WORKED!!! Big and little dogs chilled in their crates while the music played.

-side story-

Really we started about an hour before that. After buying fireworks I headed to the nearby grocery store for a lighter from the grilling section.

S13, D17, D19, ”Daaaad, Daaaaaad, aren’t you going to get a cart? You know you never leave without a bunch of other stuff.”

G, ”OK, OK. I just don’t like making extra trips when I’m already here. S13 this bag of apples for you since that is a fruit you will eat. D17 pick a sliced meat like you wanted for sandwiches. Yes, D19 we can get some special snacks. You may get the potato chips and French dip. Yes you can all pick out a drink. Ha! D19 wanted to try Champagne. OK Lets do that too.

For those wondering, yes, I follow the approach that my kids may try things like drinks in my presence and control. They do not need to sneak. Their curiosity is satisfied. I control when, where, and how much.

By 12:30 all are in their beds. Zzzzzz. And sleep in.

2025

A lazy morning. All needed rest. House is a mess. Ugh. OK. I have to remember all over again. I’m it. No one else to share duties with. It can still be disorienting.
a wave of chemicals wash into my bloodstream
a melange of emotions roll through

Noon and we clear debris and put away Christmas stuff. Wails all around. NOPE, we are cleaning up today. Dad says. So they all settle into tasks.

Afternoon double plot twist.

S13 comes over to me and says ”Dad, can my friend M come over for the Minions movie marathon I wanted to do with him?”
G, in a snap decision, ”OK, S13, I’ll ask his dad.”

He can come over , and S13 has to double down on doing all the chores and cleanup first. He does well. They will watch the first three movies and do the other three another day.

D17 is unhappy. She wanted a peaceful day. And an outing with us four to the park or something. I explain that S13 often gets left behind in activities he wants. And we have been trying to arrange a day for the last month.

D17 gets lots more unhappy when XW messages them and asks to to out someplace with them for the afternoon/evening. Her day has been totally changed from what she wanted and she feels obligated to go with mom. Whew! Some emotions spewing!

Most chores done, D19 drives off with D17, M arrives to watch movies.

I … take the time to pack more of XWs misc stuff into boxes and put them in the garage with all the other things. Such a giant amount of *stuff* of hers … mostly handicraft or education related… most of which hasn’t been touched in many years. I feel more irritated than anything else. It is about two years after she first accepted romantic overtures from OM. If she hasn’t taken the time, I certainly don’t feel bad about dumping it all in boxes and moving it all out of the house.

I take M home with S13, and D17 and D19 arrive home ~9p. We get to bed a little early. Regular year begins tomorrow.

May God grant me (us) Mercy this year. I (we) need it.

g

Kyrie Eleison (It's Mercy We Need) - Elias Dummer feat. Citizens

Mercy
What I need is mercy
But what I want is mostly, mercy for me
Justice, yeah, we all we want justice
But is it really justice if it doesn’t cost us
Do I love mercy enough to bleed?
Will I do justly when it ain’t free?
I could walk humbly, weak on my feet
With Christ as my king, his mercy through me
Kyrie Eleison
Lord Have Mercy

Kyrie Eleison
(Lord Have Mercy)

Mercy mercy mercy for the sinner in me
Mercy mercy mercy for my friends and enemies
Mercy mercy mercy through my hands and through my feet
Lord have mercy cause it’s mercy we need

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

A soft ice creamer maker! Cool!

I have to remember all over again. I’m it. No one else to share duties with. It can still be disorienting.

Oh, I do remember waking up like that. It is disorienting as the realizations slam back in.

I’ve been late on a number of things as I work out how to single parent.

Yes, give yourself some grace. It takes time to figure this stuff out.

One of the biggest lessons of single parenting. Letting things go. There is lots to do- usually too much - ensure the high priority, important stuff is taken care of and go on from there. And do carve out that so important recharge time for grok. Burning out serves no one.

You’re doing really good g!

D

[Caligirl]

Grok

I found to help with being disoriented just selecting 2 things to accomplish. I started this few years ago when I felt like my weekends were not really days off . It has helped tremendously.

If it’s late . It’s late . Promise the world keeps spinning .

[grok]

A soft ice creamer maker! Cool!

Well, not quite! LOL. Soft ice as in the kind of ice many fast food or restaurants use. The ice chunks are made so they are filled with little air bubbles, making them crunchy to chew. Not hard and solid. One step above shaved ice.

I found to help with being disoriented just selecting 2 things to accomplish. I started this few years ago when I felt like my weekends were not really days off . It has helped tremendously.

Solid advice. Not only do things get done... it feels less overwhelming and you get a feeling of accomplishment.

If it’s late . It’s late . Promise the world keeps spinning .

Mostly I'm good with that ... though in some areas the engineer in me gets aggravated things are not optimized. *sigh* working on that.

Like tonight. On the way home the other night I picked up the extra ingredients to make a Fettuccini recipe I had looked up. Remember all those extra boxes I ordered to get free shipping of a Christmas gift? White sauce/Kale/Sausage. Sounds delish! I started setting out all the ingredients and found I needed more unsalted butter. OK. I’ll go out to the garage chest freezer where I have some bulk supplies stored.
…
Why does it smell and feel soft? OH! #$%^#&%^$%^&.
…
It’s plugged in but not working. Irritation rises. I throw out three family size bags of Arby’s fires, 32 sticks of butter, some lbs of ground beef, … mutter, mutter, mutter
…
Stop it G. … the world keeps spinning …
…
Change of plans. What else did I bring home from the previous grocery run? Start with some chicken tenders for protein. Simple with some seasoning and olive oil in the skillet. Then I have green beens to cook. About six minutes to just soft and put some feta on top. Oh yeah, I got that pack of pre-made mushroom ricotta ravioli. Four minutes in the pot.

I find this combo on my plate very satisfying. Now off to make something S13 will eat. He does NOT have adult taste buds yet.

That broken freezer is an accomplishment to achieve some other day.

g

[grok]

Time flies.
I started this post six days ago

I think up the purpose and an outline of a post at least every day. ... S13, D17 and D19 need my attention though. S13 at 11:45 last night. "Sorry to wake you up. Dad, dad, I don't feel good. My belly hurts. I think it's sick feeling." Nyquil and vitamin C and a glass of water.

I still go through the archives and older threads. Yes, my D is final and I'm working through the aftermath and consequences. The lessons in relationships and personal growth though... Well, I'm still learning a lot from real people's stories and their attempts at applying DB lessons. Often said here, applying DB concepts becomes life long.

How do I pick threads? Well ...a variety of ways...though it really is just when something catches my interest.

The latest is from my FB alt account. I get friend suggestions there with last or first names being DB or DeeBee with the other names being their forum name. If they were involved enough to make an alt account, there is probably much to read. The latest is from rockedworld and associated threads.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2049467&page=all

The search here is ... lacking ... So hit your favorite search engine with "site:divorcebusting.com nameyouwanttofind"

Things that resonated

On the complaining WAS who is in an A....

(He swears they are just "friends" now and only hung out together with a group of people. Whatever! )Sheesh!

I am happy to give you the # to 1-800-WAAAAHHH that flowmom gave me for my H. wink The nerve of them complaining to us! I will never understand that.

You WILL go through the stages. And as you detach (lose your spouse goggles?) you will see your spouse for what they are right now.

My H's behavior this past weekend created a turning point for me I think. It was just so unbelievably selfish and pathetic. I had been really grieving prior to that, and still have my sad moments. But, now... I almost feel repulsed when I look at him. Hard to imagine.... this man I loved so deeply and was so attracted to for over twenty years. And now, .... well, ugh!

This is the feeling that catapults you out of the grief and mourning phase. You get to this phase when you are ready to see and accept what's in front of you and not what you thought you had in front of you.

Remember ...

Hey Romeo... it's called Eau d' Je suis vaut la peine wink

In case anyone is wondering... that means Essence of I am worth it! That is my attitude these days. smile

Why does it always seem to occur around 20 years together? Is there something about the human condition that makes 20 years the hump to get over?

Next week is our 20th wedding anniversary.

Today I am sad. frown

I'm facing this now. I just don't know. Just packed things away for now...

What have others done with wedding photos/mementos? I find this is one of the hardest things to deal with.

I worked 6 hours going through everything H had given me-keepsakes, stuffed animals, cards, love letters, the whole 9 yards as it is said. I tossed most everything out. The more beautiful love letters and cards, I placed in a box along with our wedding album and put it in H's home office. When he arrived back home, he saw the box and said "are there things in there you want me to have". I said yes, nothing more.

I felt okay about it all. I cried, got mad, cried some more when I went through everything as I don't want a D. I did feel somewhat "cleansed" of my pain after I tossed out the memorabilia. The pictures of H and I together were the hardest to deal with, these went into the round file too.......

I think that I need to just put all of that stuff in a box and store it away for now. I am not ready to go through it all and I feel it would set me back in my progress right now. Some day I will. Just not now. And that's OK.

I put all our albums in a bin, and stuck it in the garage. I think I labeled it "open upon my death"

It's there, should I ever want to look at it. If 20 years go by and I haven't opened it, I will just chuck it.

We often feel like we have to be taking action, doing something, setting things final ... Though we don't have to. Be stable and comfortable in limbo or other.

Still, don't feel pressured to slam shut any doors that you don't have to. You don't have to walk through them, take your time.

This concept is connected to the poem I copied from others before -
“Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?”
-Lao tzu

Understand you can only control and work on YOU. Do the right thing. Know your values and boundaries. Own your part. Be able to sleep at night because you know it. WAS and OM/OW? That is on them.

We are DB'ing, not promoting Divorce, but UNTIL the interlopers are out of the picture and our Spouses focus on themselves, we really can't do much else.

But I can sleep at night. Sinclair, I want you to be able to look in the mirror and KNOW you did the right thing and can sleep at night too.

In the end your self respect is resident in you.

And IS defined by YOUR actions and choices.

When we come here we don't see that right away. It is a process to get there.
...
Your values and your integrity. You can never go wrong when you do that because it is not dependent on the action or reaction of another person.

All the boundaries in the world will not restore that in yourself.

So choose your boundaries wisely and for YOU. And make sure you are prepared to make consequences for them and that they align with YOUR goals.

In the end your self respect is resident in you.

Umm yeah, but I have yet to meet a person with healthy self-esteem that doesn't have healthy boundaries.

And I've seen a lot of marriages get into trouble because both spouses didn't have healthy boundaries.

Time makes a good point Sinclair and one I should clarify.

I am not condoning bad behavior. What I am saying is that your boundaries are for you. To protect you.

Not to control someone's behavior or have an expectation that it will do anything but protect you from the bad behavior.

I am also saying that what your W chooses to do despite your boundary should not have a bearing on your self respect.

For instance she can choose to ignore your boundary. Does that mean she doesn't respect you? Maybe. Maybe she feels like she's being controled? Maybe because it's Tuesday.

If anyone here can give you the answer to that then have them give you the winning lottery numbers too.

Don't tie your W's choices to YOUR self respect.

The operative word is healthy. Healthy for you.

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

A soft ice cream maker! Cool!

Well, not quite! LOL

lol. I see I added “cream”. Hahaha. I must have been excited.

Yes, I understand the soft ice maker. Still very cool!

Why does it always seem to occur around 20 years together? Is there something about the human condition that makes 20 years the hump to get over?

There is usually/typically the next stage of life around then. Both partners are advancing and changing, and need to rekindle and reconnect as these “new” people emerge. Unfortunately things can go off the rails. Especially if both people wan at the same time.

From couples that remained married and in love for 50, 60, and beyond years, they often point out a one interesting reason among the others: We both didn’t fall out of love at the same time. Everything waxes and wanes.

Personally, I also find modern society quick to jump upon feelings rather than follow beliefs. It is normal during life’s various transitions for feelings to stir and such. Decisions based upon emotion lead to regret. Hold course or make regrettable decisions, IMHO.

We often feel like we have to be taking action, doing something, setting things final ... Though we don't have to. Be stable and comfortable in limbo or other.

Amen. Absolutely.

Let those feelings flit.

Embrace limbo.

Hope you have a wonderful day g.

D

[grok]

evening snippet

torn and loose ends

I was making medical appointments with D19 today as she is still scared of Drs. Eye, ENT, Labs, Orthodontist, Dentist. XW used to do ALL of these with the kids as they were during work day hours. Things lost and late. running running

D19, "Dad, we have to do the Ortho real quick. I've about run out of all the retainers they gave me. ... They have to sign off so the Dentist can put in the other stuff."

I look at her for a moment thinking about how long that would be. I ask, "D19, was that about two years worth?"

She says with lots of sarcasm, "Yes Dad, that was when EVERYTHING was dropped."

Oh.

I'm ... still finding and picking up loose ends left ... with my children, with the home, ... and me.

"OK D19. .... ..... I'm .... a lot was .... your mother ... ... I'm ... still trying to do all the things."

small aftershock

emotions cycle

g

[MamaG]

I just responded to your thoughts on my thread and as I re-read your comments from 1/15, I realize how similar our paths are. Roughly 20 years. Listening. Cycling. Drinking as many STFU smoothies as we can.

She says with lots of sarcasm, "Yes Dad, that was when EVERYTHING was dropped."

Gotta love kids of all ages. On one front, kids are our saving grace. On another, such a fulltime job. They certainly speak their mind. I laughed when I read this comment. I can hear my D saying this to me and there would be an eyeroll with her delivery. Perhaps hands being lowered and smacking her thighs in frustration as she stomped out of the room with a SMH.

I remember my S telling me a month after BD to stop playing victim. In hindsight, he was the wise one.

They aren't shy with snarky comments. They feel safe telling us their thoughts. Consider it a compliment.

You're doing great, G.

[grok]

Gotta love kids of all ages. On one front, kids are our saving grace. On another, such a fulltime job. They certainly speak their mind. I laughed when I read this comment. I can hear my D saying this to me and there would be an eyeroll with her delivery. Perhaps hands being lowered and smacking her thighs in frustration as she stomped out of the room with a SMH.

Yeah, similar here.

Though in this context I believe D19 was talking mostly about XW. This and the other things we had been talking about were all XW's responsibilities during our marriage.

children's perspectives
Perhaps it is just my perspective as the duties I had always done, I continued, and the things WERE XW's duties got mostly dropped. ... well, I am slow to realize sometimes that they were dropped, and I have to pick them up. From MY perspective it is clear.

From a child's perspective it might look different: Parents have always done X, Y, Z, 1, 2, and 3 for us children. We children do not have the direct knowledge of how Dad (X, Y, and Z) and Mom (1, 2, and 3) divided up the household responsibilities. Now Dad is here and Mom is over there and only X, Y, and Z are getting done. Dad, why is everything, i.e.1, 2, and 3, dropped?

I started to say something about XW dropping all the things ... Then bit my tongue. Put the wall back in place. My children are not to be vented to about XW. They are certainly not dumb. They will perceive and trust based on my ACTIONS. Often repeated here, stop talking and DO.

I validated many things were dropped and it is a problem.

I told her I'm doing my best to pick up and track all the things.

children -> adulting
I have been thinking about how to get D19 and D17 to pick up more of "all the things," i.e. "adulting" ... I was messaging with my old friend (the previously described best man) about some of this. He has older children now too. He expressed how he and his W have been asking their children to step up and take on more duties in the household. For older teens and up it is time to take on the responsibilities. Perhaps lay it on D19 that it is time to take on more things as her own responsibility. BEFORE she heads out on her own sometime.

g

[grok]

AAR quicklook

grok is processing processing

... a bit of a low level surge of emotions and chemicals churning in the bloodstream

XW tells S13 more

XW stopped by, bringing S13 back home after a few hours out this morning. She then came upstairs to the MB where I am teleworking today at my desk. She shuts the door and says she needs to talk to me. I'm sitting at my desk. She is standing. I don't get up.

She says she HAD to tell S13 more about "the situation." Such an obfuscating word.

- He was noticing things
- Stuff disappearing, stolen, and being followed
- Like that corrupt county we used to live in
- I had to tell him something
- I'm a straight shooter
- Septic system at her RV and now at her rented biz place both having issues because sabotage
- They take stuff out of her car
- Amazon packages are stolen
- Surprised she still has a car
- D19 and D17 think I'm crazy but it's happening and S13 is noticing without me prompting
- THEY are even disconnecting the 3D printer and connecting it elsewhere!!

poker face G, "OK ... that sounds hard"

XW starts to walk out, "You're condescending. You need to work on that. I know you know more than you are letting on."

Some expression G, "I'm ... sorry you feel that way"

XW pauses and looks, "I know. I can see it on you."

poker face G, gently, "I'm listening. What is it you wanted to tell me?"

- Rambling about things she is trying to do that she wanted even before we were married
- Do you have concerns about homeschooling him
- I'll agree to put him in a school if he wants to go but he doesn't
- You have to tell me these things

poker face G, "I ... don't have a problem with homeschooling. I watch and observe and see. I will do what is right for me and my children. If he needs to go to a school I WILL talk with you."

XW emotionally, "With these cameras in/on the house everyone is recording and watching me. "

G pauses, softer face, "NO. I did not put these cameras here to watch you. "

XW emotionally, "Well if you aren't, THEY are. Through the cameras. But THEY won't do anything to the kids. And I know you will protect them. I want the kids to be safe. This is not their problem. "The situation." "

poker face G, "YES. I WILL keep them safe."

XW, wet eyes, "I'm NOT COMING BACK. I know that is what THEY want. LINES were CROSSED in our marriage. The kids have to be kept out of it."

XW exits straight out.

I'm not sure what lines were crossed that she is referring to. Right now, she feels strongly that I crossed some lines and hurt her too badly. It IS an illustration of the push/pull concepts discussed as part of DB. She quite clearly feels like THEY are pushing her. So. She resists. "I won't be told what to do or feel"

I don't think I've done ANY R talk since fall of 2023. I'm not sure why coming back was inserted. This version of her is not attractive to me. I've just left it at "The future is unwritten" while pressing on with MY life.

***BREAK - D19***

1 hour later D19 comes zooming home at ~late lunch time. It's a little unusual so I go downstairs to see. D19 is standing at the bottom of the stairs with a **LOOK** on her face. I motion for her to follow me back up to the MB and shut the door.

G with a hug, "OK ... what's going on?"

D19, with tears, "SHE TOLD HIM!!! He's 13!!! She shouldn't have done that. He DOESN"T. NEED. TO. KNOW. AT. 13. ... D17 texted me AT WORK and CONFUSED ME. You have to talk to him. Take him out for ice cream or something. He's going to bottle it all up otherwise. AND he believes everything she says about all this!!! Because it's HER. Is she crazy? Other people's packages were getting stolen too. And my wifi behaves wonky sometimes too. That's just life."

G, wet eyes, gently, holds out his hand, showing her, it is shaking a little bit, "I ... know D19. She said ... many ... things to me over the last two years. I don't know how much is true or not. I had to learn to not focus on that and spend my energy on making sure you and D17 and S13 have a safe HOME here. We only control ourselves, not her. We do not control what she says or doesn't say. S13 may believe her or not. We can only show him how we behave."

D19, "But it's not right. And she things everyone is spying on her. It's not true!"

G, "D19, I did not put up cameras to "spy" on her or you. Because I'm now alone as a parent here I believed I needed to know who is coming and going around and in my home. I wanted to make sure my kids are safe and secure."

D19, "Yeah, well, this is not the best area of the town. We probably should have had some cameras years ago...."

D19 zooms back to work.

g

[Whatlee]

grok,

Your post are so captivating. You articulate the hell you are going through so well. When you write about the bike rides, the ice cream trips and even the crazy that you deal with, I feel like I have read a chapter from a Nicholas Sparks book. Your kids are so blessed to have you. You are a great dad. Keep up the good work.

[Caligirl]

Grok

You handled that perfectly. I’m still processing her coming into the MB and shutting the door . They have no boundaries .

She doesn’t live there so no say in the cameras . I don’t even know what she would be worried about . She’s there with the kids , who cares there’s cameras .

Wife telling your 13 year old more than they need to know is their way of alleviating guilt .

Just keep loving on those kids .

[grok]

Thanks Caligirl.

It is good to have some feedback on how I handle things. It is always hard to see from the inside. And I try to tell it straight as it happens. Though I pick which events I tell because they hit me somehow as ... more ... I don't know if that distorts my story some.

You handled that perfectly. I’m still processing her coming into the MB and shutting the door . They have no boundaries .

She has not done this often. Just when something is bothering her enough to push past her normal bounds. It FEELS like she stays away from being in the home many times... *reasons* I try to stay away from trying to figure anything out.

I did legally agree to give her house access during work hours week days and if I am on business travel. Deliberate on my part to have the kids stay in ONE home. To give her assurances I was not and would not "take the kids away from her." She had expressed some sort of fears she could be attacked in the courts as a bad mom. Not for her sake, but so she didn't feel desperate to split the kids days with me and days with her.

Today is an example of staying away. She could stay there today and tonight. I'm in San Diego now and return on Friday. I checked the camera (garage/doorbell) alerts. She came by the house twice. Just over an hour in the morning (removing more of her stuff?) and 15 minutes in the afternoon (to take D17 to gym?). With D19 herding a bit they did their chores and put themselves to bed this evening.

She doesn’t live there so no say in the cameras . I don’t even know what she would be worried about . She’s there with the kids , who cares there’s cameras .

Yeah, I don't know. I think it is a fear connected to OM and friends. She thinks they can tap into city/county/other cameras and spy on her everywhere. Apparently OMs family is a BIG THING in this county and has connections that do favors for them. And I certainly have better things to do with my time than spy through cameras. Scrolling through the alerts took two minutes to understand the flow of the day ... who came and went.

Wife telling your 13 year old more than they need to know is their way of alleviating guilt .

Hmmmm... hadn't thought of it that way.

Just keep loving on those kids .

Always. Keeping Faith.

Taller - Ethan C. Davis & Isla Vista Worship

[Verse 1]
I’m doing alright, I'm breathin' deep
I'm feeling taller than before
And I'm sure glad I let You in
The day You showed up at my door
The air is clear, I'm breathin' deep
I couldn't ask for too much more
'Cause when a friend is what I needed
You came running with support

[Bridge]
You got me feelin' so much younger
Livin' like it's always summer
With You I get a sense of comfort like nothing else
I'm seeing everything in color
There's beauty even in the suburbs
With You I get a sense of wonder like nothing else (Wonder like nothing…)

[Chorus]
I’m surprised, to say for sure
I love You more than I did before
And all I thought I wanted's in Your eyes
You heal my broken heart
You're making me a work of art
I feel my spirit risin' like the tides

It got late after travel. A post filling in the rest of the last 4 weeks tomorrow.

g

[grok]

D17 => D18 Yesterday! We did our celebration last Friday…before she left for a gymnastics meet over the weekend and I left on work travel n Monday.


”Don’t wish it were easier. Wish you were better. “
Rollo Tomassi -The Rational Male-


…things further remembered from that last talk by XW

You are a GOOD man. I told the kids that. Not that I talk about you to them. I don’t.

People that know me all think this is so out of character for me. But ….. “reasons”

I know you take a while to process so I don’t need answers right now but ….

I’ve been praying for ….


XW dealings notes - Holidays through the last “talk.”

Through the holidays, XW was substantially absent except for taking the kids a few times on activities with her parents. Though still coming over most evenings for “goodnight” for 5 or 10 minutes in her car.

The grandparents gifted the kids and her with FL season tickets to Universal Studios theme parks this year. When the kids were young, they would gift our family with season Disney tickets. XW did take S13 and D17 for a half day so far. The kids are asking me to get a pass myself so they can go with me. I think I should, though budget is a concern.

On New Year’s Day, XW announced in one go in the group chat (all 5 of us) that:

- She would be picking up S13 at 9am each week day, other than the co-op school day.
- She would be keeping his school books with her
- D17 can come and go mostly when she wants
- She will be about 10 minutes away
- S13 will be returned when she picks up or drops off D17 for gymnastics
- The shop is at address *******
- She will be staying in the RV for personal reasons
- Co-op school payments are due
- Does she have my permission to take S13 to a dental procedure?
- Then it will be time for his braces
- D17 will have a college dual enrollment bill

G, ”Yes, sounds like a good plan for school and teeth. I will have S13 ready to go at 9am. I will pay the school bills.”

In the following days in the group chat (most of the messages are sendtwhile I’m at work and do not have access to my phone so D19 responds)-

XW - D17 or Dad will have to take you to this gymnastics meet (with a picture of a schedule, no other context)
D19 - Dad and I will work it out

XW - I will be taking things set aside for me in the house to my rental space (small industrial space she apparently rented for her craft business…more than half the garage and a 5x5 foot space in the house are stacked with her stuff she abandoned)

XW - I’m busy on Tuesday nights and someone else has to pick up D17
D19 - We will get her

XW - D17 and I need a hotel in **** on **** for her gymnastics meet. I am ok paying if you are uncomfortable.
G - Check your email to make sure the details are correct.
(I use points accumulated from business travel to pay for hotels needed for gymnastics meets. I’m looking at is as I’m paying for D17’s stay. It’s the same no matter who accompanies her. It turned out her coach drove her to the meet. She stayed with the coach the first night. XW drove up the next day and stayed overnight. XW was busy with her business plans.)

XW - sends videos of each event. D17 won 1st place in all around in her level!
G - Celebration and trophy emojis.

A few direct messages had to do with money. Alimony, payment of school items and medical things. I have used a simple reply referencing our legal settlement. Keeping it to business.
G, ”As agreed. Payment for ****”

preparing for this week

I had been prepping for work travel this week. I'll be gone four nights. I let XW know. No expectations. I set up the kids to handle it by themselves.

Saturday morning I went shopping with D19 after taking her to get bloodwork done at a lab. (oh, that's another story as she begins to assume responsibility for her own adult medical care…). Despite helping with a lot of things Mom used to do, she is still a child. ”Daaaaad, you have to come with me. Dr.s are SCARY!!”. She decided it would help us all if she did more meal planning and asked me to buy a set of planned meal containers. OK! We spent Sunday afternoon cooking meals for the week.

G, ”D19, you mother may stay here while I’m gone. It’s up to her. As part of our signed agreement, she can stay here when I am traveling for work.”
D19 pauses and thinks, ”That’s fine. D17 and S13 do whatever they want when she is here though. She tries to keep to your rules, she does, but those two do stuff and she doesn’t stop them.”
G, thinking, do not accuse or put XW down, ”I know D19. We can only control our own choices. I will call and talk to them each day. Your mother … She …. has made choices and behaves …. very different than …. *sigh* … many … years before.”
D19, with bitter sarcasm, ”Ya Think!?”
O! G stops talking.

It FEELS like XW mostly stopped parenting two+ years ago.

Some time back, D19 had several confrontations with XW. As told by D19, D19 would get things done with her siblings and direct them even with her mom present ... and then XW told her later to stop undercutting her authority as Mom. ”I am still their mother you know.”. D19 came to me later distressed ... "I have to do these things because Mom sure isn't doing them anymore. She just lets everything go.”

So … how’d I do?

g

The Lost Ones - Florrie

We are flawed and we're afraid
Of a past that we couldn't change
And the dreams that we didn't chase
Have been and gone
And all this weight is put on us
Expectations we couldn't touch
When the best wasn't good enough
We kept moving on, mm-mm
…
And all the nights that you felt alone
With the people you didn't know
And the places you didn't go faded so fast
You're escaping the memories
And making peace with the enemy
'Cause you know right where you wanna be

We're the lost ones, yeah, it's a jungle, yeah
Our thorns are buried deep, but we see beauty in our dreams
And we're broken, yeah, but we're hopeful, yeah
To find our remedy, we see beauty in our dreams

[Caligirl]

Grok

I have to say sometimes I just crack up at you . The fact she thinks you got time to spy on her looking through the cameras all day . My H awhile back said he was scared I was going to follow him and plant a recorder in his car . My response everyone still laughs at . I said “ you think I’m going to waste my energy doing all that . I’ll hire someone to follow your girlfriend , not you and call it a night “. When I say my friends still crack up about me saying I’ll follow your girlfriend . They really do . Ain’t no one got time for your nonsense . Work smarter not harder .

The guilt they ensue on people . Just awful . He called so many people for sympathy even tried to get in the older kids ears . The bad wife spew . The hes just not marriage material. Very few even believed his non sense . Gig was up . They saw years of his chaos .

Hang in there . I needed the camera laugh today .

[Rockon]

I can so relate. W blew up at me and told me she was going to call the cops thinking i put a tracker on our car she was driving.

[grok]

Well Caligirl, Rock,

Maybe she's thinking of it because - I've alluded to it here a bit, it's not a secret, I just don't talk about it publicly much ... my technical day job is in departments with these words in the titles: reconnaissance, surveillance, tagging, tracking, etc.... I know a good bit about the equipment.

If I really wanted to ... she'd never know unless I wanted her to know. Like you said though.... after thinking about it ... I decided that is a LOT of work for really no purpose. I know how much effort it would take. I know that level of snooping wouldn't get me any closer to what I want.

That said, I was somewhat darkly amused that the fear of cameras might cause better behavior from her in my home. She once quipped something about she wasn't going to steal anything from the home. I drank my STFU smoothie and thought, I wouldn't have left you with a key to the house if I was afraid of that.

g

[grok]

Back from my week in San Diego. Good people. Good food on per diem allowance. Good work accomplished. Pleas from kids to hurry up and be home.

Out right now taking D18 dress shopping for graduation pictures. I have to say, Francesca’s is a great little store for tasteful female style.

Well… on the doorbell camera alerts last week I did see one thumbnail that looked like XW carrying a full laundry basket. I just paid it no mind and figured I did agree she could stay overnight there with the kids if I’m traveling. She didn’t stay but about an hour each day I think. Just before coming shopping with D18 I emptied the dryer… it was a load of XW’s clothes.

What was Caligirl saying about they don’t have boundaries? LOL

g

[grok]

I think D18 and I did pretty good. Just for fun, since we can't post pictures -

Search Macy's: 797130204117
Search Tractor Supply: Justin Women's Starlina Tan
Some earrings from Claire's

She wanted to wear "cowboy boot" style footwear. As she is blond and fair skinned ... I cautioned her about being too washed out looking. So she adding a wide matching brown belt to the white dress so she doesn't look too pale.

D18, "Dad, lets go to Tractor Supply to look for boots."

D18, "Dad, I'll pay half for these boots since they are expensive. And these boots I can wear as shoes anytime."

Smart girl.

g

[Rockon]

That is special no doubt

[grok]

an LBS … emotional journey

Despair Shock Eden has turned to ashes. WAS, why are you not with me through it all? Is that not the covenant we joined?

Ashes of Eden - Breaking Benjamin

Is there anybody calling?
I can see the soul within
And I am not worthy
I am not worthy of this

Are you with me after all?
Why can't I hear you?
Are you with me through it all?
Then why can't I feel you?

Bargaining If I blame myself…If I remain committed …

Evacuation - Greg Puciato

Don't you and I belong?
Oh, where did I go wrong?
Don't you and I belong?
Oh, where did I go wrong?

Not gonna just leave

How could it all be?

Grief In the end, everything you try … doesn’t work. It didn’t even matter.

In The End - Mellen Gi Remix (Tommy Profitt)

It's so unreal
You didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Tryin' to hold on, they didn't even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory
Of a time when I tried so hard

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter

Acceptance Who they were doesn’t exist right now. The current me is death. I want to be in the light again.

Blackwater Remastered 2003 - Rain Tree Crow - Everything and Nothing

I see no sign
I see no place I've loved
Depending on the signs
To find the road

Blackwater take me with you
To the place that I have spoken
Come lead me through the darkness
To the light that I long to see again

Emptiness Emotional exhaustion. You are empty. Worn down to a nub left.

Highway Anxiety - William Tyler

Instrumental

Calm Decision point. Eventually, YOU become the WAS.

The Message - Still Corners

Driving 'til dawn
Call you from the station
Leaving you a message
That I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone

Gone
I'm gone
I'm gone

Contemplative Your soul wanders. What does this mean? Who are you? Where now?.

Wandering Souls - Robbie Robertson

Instrumental

Spirituality. The S in PIES. Re-centering your spiritual self. Looking for relief from a higher power.

Running - Land of Color

I can hear you calling me
Come my child and sit down at my feet
…
Why am I running
From the one I need the most
I keep running, running
It's just like me to fall back in my ways
Tryin' to find love in all of the wrong the places
But it's not easy to see
…
I can hear you calling me
Come my child and sit down at my feet

Numb Anger profound Disappointment You cycle back though stages again. This is not linear. It hits you all over again.

Red Cold River - Breaking Benjamin

I can't feel anything at all
This life has left me cold and damned
I can't feel anything at all
This love has led me to the end
…
Try to find a reason to live
…
Run, run, run
Red cold river

On Edge Of your old world. You are at the edge of the world (that was). Time to step up and out. For …

Edge of the World - Karma Fields

Instrumental

Centered Fight for ME. MY values. MY goals. To be the BEST ME. For MY reasons.

For Me - Karma Fields

Fight for me
Fight for me

Fight for me
Fight for me
Me

g

( This was pretty close to what Spotify randomly played for me
- Audio me says - best played at volume with a full range (including subwoofer) system -
Spotify 17XqKU4xRkh2VysA9Voj4Z?si=2eb6fc14fbca4688 )

Coda

Making the weeks food with D19 and Spotify on random. She recognizes “In the End” by the first few notes. She knows the lyrics. She looks at my face.

D19, ”Dad, that’s not the vibe music I said to play. I’m taking playlist control. You are not allowed.”

A couple hours later on.

D18, chattering, listening to one of the songs, ”Have you ever been so sad you can’t breathe?”

I pause.

G, ”yes… D18“

D19, ”no D18, we’re not talking about that.”

[MamaG]

Hi G!

Before providing an update on my thread, I read through your update and focused on the bold theme before each song. It hit me. If you read it with the MLCer hat on, it fits. If you read it with the LBS hat on, it fits. I sat and pondered. Two journeys. Two different journeys. Two similar paths.

Your update hit home here. We fight. We fight for ourselves. We fight for our kids. We fight for what matters.

We cycle. And then we cycle again. Who are you? Where do you go now? Depending upon the day, the answer can be so different.

Time. You have the gift of time. Keep living life. And loving life. The answers will come. The answers may change. New answers are sure to come. Like you, I keep loving the kids. Keep being a stable parent.

[grok]

Thanks MamaG. I mean to write two thoughts in reply and look what happens!

Before providing an update on my thread, I read through your update and focused on the bold theme before each song. It hit me.

I'm glad what I was trying to say ... made it through.

If you read it with the MLCer hat on, it fits. If you read it with the LBS hat on, it fits. I sat and pondered. Two journeys. Two different journeys. Two similar paths.

Very true. Stick around here long enough and read through archives ... The commonalities between the LBS and MLC/WAS/WW/WH are notable. They are in crisis ... and so are you after having a bomb dropped. Yep, reactions to crisis run along similar paths

And talk about similar paths - the LBS often ends up ready to be a WAS. Your latest update sounds like you are starting to perceive that feeling and start asking that question.

Me? Well, the "wife goggles" dropped off a while back. I am divorced. The unanswered question... would I even want this version of her back? Or perhaps a better question would be ... would this new version of me want this version of her back?

Unanswered because ... I ... choose not to address or worry about things that don't need answering right now.

Your update hit home here. We fight. We fight for ourselves. We fight for our kids. We fight for what matters.

We cycle. And then we cycle again. Who are you? Where do you go now? Depending upon the day, the answer can be so different.

I still do cycle. Though muted now. and irregular. Usually, some minor trigger like discussed with Caligirl previously. I mostly have my peace. The questions continue to sit patiently for my answers.

Lots of thoughts along those lines I have in my head prompted by your latest update.

Time. You have the gift of time. Keep living life. And loving life. The answers will come. The answers may change. New answers are sure to come. Like you, I keep loving the kids. Keep being a stable parent.

I just let my cycles just flow though. now. Paraphrasing the Litany Against Fear from Dune:

I will permit the cycle to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the cycle existed, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

for

Life is to Live.

Dogs. Church. Grocery shopping. Separating angry sisters for a while. Cooking meals for the week with one daughter. A little Superbowl party with my kids. Being sure to thank the other daughter for cleaning the house with son. Chuckling and overseeing D19 and D18 who wanted to try having - a Cosmopolitan and Spiked Ice Tea. Kids troop out for a five-minute goodnight to mom at the curb. Cleanup. Empty the dryer. Nighttime routines.

Working on returning to my source of being. In accord with the way things are.

“Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.”
― Lao Tzu

g

[MamaG]

Having a full house is exhausting. I can appreciate that. On the flip side, it keeps you on your toes and certainly occupied. So occupied that you can "choose not to address or worry about things that don't need answering right now." That's a good thing right? You can think things through thoroughly and at your pace. There's that gift of time...

Alternatively, an empty nest provides for the option to think and overthink. Routines are here but dogs are less demanding. Heck, I even find that Dog2 is perfectly comfortable not waiting for my return to take care of his business. He only requires food and water. Outdoor trips are optional.

Loving the littles, or not so littles, while they're still at home was heartwarming. I also remember the craze and how stressful it was.

I still do cycle. Though muted now. and irregular. Usually, some minor trigger like discussed with Caligirl previously. I mostly have my peace. The questions continue to sit patiently for my answers.

Lots of thoughts along those lines I have in my head prompted by your latest update.

I admire your patience. Perhaps you've always been patient. This is something I've worked at for 2 years. And still work on.

Hopeful that prompting thoughts in you led to self-reflection...and eventually the answers will come.

[grok]

Just back from two nights away from home for work. Up to NC for a day to get a demo of a vendors next generation product.

I set up S13, D18 and D19 for success before I left. They can run the household just fine for a few days. Dishes tend to wait until I come back and enforce washing though....

This time around it appears XW did spend a 4+ of hours each day here in the home with the children.

Before I left -

D19, "Dad, I don't like it when you're gone."
G, "OK. Though you know you are all capable children and do very well even when I'm not there. What bothers you when I'm not here?"
D19, "I know ... but I'm always worried if something happens how I will get help. Which friend I'd call to ask their Dad or someone to come help."

I reassured her she is smart and capable and will deal well with whatever comes up. It stuck in my mind she didn't mention XW. That bothers me a bit. I'm still mulling over exactly why it bothers me.

On the practical side, perhaps I need to put a call list on the fridge of people she can call.

g

[Caligirl]

Grok

Even just a close friend who they would call . I think my oldest child has the phone numbers of my besties and would gladly call them .

I feel for you but being the solid parent is just that . The solid parent . My older children do not go to my first H for anything . Nada zip zilch . I never talk about my first marriage , I call it a quickie . Very young . Had two kids and split very quickly . Never even looked back .

You gave good advice and confidence. Kids need that even when they get into adulthood. They are still kids . In my 40s I still call my parents mommy and daddy . If I call my parents home and say “ I need to talk to my father “ my mother will hand over the phone to him and say it sounds serious she asked for her father prepare yourself . Ha !

You are doing great parenting!!!

[grok]

Joy this evening as D18 returns from a gymnastics meet in GA. A long couple of days for her.

Laughter as the kids and I watch "The Little Mermaid" as part of sisters giving S13 a tour through all the Disney movies. As older children now they are VERY critical of the characters. Ariel is criticized as a "stupid 16 year old" and "no wonder her dad tried to keep her at home, she's delusional" and "I don't remember the characters like this from when I first saw it at seven years old" LOL

then, I periodically cycle back to 1 year 11 months ago. Like now when I pay alimony #10 of #18 and Ashes of Eden - Breaking Benjamin is in my playlist. I remember a few posts ago -

Eden has turned to ashes. Wayward Wife, why are you not with me through it all? Is that not the covenant we joined?

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

As older children now they are VERY critical of the characters. Ariel is criticized as a "stupid 16 year old" and "no wonder her dad tried to keep her at home, she's delusional"

Haha. It’s interesting to see one’s children growing into adults, ain’t it.

G, "OK. Though you know you are all capable children and do very well even when I'm not there. What bothers you when I'm not here?"

I’d remove “children” when speaking to daughters about grown up stuff and responsibilities and such. It’s a little gentle steering of them. An almost unnoticeable setting the bar higher. And they like to reach those goals, albeit mostly unwittingly for a few more years.

D19, "I know ... but I'm always worried if something happens how I will get help. Which friend I'd call to ask their Dad or someone to come help."

I reassured her she is smart and capable and will deal well with whatever comes up. It stuck in my mind she didn't mention XW. That bothers me a bit. I'm still mulling over exactly why it bothers me.

On the practical side, perhaps I need to put a call list on the fridge of people she can call.

Having a list of contacts will definitely lessen that worrying.

Years ago, I made a list of emergency numbers and mounted it in a nice frame on the wall by the phone. It has the hospital, fire, my cell number, grandma’s phone, etc, and our address. The address is important, during an emergency it’s surprising how our brains kind of short circuit and we blank.

I also showed/trained my kids on how to shut off a few things around the house, just in case. (I live in rural area, water and sewer is not provided by the town/municipality.)

- The location and operation of the main water valve.

- The electrical panels and the index of the circuit breakers.

- The circuit breaker for the well water pump.

- The circuit breaker for the hot water tank.

- The circuit breaker for the septic pump. Also operation of septic system.

- How to reset/restart the geothermal furnace (heat and air conditioning) if the thermostat gets stuck or mixed up.

- The main circuit breaker of the main electrical panel. (Last resort thing. If there’s a big problem, just shut it off.)

- Hid a spare key outside, in case they lost their’s.

Of course, at this point they knew how to operate the stove/oven, laundry machine, and so on. Even those the dishwasher was somewhat ignored.

And even now - all in their twenties, some married, home owners - it like back then, XW/Mom is not on their list of who’d they reach out to for help.

D

[MamaG]

Haha - 10 of 18! But who's counting? You're seeing the light. Good for you!

[grok]

Haha - 10 of 18! But who's counting? You're seeing the light. Good for you!

Who’s Counting?

Well.... Counting in a sense, though certainly not waiting to live and love life. It is ~25% of my income so counting in the sense of there isn’t lots of disposable spare cash while maintaining a similar level of life the kids are used to. I’m also paying 100% of D18 and S13’s expenses. D19 pays me each month such that I only pay for ~25% of her living expenses.

On the other hand, XW sent back about half of the payments and requested they be put against the car debt I had accepted. So… after the 18 payments are done my cash flow will be markedly more positive. No alimony and the car debt gone.

Making Plans

It’s already earmarked for various things. Supporting D18’s college plans. D19 wants to get a project car and fix it with me. We are considering a Mazda Miata (MX5) since I have experience with those or a Chevy Corvette (Vrooooom Vroooom D19 squeals). A motorcycle for me since it has been 10+ years …. I sold my last one because I couldn’t fit it and all the family $$ and responsibilities both. I lost a little piece of me in that.

leaving expectations behind

XW did not like it when I remarked at mediation that I was unwilling to subsidize her (choices). Internally I had decided only I was willing to do limited alimony so my children could have their teacher and transportation while I have a full-time day job. I know what she was capable of doing/earning. I she had pressed I would have pressed an imputed income claim.

She of course took it in ways not intended so she could be offended. Yeah, all those reasons we are told to drink that STFU smoothie.

I am doing my best to have no expectations of XW and set up my life that way. For my own heart. Thus what you read above.

So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

Farther Along - Josh Garrels

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man dies, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both
We’re all cast-aways in need of rope
Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope
…
There's so much more to life than we’ve been told
It’s full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down to the river and let it run
And wash away all the things you’ve done
Forgiveness, alright

[Chorus]
Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by

g

[grok]

Travel now and then

I sit in the airport this morning, where my posts show I have more time to write, departing for another trip for work again. One day in San Diego. Sounds dumb, but is the least troublesome solution to a contractual requirement of a vendor.

My travel is starting to get routine for my children young adults. I had begged off quite a few trips over the last year. XW’s presence in the home, despite being allowed by our agreement, was … intermittent. And almost two years since the Bomb, I, and they, have created a home with no mom. Routines, duties, expectations….and they are older and wiser from those fast paced teen growth years moving into young adults. DnJ is right. And Caligirl is right. Children and Parents are always such… AND setting my words to reflect my expectations from them as young adults IS appropriate and needed here.

Late in the day, I’m coming back to type some more as I await a second leg. Stuck in Dallas from delayed (X3 flights) and canceled flights (X2 flights) we switched to alternates (airlines claim storms). I think after eight hours in DFW we’ll make our destination about midnight. It turns out that expensive credit card that includes airport lounge access will be worth it. Ha! Food and drink in lounge #1 for a couple hours. A mile stroll in the airport (it is huge) and repeat in lounge #2.

I like DnJ’s thoughts on EPs (Emergency Procedures) and contacts. It’s on my ToDo list. Perhaps I won’t go as far as having the kids memorize Boldface sections. In institutions such as military where life and limb or huge $$ are at risk, Boldface are short action sequences written in that typeface and required to be memorized. When trouble comes you follow the sequence without having to engage a panicked brain.

Movie nights continued

D19 continued the Disney movie sequence with S13 tonight featuring Aladdin. Since I’m not there I think they were up until midnight finishing it and kitchen clean up. … a win is a win right?

In the mean time I got a call from D18 on her way home from gymnastics. She had twisted an ankle as ”I did something dumb Dad. I was showing off a handspring outside. How much Ibuprofen can I take tonight? The coach will kill me if I don’t take care of this.” I relayed advice from my Dad, a retired MD. Though not advice so high as military docs will tell you, -> ”Take 800mg and come see me in the morning if that doesn’t work.”. LOL

G, ”Hey D18, your sister and brother are continuing tonight with Aladdin. You going to critique Jasmine tonight?”

D18, ”Yeaaaahhh … That stupid princess lived in a CASTLE with SERVANTS. She could have done just about anything she wanted.”. And on she ranted. I laughed.

-> I am quite happy to see my young ladies RECOGNIZE the princesses are making emotion based decisions, on what they FEEL in the moment, without considering a larger picture, values, or risks. This capacity will serve them well.

D18, about both Jasmine and Ariel, ”Her dad should have kept her locked up for a while.”.

Hahahahaha.

Recognizing the role of Dad in keeping daughter from doing dumb things….

g

Oh…

And a cover that surprised me in my playlist

Come Undone - My Darkest Days (originally by Duran Duran)

Who do you need,
Who do you love,
When you come undone.
Who do you need,
Who do you love,
When you come undone.

I can't help but keep from falling apart,
At the seams, (who do you need)
I cannot believe you're taking my heart,
To pieces (who do you love)

[MamaG]

G,
I love that you've earmarked payment #19 and beyond to you and your kids. And you have specific plans that you have given thought to. Dreams. Prioritizing you! This makes me smile.

The corvette sounds like a fun car to drive as a young adult. I know as a 19 year old, I would have looked forward to time with dad to 'fix it' and then drive around in it. Checking and adjusting as a team. Great idea and a practical approach. As for the motorcycle, sounds like there's some history there and you are making plans. Happy for you. Oh and college pymts...

Investing in you and your kids. This is how I define joy. Although as Valeska has pointed out, perhaps I've taken my 'investing' too far with adult kids. Mine are less young adults...perhaps even adults.

While you stop in to SD, give my S a big hug from MG. One day sounds silly but I've been where you are and sadly, understand. Traveling does provide for time for self. To think. To live. To enable children to move into adulthood. They'll be better for it....and you're seeing that already based on your posts.

leaving expectations behind

XW did not like it when I remarked at mediation that I was unwilling to subsidize her (choices). Internally I had decided only I was willing to do limited alimony so my children could have their teacher and transportation while I have a full-time day job. I know what she was capable of doing/earning. I she had pressed I would have pressed an imputed income claim.

She of course took it in ways not intended so she could be offended. Yeah, all those reasons we are told to drink that STFU smoothie.

You are a wise man. Reasonable and measured. You know your worth. It took me a bit to get here and the weight on the shoulders has gotten lighter.

Safe travels.

[grok]

Progress

Wow, has it been almost a month since my last post?! The month has been.... a time of consolidating myself. Of focusing inward and being present. Of feeling and contemplating as the two-year mark approached. That night of March 27 that kicked it all off when she said she wanted a separation, that she had "feelings" for another man. I didn't sleep at all that night. I left before anyone was up, drove to a local preserve, then started walking/hiking until after dark the next day.

Of course, at the time I did not know she was MUCH further along down that road or ... as this text editor just suggested to me ... that rabbit hole. I wondered and watched myself for thoughts and feelings that would surface this month. Many have. And then I realized on Saturday the 29th ... that date of terror had passed ... a few days ago.

Ha! I have been busy LIVING. I'll call that a marker of progress.

Discussion at work

Sitting at work, at a coworker's desk so as to log into a network not available at my desk, I was listening to the conversation around me between coworkers I don't' know well. Two men and one woman. Not young and not old since this is a place for skilled and experienced people. It was about relationships, Divorces, etc...

G, "I have learned a lot about these things over the last two years. Things I never expected to need to be smart about. Maybe I should have been growing and learning about these things...

Man 1, "Financially, people take a big hit if you split."
G, "True. I will never catch up on investments. I had been thinking about why that is. If you take a typical professional couple's assets they will fall out something like 30% in the house, 10% cash/savings, 60% investments/retirement. In my divorce 50% is mine and I kept the house and children. So my share is the 30% house, 5% cash, 15% of the investments. With compounding, that 15% investments will never catch up to 60% it was before."

Man 2, "Some men never recover themselves."
G, nods and just thinks. His statement echos what my best man said to me when we reconnected last year. "G, I see so many men get stuck after a divorce. They cannot see that there is more life out there. I'm so glad to see you are working forward."

And it seems to tie in with the red-pill community notion that men are actually the more romantic and idealistic ones ... women the more mercenary. Men often seem to recover much slower than women who seem to move right on to the next man who "conquers" them.

Which lead to a discussion of why and the effects of rampant social media use, the attendant ego inflation because of attention, and I introduced new words - hypergamy and solipsism.

When snooping, I found my XW demonstrated hypergamy with her statement to OM, "I didn't know I could attract someone like you. I should have had higher standards before.". That pierced. Even when I know for our first two years together, she was a mess, emotionally and otherwise. I spent the time as her rock and she stabilized.

The latter concept illustrated by the story of how Legos eventually was successful at selling products for little girls. It had to do with when little boys played a character, some Lego minifig, The LITTLE BOY took on the CHARACTER'S TRAITS. When little girls play a character, some Lego minifig, The CHARACTER takes on the little GIRL'S TRAITS.

Also illustrated by a meme making the rounds. A man and a woman take a picture of some scene of interest. The man's picture is of the scene only. The woman's picture is of her, with the scene in the background. Both consider it a picture of the scene. For her, the scene is only important in the relationship to her or the status it gives her. For the man, the scene is interesting in and of itself.

The female co-worker is nodding her head to this.

Continued DB reading

The latest...thread series by ScottB - WAW Hired a Divorce Coach.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=41304

I'm not finished yet. Many strong advisors in this series - LH19, Ginger1, SteveLW, Traveler, Ready2Change, Steve85, Sandi2, bttrfly, ... And many more.

There are also great linked threads such as "WAS Script" which is about the script elements and how to respond, often counterintuitively, to those elements.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=47502&Number=2059950#Post2059950

Tomorrow?

Too many posts built up in my head. Preview tomorrow's headings: "Days filled" and "Gym meet. Alt title - XW uses washer and dryer"

g


Can't forget the tune for the day -

Can't reach you - Yogi Lang

A song in the theme of the LBS. By an artist that sounds remarkably like the guitar sound of David Gilmour of Pink Floyd fame.

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

And then I realized on Saturday the 29th ... that date of terror had passed ... a few days ago.

Ha! I have been busy LIVING. I'll call that a marker of progress.

Yes, definitely positive progress.

I’m glad the day passed smoothly and beneath notice. Such a present day accomplishment was likely unfathomable two years ago. Ah, time. That precious gift.

Well done my friend. Continue moving forward g.

D

[grok]

Well, the previous sub-topics will have to wait another day. I've been thinking and feeling and connecting

I’m glad the day passed smoothly and beneath notice. Such a present day accomplishment was likely unfathomable two years ago. Ah, time. That precious gift.

with something my mom sent me the other day.

Thinking of grief, of our own and especially dear ones…
Jim Carrey is believed to have said: “Grief is not just an emotion—it’s an unraveling, a space where something once lived but is now gone. It carves through you, leaving a hollow ache where love once resided.”

In the beginning, it feels unbearable, like a wound that will never close. But over time, the raw edges begin to mend. The pain softens, but the imprint remains—a quiet reminder of what once was. The truth is, you never truly "move on." You move with it. The love you had does not disappear; it transforms. It lingers in the echoes of laughter, in the warmth of old memories, in the silent moments where you still reach for what is no longer there. And that’s okay.

Grief is not a burden to be hidden. It is not a weakness to be ashamed of. It is the deepest proof that love existed, that something beautiful once touched your life. So let yourself feel it. Let yourself mourn. Let yourself remember.

There is no timeline, no “right” way to grieve. Some days will be heavy, and some will feel lighter. Some moments will bring unexpected waves of sadness, while others will fill you with gratitude for the love you were lucky enough to experience.

Honor your grief, for it is sacred. It is a testament to the depth of your heart. And in time, through the pain, you will find a degree of healing—not because you have forgotten, but because you have learned how to carry both love and loss together.
(Attempted to find the author, but at this point, anonymous)
💕

In reading this I remembered and cycled back through two years of emotions. couldn't breath. couldn't see. couldn't hear. and then the world faded back into being.

G in response, This is ... True. I think. The nearness for me ...means I have a hard time responding. Perhaps in small doses. I have waked the narrow path between falling into Jade, hard as can be or on the other side into nothingness. It is no longer a knifes edge but I feel it still.

I connect this also to the thread of thought that men often express love through commitment and sacrifice of parts of themselves. Some authors expressed it akin to cutting off an arm or a leg. Now ... It feels like I am missing an arm or leg. that place where a wife once was connected is partly healed over. a tender wound. a place where I was once a larger whole. yet like phantom limb syndrome, I have "the silent moments where you still reach for what is no longer there."

For readers who have not guessed by now, I don't move very fast emotionally. Both toward and away I move in ways that tend to the permanent or long term. With that in mind, "he truth is, you never truly "move on." You move with it." seems to describe me.

In that sense I "find a degree of healing—not because you have forgotten, but because you have learned how to carry both love and loss together."

Holding on to FAITH. For carrying both .... well, you all know.

"Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken" Psalm 55:22

For HE is older than the sun.

Older Than The Sun - Colorvault

You’re always to remember
I’m older than the sun
I’m stronger than your foes
He had to let you go
For him who I am

(I’m older than the sun)
(I’m older than the sun)
And you’re my loved

g

[grok]

I always start with a short outline... And end up telling a story.

I started to type this out a week and a half ago on a Sunday night after collapsing tired and realizing there was not a bit of spare time in the day. What had I done all day? What daily life have I created for me/us? What have I been doing over the last year plus?

Part of pulling back for a month of consolidation was looking back. It can be hard to see the bigger picture and progress when you are head down and hurting.

Bigger changes in the last year and a half

I worked with all three children to reset their bedrooms...from children's rooms to young adult rooms. paint on walls, new desks and cabinets, new closet arrangements, new decorations, etc...

The laundry room has a new washer and dryer stacked along with laundry storage to keep it out of other spots.

I have an open floor plan downstairs with a playroom/familyroom side. This last month we reset the space to be open again while keeping common desks and the giant project table (Ikea hack - made of four solid wood desktops (55"x28") laid on top of four cubby style shelves on their sides (Kallax)). The dogs love it to race around in and the children have taken to laying on the floor there. The red velvet couch (I had found it used, specifically to tickle XWs fancy) is under the big bay window now.

The tiny back yard is now fully chicken and garden space. This last couple have months has seen the two remaining chickens start laying every day. Delicious fresh eggs!

I drive a small truck now instead of the sporty cars and motorcycles I have always had. It fits all four of us and stuff for home and outings to beach or biking. Utility has its own attractions... And I can laugh and drive over curbs now. Kids just roll their eyes.

I have created stability and routines at home where my children have found a safe place to stay with apparently no desire to live with mom.

My own internal changes? Well, that is a bigger story on its own. Short version - working on living a confident life for my own purposes. HT to Mach1 in my first thread:

As I think about it , what comes to mind is....

"Beware The Ides of March....."

I see a strong, capable, confident man taking the wheel and steering the ship....

What I also see....

Is a strong, capable man taking the wheel and steering the ship....

Be careful Grok....on which shoulder wins...

Days Filled

On the smaller scale, I find my days filled.

Up at dawn to take big dog for our mile plus walk. I need it as much as the dog does LOL.

Then it is making the breakfast for us four. Fried and scrambled eggs (fresh from D18's chickens), bacon, spicy chicken sausage bits, and on...

It is a potluck day at church, and I meant to make a blueberry pie. I confirm I would have had to start it the day before though. Not enough time. OK then. Plan 2, I'll make the Carroll Shelby Texas Chilli mix.... and then find I only have 1.3 lbs ground beef left in the freezer. I will not be stopped or disturbed. Backup to the backup plan is Tripple Chocolate Brownie mix. I HAVE all the ingredients, and it doesn't take long. HA!

About the time I put it in the oven, D19 is first down the stairs.

D19, "Dad, do I haaave to go to church today? I wanted to hang out with N. I haven't see her much in months. And she has something at 4pm. And we wanted to go down to the outlet mall. And there isn't enough time if I go after church. And ... And..."

G, "D19, you are an adult now. If a young one. You will have to decide this for yourself. You know the reasons why we go and what our commitments are. We can talk about all of it. You will also have to decide and try it out each time. You won't know for YOURSELF what is right until you make choices and consider them afterwards. I won't be disappointed or angry for either choice.". We discussed for a bit and she decided to visit with the friend this time. And to think about it.

Off I went with S13 and D18 to church. After helping S13 find his shoes again (barefoot is his usual mode). I had an interesting time expanding on the sermon by putting the outline elements along with verses into a modern AI system and asking it to expand using respected Bible commentary. The results were fascinating and useful.

The brownies were reasonably popular at potluck. S13 ate plain noodles.... Sigh. A work in progress. D18 was using Instagram and saw a post about a local u-pick place. "Dad, Dad! Can we go?". I said sure, just make sure they are open. ... And off we went to pick a ½ flat of fresh strawberries, 1 large purple onion, and flowers (Chocolate Sunflower, Snap Dragon, Zinnia, and Statice) for $10. Winning!

Arriving home meant washing and eating strawberries, flowers in a vase, and a short NAP.

It didn't take long before I was up though. There is so much to do. -> G, get a move on ... You are IT now. I headed out to the back yard to start the disassembly of the large rotting play/swing set. D18 comes out shortly after asking if I want help. Of course I do! Though I think it might have to with wanting to use the sledgehammer to knock it apart... This has needed doing for two years, but I have kept in mind some early words that D18 said to me, "Dad, don't change things too fast. It's too much.". Wise child.

D19 shows up and says, "we have to go now! Grocery shopping! Store is closing!". It turns out she is right. A quick shower to wash off all the dirt and debris and off we go. It takes about an hour and a half, but we get the weeks supplies. We'll start cooking when we get home. D18 and S13 have the job of picking up around the house while we are out.

While she starts the cooking, I take to wet-vacuuming the landing of our stairs. Little dog had taken to peeing there when no one was looking during the day. grrrrr.... and then on to cooking also. Ds refuse to touch or make meat products...only to eat them, LOL. Chicken and ground beef for a casserole, chicken wraps, Chili, a salad, and on. After we are done, cooking and storing, I fill the dishwasher and have the children do 30 dishes each.

Almost bed time and time to walk the dogs, put chickens in their little barn.... XW shows up at the curb to say goodnight to children. Since late January, she has been pretty consistent about this. She messages them, not me, when she arrives and usually D19 herds the other two out the door.

Whew! So tired. Didn't get to driving practice with D18 or doing taxes with Ds or RC car with S13 or .... Still, this was a good day full of life.

Looking back at the last couple of days and the last two years as I lay in bed at almost 11 after herding everyone upstairs - listening to

My Lord Provided - Coquí

Are you feeling alone, scared of leaving the room?
Disappointed, and angry, and feeling confused?
Are you weak in your faith 'cause you can't take the truth?
Or did someone's hypocrisy make for excuse?

When the weight of the world seems to pull you behind
And your thoughts overgrow, flooding all through your mind
Does it scare you to think that you're not in control?
What if I told you just how to let it all go?
...
Oh, I'm grateful for the day
When I decided to pray
Gave all my worries away
My Lord provided the way

g


P.S. Still working on writing "Gym meets and XW uses washing machine"

[grok]

intermezzo - was it me?

As I finished up ScottB's threads, I connected comments found there with my occasional and re-occurring thoughts of self-blame.

Wrestling with "difference between "not doing anything wrong", which is never the case because no one is perfect, and "not being the one ultimately responsible" (I.e., "it's not about "you")

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2922951#Post2922951

In regards to the former we have all made mistakes, acted poorly, could've handled situations differently. This is the case for both the LBSs and the WAWs! To that point, it's healthy to reflect on where you could've done better, work on self improvement, and correct those behaviors in the future. That process will make you a better man.

However, in regards to the latter, unless you had major issues (physical abuse, drug addiction, gambling problems...etc.) there's a good chance that ultimately it is not "about you" and your ExW has deeper issues preventing her from being willing to work on the issues, leading her to an affair to get the quick fix of feeling better about herself, and putting a band aid on her pain. I've heard the "it's not about you" from IC, family, and others on this board and while it's something I go back and forth on at times, ultimately I think they're right.

Point is...YES, absolutely reflect on how you can do better in the future, but NO, do not let the "what could I have done better / how could I have fixed this" allow you to put the full burden of the divorce on your back. Thornton, LH, and SteveLW are right when they say 1) you were willing to work on marriage whereas she was not, 2) it's possible (even likely) that is is about her and not you, and 3) she could've strayed even if you were the perfect husband.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2932058#Post2932058

intermezzo - to live in the light

The Songs of Distant Earth is by Mike Oldfield, released on 21 November 1994. It is a concept album based on the 1986 science fiction novel The Songs of Distant Earth by Arthur C. Clarke... based upon his 1958 short story of the same title. The story is set in the 39th century and depicts the journey of the spaceship Magellan as it carries a large group of colonists in suspended animation to a distant planet after Earth's sun goes nova. En route, it has to stop for repairs at the planet Thalassa, which was colonised 700 years earlier but the colonists there lost contact with Earth for the past couple of centuries. The story delves into the cultural and emotional impact of the distant Earth’s demise on both sets of colonists, and how humans from two different worlds and societies interact with each other.

The novel explores apocalyptic, atheistic, and utopian ideas, as well as the effects of long-term interstellar travel, high technology, and extra-terrestrial life. Additional themes include human survival, adaptation, and the challenges of starting anew on an alien world.

Let There be Light - Mike Oldfield from The Songs Of Distant Earth

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
And the earth was without form, and void;
and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
And God said,
Let there be light
and there was light.
And God saw the light,
that it was good.

Burning...
Melting...
Dissolving...

Animus. Fultus. Salus.

...and God said
Let there be Light

g



***The first part is an extract spoken by Lunar Module Pilot Wiiliam Anders, from the Apollo 8 crew live television broadcast, made when the first manned mission to the moon entered lunar orbit on Christmas Eve, December 24th, 1968.

... to reflect on the nature of light, both literally and metaphorically, as a symbol of hope and knowledge... words like "Burning," "Melting," and "Dissolving," as capturing the process of change and transformation... evoke sensations and imagery that imply an intense, even chaotic, experience... "Animus" refers to the spirit or soul, "Fultus" suggests support or sustenance, and "Salus" is associated with health and well-being. Together, they suggest that the essence of life and its many facets hang in a delicate balance, waiting for an illumination that can guide them.***

[Valeska19]

intermezzo - was it me?

As I finished up ScottB's threads, I connected comments found there with my occasional and re-occurring thoughts of self-blame.

Wrestling with "difference between "not doing anything wrong", which is never the case because no one is perfect, and "not being the one ultimately responsible" (I.e., "it's not about "you")

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2922951#Post2922951

In regards to the former we have all made mistakes, acted poorly, could've handled situations differently. This is the case for both the LBSs and the WAWs! To that point, it's healthy to reflect on where you could've done better, work on self improvement, and correct those behaviors in the future. That process will make you a better man.

However, in regards to the latter, unless you had major issues (physical abuse, drug addiction, gambling problems...etc.) there's a good chance that ultimately it is not "about you" and your ExW has deeper issues preventing her from being willing to work on the issues, leading her to an affair to get the quick fix of feeling better about herself, and putting a band aid on her pain. I've heard the "it's not about you" from IC, family, and others on this board and while it's something I go back and forth on at times, ultimately I think they're right.

Point is...YES, absolutely reflect on how you can do better in the future, but NO, do not let the "what could I have done better / how could I have fixed this" allow you to put the full burden of the divorce on your back. Thornton, LH, and SteveLW are right when they say 1) you were willing to work on marriage whereas she was not, 2) it's possible (even likely) that is is about her and not you, and 3) she could've strayed even if you were the perfect husband.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2932058#Post2932058

Not to go too much against Scottie B and BL42 because I have agreed with them many times.

I agree that the mere choice of an affair as a coping mechanism is not about you. It's theirs.

However to say you did not play a part in the story or perhaps aren't the cause of that pain... I'm not so sure.

Lots of evidence out there suggest affairs are symptoms of a marriage breakdown in many cases.

Also let's be honest... there were problems well before the affair happened. Now was the LBS in tune with it or not - matters. Perhaps they didn't see it as a problem. Perhaps they didn't acknowledge how big of a problem it was.

Perhaps being willing to work on the marriage - now when on the brink of losing it (or lost it) is too late.

And finally - no one is perfect.

No one should take all the blame... but most in this world don't take the appropriate amount either.

Emotional intelligence and awareness is a skill learned... unfortunately not one taught to us in school.

P.S. Keep up the good work G. You speak firm yet kind about your XW in all of this. High roads are harder but never regrettable.

[Valeska19]

And just to clarify - when I use the word "You" - I don't mean you personally. I mean you as the LBS in the situation.

[grok]

Thanks V, and... I don't exempt myself from the issues described that the LBS often has. The "you" does apply to me also. Devil is in the details for my sitch. Lots of provoked thoughts...maybe time to type another day.

spring XW interactions - pt 1

So.... My impression is since mid-January my XW has done some sort of reset of herself. Around that time she sent me a message stating how she would now pick up S13 every weekday a 9:00 and take him to her workshop for his schooling. Along with a number of other declarative statements. Has she? well.... Not exactly ... But she has picked him up most weekdays for some hours. S13 has definitely been grumpier about having to do school work in a no distraction environment...LOL. Her stopping by at the curb to say goodnight to our young ones has gotten more regular also.

Our communication is limited. I have remained pretty dark. I think for my own sake. When we have messaged or talked, she seems to assume know a lot more about what is going on in her life than I do. I have not looked for information at all about what she is doing. I do not ask the kids about her either. I listen if they want to say anything.

Gym meets and XW uses washing machine

I a fit of irritation a year plus ago I renamed the family text chat group to "Child Coordination" instead of "Family," and I've left it that way ever since. The irritation was driven by how I felt about her coming back from the state mandated parenting class and happily spouting the idea presented that, "Oh, we are still a family, just one with two homes and living separately."

Last month XW messaged the group, "I can't take her to the upcoming meet. Someone else will have to." and left it at that. To these type missives, I will reply "OK" or D19 will hit it with a thumbs up. D19 and I have an understanding that she and I will work out how to take care of whatever it is. In this case I'll drive and D19 will help do D18's hair. D19 has other obligations but will drive down late with a friend. XW has completely stopped doing D18's meet hair (She had done it for 10+ years...) I don't know if that was by D18's choice or XW's choice.

I look up the meet info and find it is about a two-hour drive south of us. D18's group starts at ~6pm ... So it will be a late night.
G, "Hey S13, you are coming with us to D18's gymnastics meet. We'll be back late Saturday night."
S13, "Daaaaad, do I have to?" yes, he has to. no sitting home along on the computer for eight hours while we are gone....
G, "S13, I trust you here alone and you would be OK, but I don't want you here by yourself."

While at the meet I receive in the group chat a message from XW. "Would you like me to let the dogs out since you will be back late?"

Hmmmm.... I pondered a response for a few minutes. Where had this come from? I replied, "Yes, the dogs will appreciate not having to wait past their normal time."

A short time later my phone alerts. The thumbnail shows XW arriving. I don't think anything of it. Doorbell alerts continue and I figure dogs are getting a short walk. Then....20 minutes go by and another alert. I'm a little curious thinking it might be an Amazon delivery or something. When I look...it is XW leaving. ??? What then was that 20 minute gap? I scroll back through the alerts and my eye catches something at the beginning. That looks like XW carrying in a laundry basket. Huh. Was she loading laundry during that gap?

So I wait. Sure enough ... About an hour and a half later I get another alert. I see it is XW. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Not really offended. A little bit amused. I check the indoor cameras. She is not downstairs. She has not entered the MB. The light is on beside the upstairs laundry room. After 10 minutes she leaves again. ... and back again in another hour apparently to pick up the dry laundry.

Huh. ...

D18 takes 2nd overall at her level. Well done!

We make it home before midnight.
....
I take D18 to the meet the next weekend also. Surprise! 2.5 hrs north instead of south this time. D18 was sad and dealing with worse performance. She didn't make regionals because of this meet. She questioned what all her effort was for and I tried to listen and validate.

Sometimes it feels like the sound of winter blowing through me.

The Sound of Winter - Bush on the album The Sea of Memories

Mind strong, body strong
Try to find equilibrium
Head straight, screwed on
We screwed up for too long
I don't want to lean on the waves
I watched the storm evaporate
I think of you and starry skies
That keeps you so alive

It's all in your face
I see a break
It's like the sound of winter
The bleeding of love
The silent escape
You've got to hang on to yourself
It's like the sound of winter


g

[grok]

spring XW interactions - pt - this morning

Well, I was going to make sequential posts but... This morning was odd.

I was out the front door a little late to walk big dog before dawn at 6a and I noticed a vehicle at the end of our street a few houses down with headlights on. I squint and yep, that is XW's vehicle. ??? No reason to be here I know of. I walk the dog a mile plus. She is still there when I get back and D19 is departing for work. I depart for work at 6:55a and see she is still there but headlights are off. I'm curious now. When I get to work I check the security cameras. XW pulled into the driveway and parked about 20 minutes after I left. She then proceeded inside. S13 and D18 were still asleep.

I check the inside cameras.

XW is curled up on the comfy couch in the living room.

It looks like she is sleeping.

after all, that is where I put the new spring cozy throw blanket with bunnies and flowers...

(I saw a group chat message later that said "We need to leave for your senior thesis around 8 am. I am going to sleep for an hour outside the house so I won’t waste travel time.")

..... Background yesterday .....

Yesterday was the homeschool coop day of the week. I expected S13 and D18 to be dropped off at home as usual and their coop end of year/graduation ceremony starts at 6p. Instead XW picks up S13 and D18 afterwards and goes to D18's gymnastics. I only know because I check their location ... Since when I get home they are not there. D19 arrives home and there is ~30 minutes until we have to depart for the ceremony.

D19 and I look at each other, shrug and get ready, and depart so as to be there 15 minutes early. We are both thinking since there has been no communications otherwise, and she is currently transporting them, XW will be taking S13 and D18 to the event. Twenty minutes later, down the road with D19, I get a call from S13 asking where I was and when I was picking up S13 and D18. $%@#$%@#$^# I hear D18 in the background, panicky, "He didn't know. No one told Daddy... We'll call mom to come back to get us."

It turns out D18 had not been able to get anyone to cover her work shift at the gym. She did get XW to come back and transport them to the event. She was on time for her part. S13 missed half of his on-stage time. I remained polite but dark as she sat at our table. I gave the benediction -

Almighty God of heaven and of earth,

Today we celebrate our remarkable graduates

We have watched as they pursued wisdom, virtue, and knowledge with diligence and grace.

We thank You for their families, teachers, friends and the wider community who guided them with love and commitment.

As they stand at this this new beginning,
we ask Your blessings upon them.

Grant them courage as they walk into their future,

Grant them discernment in seeking truth,
and grant them compassion for others along the way.

May their hearts and minds be anchored in Your love so their lives are a reflection of you.

Guide their steps, Lord, as they carry your light into the world. May they be a blessing to others, as You have so blessed them.

In Your name, this we pray,

Amen.


Staying out of the gutter ... by letting go fear

Gutter - Lunatic Soul

in the shadow of my grief
I can hear whispered sounds
feel a cold breath on my skin
here they come
to assert their rights

the fear is what I need, what I need to believe
the fear is what I need, what I need to feel

and so i dragged myself
int this gutter of mine
where shades of prey
feed on my soul

g

Side story - I departed the event with S13, D18, and D19. When we got home the front door was wide open. Shock to all of us. Not sure who left it open and unlocked. Inside smelled bad. ... Big dog had throw up and diarrhea in his crate. Little dog had throw up in her crate. Both did more of the same when we took them for their night walk. Best guess is they were panicked about the open door and sounds. Late night crate cleaning and wet vacuuming. Then finalizing tax extensions also. So tired.

[Valeska19]

Are you okay with your wife coming into your house when you're away? (I knew there was an arrangement when you travel). Are you okay with her using your laundry and sleeping on your couch?

Why didn't you text your kids or your XW when they weren't home when you thought they would be. Seems like you needed to go a little further than just checking their location. Not a hard text to confirm with her right?

So what's the status with D19? Is she just working or thinking about college? I'm sure you see this but she is overcompensating and acting as a second mother. How are you actively combating this whilst gentle guiding her to be doing what typical 19 year olds should be?

[grok]

OUCH - a biking side story

just go

Well, here I was yesterday, all tired after work and needing a nap ... composing my thoughts around V's posts ... but thinking of taking my bike out to the trails, and D19 saying GO DO IT... It has been many months now as I have been letting my elbows heal up. Something like "tennis elbow." Doc gave me pain meds and said I had to stop for a while and heal.

She's right. an hour on the trail will be good mentally and physically. Live life in the present. I've got an hour on the trails before sunset. I decide I'll go medium effort though. Give myself time to get back into it.

About twenty minutes in I decide to go on a harder technical branch ... I'm taking it slow. The trail is steep down hill. and come up to a almost vertical 2.5 ft drop. OK. No big deal. I'll just ride both brakes and mosey over at under 5 mph. The trail following the drop has scattered paver stones placed by maintainers to deal with erosion. and just as I go over I notice

a fist sized loose rock

right where my front wheel will hit at the bottom

Oh S#$$

Yep, my front wheel twists and I go right over, forwards, over the handle bars, with my face heading towards those paver stones. A split second decision to let go and put my gloved hands forwards, tuck my chin down so my helmet hits and not my face. BANG. OUCH.

Emergency chemicals screaming in my bloodstream, I roll over and sit up. Triage. Knees hurt and bleeding, looks like scrapes and minor cuts. Hands hurt but have gloves on. Face hurts at the bridge of my nose and BLOOD streaming off my face. Ohh. It's coming from the bridge of my nose. I grab my water bottle and wash my face off. Bleeding slows. I take a selfie. LOL, that feels silly but I need to see what my nose looks like. It seems to be a cut across the bridge of my nose. Bleeding mostly stopped now.

Pause. Inventory myself. Nothing imediatly threatening. Wash off some more. Can I still ride the rest of my route? Maybe. I give it a minute and decide I should head back slowly. I got banged pretty good. Need to wash the cuts and disinfect. I can ride again another day. I'm still not sure how deep that cut across the bridge of my nose is.... hmmmm.

How did I get cut there anyway? I didn't hit the pavers there. I look at my helmet where I hit. Oh. Where is the visor? I hadn't realized but it was a clip on... It had popped off when I hit. And the edge of it went straight into the bridge of my nose. Ugh! REALLY?!!? *sigh*

Alrighty. I walk up the hill and get on to ride back gently. Let me do the 15 minute ride to the truck and 25 minutes back home before the false energy wears off. Or so I thought.

OK then....

I feel pretty creaky loading the truck. Yep going to feel this later. And then half way home I start feeling it NOW... but add in some nausea... and then some feeling faint... and then some vision diming. #$^#$%^$ those are potential signs of deeper injury like concussion. And it would be very bad to pass out while driving. hey phone, where is the nearest Urgent Care location?" Five minutes later I stop in to get checked.

Urgent Care, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do any injuries above the neck here. None of the Urgent Care places do. The cut on your nose does look deep though. I think it does need someone to check it out."
...
...
OK then
...
...

ER has cute nurses

There is a full hospital with an Emergency Room just two miles down the road. I consider driving myself but decide that is a dumb risk. And I need someone to secure my multi-thousand dollar bike. I call D19. One sentance in, "I'm coming to drive you Dad. I'll take care of your bike. Don't you try driving. That's not safe right now." Quick comprehension and decision making...she make a Dad proud.

She drops me off at the ER front door and heads home with the bike. I spend the next couple hours under the care of a pair of cute nurses and a personable doctor. Hand and knee X-rays and a quick CT head scan makes sure I have no concussion or broken bits beyond skin. The nose? Three stiches on the bridge of my nose. No more of the nausea or feeling like I will pass out...though the energy is all gone and I feel beat down now.

Doc, "If you are feeling pain I can give you some good stuff." Hydrocodone did ... and is right now taking the edge off. attribute any stylistic differences to that, as I'm under it's influence.

My three

D19 picks me up from the ER, "Dad we got the dogs walked, S13 is getting ready for bed, we got everything done tonight. Go crash out."

D18, "Duuuuude, with that bruise on your forehead you look like Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender!"

S13, "I don't' want to see. Why would I want to see that?"

Ha. Love those three different young personalities.

D19 as she leaves tonight for an overnight at a friends and then the amusement park tomorrow, "Dad. Seriously. Don't get injured tomorrow. I'll of course come get you if you need help, but I want to spend the whole day at the park with my friend."

Insane feat. Moon Holiday - Flume

You don′t have to be afraid
You don't even have to be brave
Living in a gilded cage
The only risk is that you′ll go

Go, go insane
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, go
Go, go, insane

g

- obviously not living in a gilded cage

- actual DB thoughts...maybe tomorrow...

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Good thing it was a slow speed crash. And what a fluke, the visor coming off and cutting into the bridge of your nose. That’s not how safety equipment supposed to work. lol.

Glad you’re ok g.

D

[grok]

Thanks DnJ, 
Still pains and bruises in knees, palms, and mild headaches.  The helmet did do its job though.  It has a pretty good scrape where it covered my forehead.  Prescription pain meds is good stuff too.  I’ve been at half speed for a few days….



V,
My days are full…one way or another!  Instead of trying to put it all down, I’ll just start working backwards… since last night there was a minor blowup that applies…

So what's the status with D19? Is she just working or thinking about college? I'm sure you see this but she is overcompensating and acting as a second mother. How are you actively combating this whilst gentle guiding her to be doing what typical 19 year olds should be?

about D19 -> D20!

First… Happy Birthday to D19!  She turned 20 on Easter.  I, S13 and D18 made a little family party for her.  Decorations, cake, presents….   XW texted them in the afternoon and took them out to Texas Roadhouse for a birthday dinner.

D20 isn’t all that academic and wasn’t interested in college upon HS graduation.  She did not complete the pre-requites for a college track.  She has been working full time since then with child/after school care and swim lessons.  (Side note: the place she works is owned/run by a woman and her two sons.  OM is one of those sons...)  She worked hard and got all her state certifications required for both skills.  Her side gig is babysitting from all the recommendations she gets through her day job.  

As a full time working young adult, she pays me each month household for expenses I itemize for her (water, electric, rent, etc…).  This is about 2/3 or 3/4 of the actual costs but it is a step towards launching ... owning and being responsible for her life herself.

In the last six months she has expressed a desire to earn more, explored the idea of moving in with a friend and a shared apartment, and talked about a degree she might like to pursue.  I responded to each by saying I would be happy to help her accomplish them.  To walk her through what each would take …

For her, I control minimally other than household standards and requiring the shared chores get done.  She does go out with friends, spends overnights, has friends over, ... her bedroom is her own space and so on.  I try to treat her as the young adult she is.  Guiding, not telling.

sisters minor blow up... and mom

Tonight I arrived home at 9:30p with D18 (trivia night at the pub and pick up D18 from gymnastics) to find XW’s vehicle in the driveway.  XW apparently inside and upstairs with D20 and S13.  D18 heads upstairs and I stay downstairs to finish some evening chores and finish chopping / putting away watermelon.  I hear a lot of excited voices upstairs.  Emotions seem to run hotter when XW is in the home.  I call upstairs to D18 that it is her night to walk the dogs with me.   One of our daily routines.

Several minutes later I hear excited voices... then D18 shouting with emotion and some anger... then a slammed door.  Hers I think.  More voices.  Heavy footsteps.  Sounds like XW going to the front door...then back... But now I also hear what sounds like the dog leashes.  ???

Then I hear D20 come down the stairs... insistent and stressed, "What are you doing? "

XW emotional and maybe angry, something like, "taking the dogs out.  ....  **something** calming down"

D20, "That's not how this works mom.  We have our routines!  That's not how ANY OF THIS WORKS!"

XW, emotional, "I'm not doing this.  I'm LEAVING!"

And she does with a huff and hard door close.

the rest of the story

D20 comes into the kitchen where I had just finished cutting up the watermelon, Dad, I'm walking the dogs with you tonight.  Lets go. "

I know we'll talk while walking.  This has been one of our routines.  Each in nightly rotation has dog walking time to say whatever they want away from their siblings.  I go upstairs to get my shoes and knock on D18's door, "D18, I'm going to walk the dogs now with D20.  Do you want a hug first?"  

I instruct S13 and then leave with D20 and dogs...  after being squeezed tight and tears left on my shirt by D18.   Barely out the door and D20,

OK, Dad, here's what happened...
D18 and I misunderstood each other the other night when she walked instead of me
I thought it was for my birthday as a present
She thought we were exchanging days
When you called for her, she came into my room insisting that it was my night
I got flustered and emotional 
and I could tell I needed to calm down 
so I asked her to leave first so I could calm down
She wouldn't leave 
and I asked her like twenty times
I remember you told us our own rooms were OUR space 
and we could tell our siblings to leave and they had to, right?"

G, "Yes D20, that is true.  I'll talk to D18 about it."

"Well, I couldn't answer D18 because I was all emotional,
but I kept my cool this time,
I managed myself!

And then Mom stepped in 
and told D18 to "come here right now" 
and pointed at the floor in front of her 
and told her to "calm down"

THAT never works
and didn't
and she is treating us like we are 12
and that is when she came downstairs 
and tried to walk the dogs

G, "Well, your mother might have been trying to do something nice for you.  ... and there are memes about women being told to "just calm down"...  LOL"

Yeah, well, it NEVER WORKS.  
And this is OUR space not hers
We have OUR routines 
If she wants to do something nice she should go get us Starbucks or something.

G, "Yes, this is our space now.  Our home.  I appreciate your help in making it OUR home.  You've helped with many of the things your mother used to do.  I don't want you to take over her roles though.  You are the big sister."

I know Dad.  That IS how I try to do things.  As big sister."

She does try to fit into a role of young adult participation in a household.  She does try to keep it to big sister.  Though she didn't start out that way...  and we have talked about this before.  

g

Sometimes I feel like skin and bones.

Skin and bones - Switchfoot

The wasteland is mine, mine alone
The desert comes alive when no one's home
Apocalyptic skies burning gold
I walk these empty miles, I can't find a soul
...
In my mind I'm miles away
I'm miles away

[Caligirl]

Grok

I have to say I always crack up at your posts . I have been debating buying a new bike while I’ve been into this fitness thing . You have single handedly shattered my dream . I fell playing kick ball at a company event about 2 years ago . I got up and remember saying to myself wow the ground is hard and how did I even get here . Ha ha ha

ER nurses are cute I was dying laughing - just a word of advice . Nurses are cute . They will love on you hard and fix you up but we also like alcohol, travel a lot and calculate our spending by extra shifts we agree to pick up and then regret later . A bit mentally unstable too . Stay far away !!! I gave up working on a floor few years back . Pandemic wrecked me emotionally . Took me few years to get my love for it back and a slower pace job . I do miss bedside reason I went back to school , just want to do it in a different capacity.

Love you are walking with the kids and the pup . I do this as well . It’s nice to get out and about .

[grok]

I have been debating buying a new bike while I’ve been into this fitness thing . You have single handedly shattered my dream .

OH NO! Hey bkerchik, Maybe you would be a better one to tell Caligirl bikes are great fun and very safe. Great for fitness...especially with joints that are not those of a 20 yr old. Ha.

IER nurses are cute I was dying laughing - just a word of advice . Nurses are cute . ... A bit mentally unstable too . Stay far away !!!

**wry smile** I have heard this warning before ... in mens forums. This Is Known. For me, I was just enjoying practice drawing out a conversation with the ladies. and noticing cute. Since, well, for 25 years in my dedication staying married to XW I had substantially turned off that part of me.

Are you okay with your wife coming into your house when you're away? (I knew there was an arrangement when you travel). Are you okay with her using your laundry and sleeping on your couch?

I feel parts minorly offended because… who does this? LOL I feel parts bemused… who does this? LOL They have been anomalies in her overall behavior of generally staying out of the house or using its facilities.

I …. Made peace with it to a great degree back when I accepted XW’s access to the house as part of our settlement. This was an implicit trade I made to ensure the children stayed together in their home. Initially, two years ago, in addition to being able to stay in the house when I traveled for work, she proposed to use the house during the weekdays when I wasn’t there to complete schooling of the younger two. And she had no place for them to live with her. I accepted this access for schooling purposes, … and so the kids had some time with their mother.

I could have taken a harder line and come to a more traditional split the kids scenario agreement. I chose to accept her proposed "temporary" solution... I could see ahead how this would likely play out in the long run. And sure enough, two years later, they all still live 100% with me, together. This I chose for me and for them.

XW....I'm sure she has her own reasons. I don't worry about them. Some may look at this as enabling "cake eating" on her part. She doesn't pay for them, house them, or even mostly parent them (from my view). Shrug. When I chose to have children, MY vow was to care for them and launch them successfully. It wasn't conditional on XW's behavior or presence or funding.

Why didn't you text your kids or your XW when they weren't home when you thought they would be. Seems like you needed to go a little further than just checking their location. Not a hard text to confirm with her right?

You are right. I could have texted to confirm. It didn't occur to me that it would be needed. Perhaps this is based on patterns from married life and I need to drop hidden expectations and assumptions. Why didn't it occur to me?...

To enable the custody arrangement above, I agreed that XW had access to children pretty much whenever she wanted so long as there wasn't something else already planned. To me this can mean considerable variance in when they arrive home. If they are with her, that is OK, unless we had agreed on a specific time that day. We didn't have any agreed on time that day... So when departure time arrived and they were still with XW, both I and D20 independently assumed she would bring them with her. After all, why would she drop them off when we were all going to the same place?

g

Recover - Subsets

... ambient, chillout, and downtempo style

... ethereal soundscapes, soft piano melodies, and subtle electronic beats

the cover depicts a small, solitary sapling with sparse leaves growing in a barren, rocky landscape. The ground is a mix of dark soil and scattered rocks, with patches of faint, pale grass or moss. In the background, a blurred, rolling hill or mountain is visible under a muted sky with soft gradients of light blue and gray, suggesting an overcast or early morning setting. The overall tone is desaturated and somber, evoking themes of resilience and growth in a harsh environment, which aligns with the introspective, atmospheric mood of the song.

[bkerchik]

Definitely get yourself a bike!!! I can’t wait for the weather to get better so I can get out. I’m kind of weird about riding in the road unless I’m way out in the middle of nowhere, but we have lots of paved trails around here, which is awesome!

[grok]

Feeling a little melancholy this evening. Low level emotional "aftershocks" roll through me.

A busy week with our yearly trade show in town at the conference center downtown. The SecDef and King of Jordan showing up. Busy practicing new people skills.

XW's parents arrived back in town for D18's graduation. They took XW, S13 and D18 out to dinner without warning. Normal.

Aware of interactions with the women at the trade show. ... common male confusion. Was that an indicator of interest or flirty glance? or is she just friendly? If she playfully grabs your hand as if to take the cool vendor swag she asked to see... is she just the social butterfly touchy type or does she find you interesting? (I've heard women are very aware of touching a man, especially one they don't know, so it is deliberate?)

XW brings S13 and D18 home and comes in the house...sits in living room chair. I continue about my evening routine. Grandparents come in the house a couple minutes later. OK. I greet them warmly. I continue my evening routines, set up for tomorrow's work events, and let XW, S13, D18, D20, and grandparents visit for a bit. In half an hour I call for S13 to walk the dogs with me as our normal routine and they take it as their cue to depart. D20 is moody tonight.

*****

After finishing up I sit at my desk for a few minutes before bed writing this. Playing on the Audio Engine speakers I gifted myself... I hear a song deep in emotion and spiritual/biblical symbolism. A song or poem of struggle, redemption, and renewal. I have some tears.

The Maker - Daniel Lanois

Oh, oh deep water
Black and cold like the night
I stand with arms wide open
I've run a twisted line
I'm a stranger
In the eyes of the maker
...
My body is bent and broken
By a long and dangerous sleep
I can't work the Fields of Abraham
And turn my head away
I'm not a stranger
In the hands of the maker
...

[Outro]
Oh river rise from your sleep

g



YouTube provides a sampling of other artist versions with some amazing other renditions. A partial list:

Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds ( Live at Radio City 2007 )
Jerry Garcia
Dave Matthews, Daniel Lanois, and Emmylou Harris
Bob Weir w/ Dave Matthews Band
Dave Matthews Band | LIVE Performance | SiriusXM
Lanois, Harris, Johnson and Blade
Willie Nelson & Emmylou Harris
Daniel Lanois, Brian Blade, Jim Wilson
Emmylou Harris

[grok]

A tale of Tires

Sitting here in the tire place getting four new tires. Irritated they couldn’t be patched or plugged because of liability issues. Irritated that I have to do it 10,000 miles early. Irritated at the extra $$$. Happy my work is still allowing “situational telework.” Emotions ebb and flow writing out how I got here today.

getting ready

Saturday evening was D18’s last gymnastics meet. She will be done unless she wants to try college gymnastics sometime. So … this is an important day for her.

A month ago D18 said, “Dad, you’re taking me to the meet in XYZ next month.”

I was a little surprised. When XW left, that was one of the things she said she wanted to do/keep. This was also a basis for me paying alimony for a while. I thought, “what is XW doing then? To not take D18 to her last meet? Will she be there? XW’s parents are supposed to be in town about then for D18’s graduation ceremony…what about them?”

I said nothing except, “OK D18. Sounds great. I’ll take you.”

For a while, D20 and I were trying to get a friend to house/pet sit for a night. This meet is 3 hours away and by a well known beach front. The notion was the four of us would spend the night in a hotel there after the meet… then a morning at the beach. That fell through in the end and I prepped the young ones for a 2pm departure for the 6:30p meet start time. D18 wanted plenty of time and was extra worried about being late.

2p arrives and we are still stuffing the truck. Ice chest with ice for D18’s foot. Cold foods. Snack foods. Special drinks selected. Blankets/pillows. S13, “Dad, I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten anything today. Can I make this ramen?” I just about growled at him. D18 is anxious and this kicks off emotions of NO we HAVE TO GO. Snap decision.

G, “S13, you picked a very bad time to figure this out. Go get a container with a top, put the ramen and hot water in. You can eat on the way. “

Everyone getting in the truck and there is little room. D18’s emotions are bobbling all over now.

D18, “Dad! There is NO PLACE FOR MY LEO and stuff!!!!!!!!!!! S13 that ramen smells disgusting. You can’t be eating that!!!!!! The Leo has to hang up WHAT DO I DO???????”

on the road

S13 looks like he is about to cry under the onslaught. Time for more snap decisions and Dad authority. I take the ramen, drain most of the liquid onto the lawn, and tell him to finish the noodles in the next 5 minutes and seal the container. D18 is vibrating with unhappiness. I take supplies out of the back seat, stuff them up front, and shove S13’s stuff over, hang D18’s gear on the passenger headrest. Get in let’s go. A prayer. D18 settles once we are on the road.

On the road with D20 driving, “I want the practice Dad. While you are in the car with me on long trips when it is raining.” 30 minutes down the road and who gets to pick what on the playlist is sorted.

Tires

DING! The dash has yellow flashing going on. The tire pressure display is now center. The right front tire is flashing 26. “Dad. Dad. ….. ” as we watch the 26 turns into a 25. Oh…. At the same time we hit standstill traffic on a freeway merge. We are stopped. Next exit is 3 miles. “Dad ….. how low is ok for me to keep going before I have to pull over? I think we should try to make it off the freeway where we can park at the next exit.” Smart girl. I told her 20 and we just made it to the parking lot by that standard. D18 starts vibrating with emotional unhappiness again.

Yep, a decent size screw. Truck has a mini-spare. I run though all the variations and factors in my head. “D20, please see if mom/grandma/grandpa are still near and can stop by and get D18 to make sure she makes the meet.” D18 is distinctly unhappy that I can’t make the 3 hour drive on a mini-spare. “I don’t want to go with grandpa/grandma.” I start the process of putting on the spare with D18’s help. She is practiced at this now and proud of her capabilities. Distracted.

Mom

XW apparently was 30 minutes further down the road when D20 reached her and she turned around to get D18.

G, “D20, was grandpa and grandma not with her?”

D20, “No Dad. I don’t know why. They are all driving separately (the three hours).”

I am talking to D18 about she needs to get her stuff and go with her mom. D18 will be just in time for the start. She starts crying, “No No No No No. It’s my last meet. Everyone has to be there. Everything is going wrong. Why can’t everything work?” I start to reason with her but stop. That won’t help. I offer love and support and reassurance that D20 and I will be right behind. I tell S13 he will go with XW and D18 when she gets here.

XW arrives and approaches with concern seeing D18 crying. She tries to approach, but D18 backs away from her visibly shaking, “No No No No NO”

G, “XW, Wait. S13, go get you stuff and go with mom.”

I walk over to D18. “You know I love you. This is the right thing to do right now. I promise you D20 and I will only miss one event at most.”

D18 folds into my arms so I can hold her and she stops shaking. D20 loans her AirPods so she a listen to her pre-meet motivational music… and not have to talk to mom if she doesn’t want to. I hope sending S13 is moderating and there is no crossfire he gets caught in.

Just not how it is anymore

As XW and D18 drive away, D20 bursts into tears.

D20, “Sorry Dad, but I think I did pretty good holding it in and being big sister while D18 needed me. I didn’t respond emotionally. She did NOT want to go with mom. I hope mom doesn’t argue with her and spin her up.“

G, “Yes you did well. She needed us to be strong while she gets through this.”

D20 is sitting in my truck as we wait for her friend N to show up with an air pump.

D20, “Dad, she REALLY did not want to go with mom.

G, “I know D20. But first priority was to get her to the meet on time. The we will come and be there for her. I think only missing the first event.”

D20, “She doesn’t quite understand that’s just not how it is anymore.”

Grief

Taking with D20. Thinking on the fractures represented by events. Grandparents driving on their own. XW driving on her own. Me, with my three who didn’t want to go with grandparents, didn’t want to go with XW.

I have tears in my eyes also. I show D20 my hand which is trembling.

G, “D20, it isn’t that way anymore. And this is how I feel about my own daughter not wanting to ride with her mom to her last gym meet.”

D20, “I know Dad.”

relationship lessons

While D20 and I waited for her reliable friend N to show up with a portable air pump to fill the mini-spare…don’t I feel dumb… we talked about another friend she tried to call. One who has been … not so reliable.

D20, “Dad, why can’t she be a good friend like I try to be….”

G, “D20 have you heard the term “covert contract?” You expect certain behaviors from her when you behave a certain way with her. But you don’t have an actual agreement for that…you haven’t talked about that…. You feel bad about her because of your own expectations of her. Her behavior suggest that is not who she is right now. Can you accept who she is right now and not who you want her to be right now?“

Tires

D20’s reliable friend arrives and we inflate the mini-spare to 55psi. After profuse thanks, we drive 25 minutes back home and swap cars to D20’s little hatchback and head out.

D20’s car has brand new tires on it. Put on Friday. Because of a nail in a tire earlier in the week. D20 practices the techniques to go fast…but stay innocuous. We arrive 10 minutes before D18’s second event. We don’t head to the bathroom before watching her though!

departing a winner

D18 does well. 1st in one event and 2nd overall in her skill bracket. Her team comes in 1st.

She get recognized on stage as a departing senior. The announcer calls for any friends and family that want to support her to come up on stage… XW on the end of the row doesn’t move. Seeing this, I, in the middle of the row get up and make move it! Move it! Motions until we are all up on stage. Don’t care how awkward anyone feels … this is D18’s moment in front of her peers.

XW departs taking grandma with her as soon as D18’s last award is done. Grandpa hangs around. When everything is all the way done we depart and I send S13 with Grandpa. Not sure if either of them wanted that. Too bad. Deal. D18 crashes out on the way home. The rest of us do so at 2am back home.

I dream of tires and things undone.

Oh, and it was raining on and off for this whole story….

g



PS

The grandparents stop by in an evening. Grandpa takes me aside and says he owes me a check. I look confused. It turns out the grandparents had put aside money for grandchildren's college funds. I just say thank you and accept the check for many thousands. I'll put it in an education account for them.

It was only later I thought, "why did he give it to me and not his daughter...XW?"

[Cadet]

It was only later I thought, "why did he give it to me and not his daughter...XW?"

I am sure you know the answer to that question

He knows the deal

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

I’m glad D18 got to her event on time. Flat tires and such never happen at a good time. Just got to go with it. Good thing you left early in case of the unexpected.

Thinking on the fractures represented by events. Grandparents driving on their own. XW driving on her own. Me, with my three who didn’t want to go with grandparents, didn’t want to go with XW.

There is a lot of collateral damages in these situations. Some fractures never really heal.

Nice to see Grandma and Grandpa supporting their grandkids’ eduction. If I may suggest, have your kids write their grandparents and thank you letter. From my Mom’s experiences, she shares with me, the thank you and acknowledgements from my kids of the gifts and support over the years really warms her heart.

Hope you have a great weekend, and your dreams turn to other than tires.

D

[grok]

I am sure you know the answer to that question

He knows the deal

I like to think he does. I recognize it could be my ego. I am trying to be very careful about mind reading. Things I know. (After all, I was VERY wrong about where my XW's mind and heart were.) He was not interested in my views early on in this tragedy. My one attempt at talking about it was shut down:

G, "I know W has been talking to you about us. I don't know what you know or what she has told you."
XFiL, "You two will work it out." and left.

I am learning to observe behaviors and emotions instead of listening to the meaning of words. This goes against my natural inclinations as a logical person and military experience where clear and concise communications are required.

My parents pointed out it could be that I've always been the one to handle money. I tried to interest XW. It never worked.

There is a lot of collateral damages in these situations. Some fractures never really heal.

Showing the lie in adults saying, "It's OK. Kids are resilient."

I thought the analogy would be - Say I smashed your face in with a baseball bat...breaking all your bones. You go to the hospital for many weeks. You do heal ... though with scars and pains for the rest of your life. See!! You are resilient and can lead a good and productive life anyway, right?! Aren't you stronger now that you went through that?!

Nice to see Grandma and Grandpa supporting their grandkids’ eduction. If I may suggest, have your kids write their grandparents and thank you letter. From my Mom’s experiences, she shares with me, the thank you and acknowledgements from my kids of the gifts and support over the years really warms her heart.

Agreed! My thought was to have them write a thank you each time they expended funds for classes or whatever. A direct connection to what their generosity funded.

Hope you have a great weekend

Thanks DnJ, I claimed my weekend Joy

Joy - Kings Kaleidoscope

Standing in a river of my second guesses
Don't believe it when I'm praying to afraid to pray you'll stir the water somehow
....
I'm giving in
I'm ready to backdown
....
I'm giving in
Never looking back now
....
Down in my heart
Down in my heart (My joy again)
Down in my heart to stay

g

[MamaG]

Hey G - how's it going? Anything new?

[grok]

Hey MamaG, {{hugs}} and seeing again many parallels with your latest post.

Wow, has it been three weeks? Whew! Lots of bits and pieces to tell. XW behaviors and I'll need some feedback... A conversation yesterday resulted in a few "aftershocks" running through me. ... resisting the pull of my melancholy side.

Maybe I'll have the time and energy to tell the tale later this week as I'm on travel again. Clarksville, TN this time. An acoustic sensor that tells the operator what it hears and in which direction it is coming from...

Time and energy... yeah. Some weeks I more just focus in with me and mine. Sometimes not more to give...though I know I can't stay there. I met in person for a bit with the church pastor again and filled him in on how things were going since we last talked in person more than six months ago. As we talked I realized 80%+ was about my three children...when he pointedly asked, "G, but what about YOU? What can I do to help?"

I thought a bit. Peopling is needed. Especially building a wider net of men around me. So he introduced me to a member who has a motorcycle shop and a group who go riding at least once a month.

Now for the motorcycle. I did get the helmet and gloves after all. Perhaps it will be part of my ocean...

Some Say the Ocean - The Hip Abduction

Well I’m dreamin’ of a place far away
There’s something calling my name

And my heart is losing touch day by day
Need more than just an escape

Far from the city and dread
Somewhere that time don’t change

Some say the ocean
Under endless skies
Will bring you back to life
For the rest of time

Some say the ocean
Helps leave it all behind
Can even free your mind
A soul unconfined

give it a listen and let the feels flow out

g

ps. a reggae spin now. It started when the children and I went to the beach for the first time this year. Though I end up with diverse playlists. Mountain biking Saturday in the mid-day heat, 94F and 99% humidity, to a playlist Spotify generated and called: techno house balinese ibiza island music beach reggae local boating roots hippie

sometimes I have to laugh and roll eyes at myself

[grok]

A pleasant 4th at home with my three. Fireworks at home and the favorite still … lighting the bug spray on fire!

XW did not come by that evening at the curb to say goodnight to children.

A double rainbow on Sunday morning when walking big dog. The beauty of the in between.

I will Step into the changes and throw away the empty heart.

g

Anthem of the Lonely by Nine Lashes

It's harder to know
Just where to go
If only the stars aligned
The sunsets glowed
I don't need
A calm in a storm
Or something to scream about
With empty lungs

So I'll break it
Knowing what you said
The pain is what you make it
Sadly you are so mistaken
I will take you with a grain
And step into the changes
Throw away the empty heart

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Lighting the bug spray on fire! LOL. Gosh, I’ve not made that blowtorch in years.

I’m glad you and the kids enjoyed the 4th. Fireworks, food, and fun; I’m sure we’re all on the schedule.

Hope you and your’s are having a great summer.

D

[grok]

Thanks DnJ, Kinda quiet around here.

I have a few hours this Friday afternoon … where not much is going to get done for work until Monday … after an off-site working day of strategy discussions with new bosses … and XW is in my home with S13 … peaceful and quiet work spaces here to think and write.

So, I think I left off with I was going to need advice. I think I should have written stuff down sooner to remember more detail … and I have been meaning to summarize other XW interactions over the last few months to give context. Oh well. As Caligirl said to me, “don’t worry, the world keeps turning.”

Back on about a month ago on a Sunday evening I was in the kitchen working about three dishes simultaneously. D20 was out for the day with friends so D18 and I were preparing ready meals this week. Tunes grooving, I had just gotten things set for the next 20 minutes or so, when XW comes through the front door and over to the kitchen. I think to myself this is unusual.

XW, “G, can we talk for a few minutes?”
G, “Yes. Wait though.”

I check all my ongoing efforts. Decide they are all fine for 15 minutes or so.

Emotional appeal stage setting

I walk out the front door and she follows. I wasn’t going to have discussions in D13 or D18’s earshot.

G, “What’s going on?”
XW, “Well,... You know I've been trying to be responsible and work hard at S13's schooling. I started sending the weekly spreadsheet to you and D20 of topics accomplished each day of the week. It's to be accountable. I had been listening to a talk by a lady on the topic and she was talking about taking it serious just like you would a job you are paid for."

G earnestly, "Yes. I am glad to see the topics get covered. I did read your messages on what you planned for him and why. I had seen the same things you did." (several page long texts a month apart)

Appeal 1: See! I'm being responsible.

XW, "And it takes lots of time. I've been doing odd jobs between that and my second masters and trying to be an entrepreuer setting up my craft business. I've been doing lots of things wrong ... most things at first ... but I figure it out eventually! I know it's loosing a lot of money trying to be an enteprenure but even if it doesn't You know this has been my dream even before we met right?"

G gently, "Yes XW. I remember. all the way back."

Appeal 2: Have empathy and support for MY dream, the one you supported before...(over 20 years she accumulated ~$25k of supplies)

XW, "I have a spending problem. I've ... recognized that lately. We had this issue where I did this and you .... um, kind of the opposite. I keep taking out of fund XX to carry through a difficult month where I don't have many odd jobs. or pulling from fund YY temporarily. but I never end up refilling those funds. I'm going to send the $ZZ,ZZZ back to my parents and ask them to just send me $Z,ZZZ each month so I don't have it available. Ugh...that will be a fun conversation."

G, ... just a listening attentive sympathetic face. I mean, what do I say that is not accusatory? It has really become clear she is poor with money time horizons further out than two weeks or so.

Appeal #3: I'm admiting a fault and sort of appologizing for straining finances. You should feel good about me.

the ask

XW, "This is all making it hard to see how I can continue to educate S13. I don't have enough income. Would you be willing to maybe consider me like a governess or tutor for him? I mean I know I'm his mom ... but ... some sort of stipend or something. I treat it like a job. Without something I think we'll have to start looking at schools for him."

G, "XW, ... this is the reason why I agreed to alimony for 18 months in the first place. That is what it was for ... through D18 being on her own. You sent some of the payments back and asked me to apply it the debt on your minvan. I did so. There are four payments left. Right now I am going to leave it at that."

The Ask: pay me or S13 gets it. He's the "hostage puppy." NO mention of prioritizing him.

A little more small talk and then I said I have food cooking I have to get back to now, closing the conversation. There were three or four other emotion based appeals woven in the conversation, though these are the bigger ones.

feels

Yeah, after walking away back to food prep...the Feelings looped back through muted versions of all that has come before. Unbecoming.

I didn't have to decide right then. So I didn't.

Inital internal reaction was WTF and No and XW, You put Yourself in this situation.

Then I though to reframe.

For ME and S13. The only thing out of all that for ME ... is how do I want S13's school life to go? and what am I willing to do or pay to get it? I don't know the right answer right now. Another curveball.

g

Unbecoming - STARSET

And all that I was
I've left behind me

Eyes in the dead still water
Tried but it pushed back harder
Cauterized and atrophied
This is my unbecoming
Knives in the backs of martyrs
Lives in the burning fodder
Cauterized and atrophied
This is my unbecoming

Now, I await
This metamorphosis
All that is left is the change
Selfish fate
I think you made me this
Under the water, I wait

[DnJ]

Hello g

Yes, XW tossed you another curve ball. Sheesh, a governess or tutor. Oh my. She’s out in left field, IMHO.

Initial internal reaction was WTF and No and XW, You put Yourself in this situation.

My reaction too!

My two cents, leave the settlement as is. No extra payments to XW. Figure out what you need to do to provide son with the education you want him to have.

Good on you. You didn’t need to decide or choose right then, and you didn’t.

D

[DnJ]

Thanks DnJ, Kinda quiet around here.

Yes, the forum has some lag and drop out issues which translate into frustration and less use.

However,

A new website and forum has been built. I took the new forum for a spin and it works really good. Nice and responsive. (lol sounds like I’m critiquing a sports car.) Same look just retooled/upgraded database. Anyhow, it should be getting released soon along with an updated Divorce Busting main page and site. MWD and her programmers have done some nice work.

[grok]

The engineer in me keeps speculating on the cause... running on a raspberry pi with not enough memory so page swapping to an old slow hard drive? LOL. I know, the Amazon cloud right? Which makes it even more curious.

That said, I'm glad it is getting a back end update. UBB threads is pretty old tech in internet years. But it should be simpler to run, maintain, and a whole lot cheaper. A trusty old tool that works just fine.

These trials make us who we are...

g

TRIALS - STARSET

These trials make us who we are, who we are, we are
We take our places in the dark
And turn our hearts to the stars

Hear me from the bottom
Forged in regret, I'm the silversmith
Doomsday, you had it coming
....
The steel in our hearts will be monuments
Today, they'll hear the violence
We'll rise from the dark like Lazarus

[grok]

Well…what an end to the weekend. I see I still have work to do to accept that which I cannot change. To not stress about it. To vent a little here about my stress and my sadness.

Mostly it was a good weekend though. I sent off S13 and D18 with XW on a road trip she, Grandma, and Grandpa had planned. They were heading north through Georgia, Tennessee and on for a week. XW in her van and grandparents in their RV. D20 did not go. I did not ask.

“They” do it to me - I

I got many things done too. 27 Gal bins were filled with D18’s debris she had ejected from her bedroom a while back. Ikea shelving/storage units from her previous setup were put in the garage. (In theory for XW… though she has said many times she is going to take them … and no follow though. XW messaged a few weeks back, ”I’ll probably need you or D20 to help make the arrangements. I get ignored or sabotaged when I try”).

home ownership burdens - I

Tonight after doing the weekly grocery shopping together, D20 and I started on moving bookcases around to their new planned configuration… when…. Behind one that I had planned to leave in place I found a mold spot on the wall about 2 ft X 3 ft in size. $#%^#$%^$. A small spot on the floor in front seemed damp to me and smelled musty.

With the help of one of D20’s friends we inspected outside and then took a sheetrock knife to cut out the molded section. Huh. No moisture signs in the sheetrock. Only on the paint and surface. The next step will be pull off the baseboard and pull up the carpet to inspect. Ugh. I just see hours work and $$$ signs in front of my eyes.

“They” do it to me - II

With that, I called it for the night. A bowl of ice cream each (A scoop of cherry and a scoop of salted caramel pretzel. Hey, it was a BOGO sale today!) and then D20 and I off to walk the dogs. My phone rings half way thought the walk with D18 calling. I answer thinking nothing of it.

D18, ”Dad! Dad! Is D20 there? I HAVE TO TALK TO HER. SHE WASNT ANSWERING HER PHONE.”

G, ”Yes, she’s right here. We’re walking the dogs right now. I’ll put you on speaker.”

D18 crying, ”NO. I have to talk to HER.”

I hand the phone to D20 and take both dogs. I could hear D18 in tears and stress. Judging by her request for D20, this was not something for me to jump into protective DAD mode. I walked ahead … trusting in D20’s judgement. It sounded like they were discussing XW. Bits and pieces I heard:

She’s a grown woman and can make her own choices
You don’t control any of that
You can’t do anything about what she does
Just let her do it
Do you need me to come get you? (700 miles)
Go ride with Grandma and Grandpa instead
I have a relationship with her… It’s just not close

That last one… hurt to hear.

After we got home she did put the phone on speaker. With S13 on the other end also. They told us about their exciting day hiking and going in a cave with an underground waterfall. Our advice was - Go hang out with Grandpa when it is stressful. You don’t have to explain it all. Just tell him you need time away and want his company for a while. “

Later D20 volunteered:
Mom’s van door broke.
She said it was “them” who sabotaged it
She got upset when D18 didn’t believe her
She said she might leave them with Grandma and Grandpa and drive back home
She stormed off
…

home ownership burdens - II

And then I noticed the overflow pan under at the air conditioning was filling up with water. SIGH. The drain pipe is clogged again. I used the wet vac to clear the existing water. The vinegar poured down the drain pipe to help clear any growths. This may take several days of attention to clear. My fault for not cleaning it earlier on schedule. I’m tired. Of constant fixes needed. And just tired.

g

LEMONADE - Forrest Frank & The Figs

Devil thought he really got us
I guess he just forgot that
God works everything for better
No matter what the weather
He knits it all together
Cozier than a sweater
………
Lemonade
I watch my worries wash a-way, lemonade
It's gonna be okay
Life gave me some lemons
But my Jesus, He be makin' lemonade

(The track was created during Forrest Frank's recovery from a serious skateboarding injury resulting in multiple back fractures, where he channeled his emotions into music from his hospital bed. … finding hope and faith in challenging times.)