Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[grok]

Camping Fri and Sat nights

Though S12 doesn't want to go camping (lite version), I think it is good for him to go with his troop. There were about 20+ other boys plus their fathers there. Good to interact with more boys of various sorts. Good to be bored and lonely sometimes. Good to get out in the physical world for a while. Good to work through the prep, set up, tear down, and clean up later. It was good to go swimming in the natural springs . We had minnows nibbling on our toes.

The location is only 30 minutes from home, so I drove back late Fri night to walk the dogs with D17/D19 and make sure they were set for the evening. Then drove back to S12 and the campground. I judged it part of the experience he needed to go through. It turned out that he stayed in the tent while I was gone. And called Mom.

XW, "Please let me walk the dogs tonight. I really don't mind. S12 called me and was lonely without you there. It will give me time to spend with D17 and D19."
G, "That is fine. S12 is going through necessary parts of a young man's journey."
XW, "Thank You"

Doorbell cam indicated she did go over - about an hour walking the dogs, maybe 40 minutes possible with D17/D19 and then departed.

Navigating …

XW’s parents are back in town. I had heard from the kids that they were coming. And the kids were asking me about schedules so they didn’t say OK when I already had things on the calendar. Nothing direct from XW until Sunday afternoon a message in the group chat (which used to be named “family but in a pique and irritation I renamed “child coordination”),

XW, ”Is it alright with everyone if Grandma and Grandpa bring pizza and play games at 5:30 over there with you?”

D17, *heart emoji*
D19, ” FYI I will be getting home from babysitting around then and will be taking S12 to trim his hair for a bit”
XW, ”should they come a little later?”
D19, ”likely better, I don’t know when I will be done with work. I’ll just be upstairs with him for a bit”
G, ”either time is fine”
XW, ”thank you”

D17, S12 and I were already doing cleanup, so we cleared more areas for pizza and games. Dialog between the kids ran something like,
”is Mom coming over?”
“I don’t know, probably not.”
*shrug*
“Oh, OK.”

I consider. I’m not sure I like XW coming over for this. On the other hand it may be good for my children. I feel very unwilling to “pretend family.” I still hear the words of XW after attending the mandatory state parenting class.
”Oh they explained that we are all still a family, just living in different houses.”.
What sort of feel-good ism is this? Words to make people feel better about their decision? It feels offensive to me.

The grandparents show up around 6:00 with pizza. We eat and talk. Big dog making sad noises in his crate. I think he wanted pizza.

Then we proceed into the living room and start with the card game “Mao,” where you have to learn the rules as you go because you can’t normally speak. Ugh! The kids like it though, because they can penalize those who don’t know it as well…..lol. It takes a while with six of us playing. Next the kids decide we are playing the card game “BS” with two decks. A game of strategically lying. *sign*. I’m terrible at this. Grandpa goes empty of cards first.

It’s about two hours since they arrived and then the door opens and XW walks in, the kids distractedly say “hi mom” and keep playing, she goes and sits behind Grandma holding her crochet. I wonder if that means she intends to stay a while…. We keep playing but Grandma goes out next. Meanwhile D19 and D17 start squabbling about play behavior.

D19 is calling “BS” a lot, and on almost every play D17 makes. D19 has soooo many cards now she certainly won’t go out soon. D17 loudly complains she doesn’t like being called out every time and it isn’t any fun anymore. D19 points out rightly that all rules have been followed. They are now focused more on their argument than the game so I call an end to the game.

a disturbance in the force

G, ”OK, Grandpa and then Grandma have already won. Since we’re not having fun anymore we will end this game here.” Upon which D17 throws her hand down on the coffee table in front of D19, scattering the cards. D17 goes to sit on the couch with a stone face.
D19, ”Daaad, she thew the cards at me!!!”

I see XW’s face contorting and see her getting disturbed. Grandpa and Grandma are sitting back to see how this plays out.

G, ”I see both of you and we will talk / address this later.”
D19, ”Dad, you always say that but never do it…” I file that perception away for later consideration.

XW suddenly grabs her stuff and stalks out the front door in a huff, closing it heavily. We all look at each other.

Suddenly calm, the two squabblers look at each other,
“You think she’s gone for the night?”
“Probably”
“huh”
“Drama much?”
“Yeah, like if anyone it should be one of us.”
“I know right?”
“What the heck man”

S12 looks crestfallen. G, ”hey, you can go out and tell her goodnight if you want.” He gets up and goes out the door.

Grandma tells the girls they shouldn’t be fighting like that.
“Oh grandma, we weren’t fighting.”
“ That would be serious.”
“We’re just squabbling. “
“all sisters do that”
“we’ll be fine by morning”
“I’ll be fine tonight after I fart in her pillow.”
“Outrageous” .
And just like that hey are mostly good again.

Grandpa and Grandma decide that is their cue to depart. They start getting ready. XW comes back in after a while. I go and start cleaning up from dinner. With the grandparents gone, XW and D17 have a long discussion. I hear bits and pieces … excuses as well as “I didn’t handle that well,” etc….

Somewhere in there D19 tells XW she has finally decided she does actually want to go to college after all, and study child behavior. D19 deals with difficult children and special needs children at work and likes working through their behavioral issues. XW replies to this with reminders to D19 she doesn't have the right credits to go to college. D19 is emotionally upset at this, "Then why did you graduate me from High School then!!!" XW then proceeds to lecture her about how she chose not to go the college path and was missing a lot.

Feelings and solutions

An hour after the grandparents leave, and after seeming to mend fences with each child, XW comes to me and asks to talk.
XW, "You know I graduated her because she didn't want to go to college and wasn't ready. You know I gave her the chance/choice. I think I can dig out the missing courses that fit her learning style. ... "
G, "I remember all of it. I know."
It felt like XW thought I wasn't part of the decision. Of course I was. I agreed to let D19 proceed on a non-college path. More school can be done when needed. She wasn't ready.

XW finally leaves and I start kids on evening routines for bed...and go see D19 who is crying in her bed.
"Why was I let graduate?"
"I can't go to college now"
"no good school will take me"
and more feelings

Trying very hard to put into practice my updated understanding of female communication. She is trying to tell me how she feels. I attempt to validate her feelings first. Scary. Sad. Failing. Hopeless. Crushed.
Then trying very hard to express mine about her. Capable. Confident. Skilled.

Followed by fixing/solutions. Missing courses can be made up. Local community college is perfectly fine if your goal is to learn the material in the class. State universities don't give you an advantage there. I will help you through each and every class if you want my help. We can go and find out exactly what it will take to get you on the degree path. There are no closed doors here.

The next day

XW forgets D17 at gymnastics again. I go pick her up.

D17, ”I like grandparents taking us out to eat and pizza, but it is too much sometimes.”
G, ”I understand. It gets to be heavy on the food and heavy food.”
D17, ”yeah, sometimes you just want normal food.”
G, ”well, we will appreciate their generosity. They have always been generous that way. That is how they show they care.”
D17, ”yes, it is very generous of them.”

g