Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

PSS. Don't text him HBD on his birthday. This will be very hard so be busy that day and have support.
PSSS. No holiday texts. No response back to holiday texts.

We say around to keep the road home smooth. What that means is that we are polite and kind in our boundaries. It is not us taking on the work that our spouse needs to do. Let your H do his work. Without your suggestions, manipulations, or "guidance".

I don't how to reconcile these two statements.

Right now, I can't rationalize texting H or not texting for bdays / holidays. I'm not afraid of 'monster' as his response to me not texting H. I will do the 'right' thing just not understanding the direction and vets advice. I've read to meet him where he is. Lean in when he leans in. I know his HBD text was empty and likely took him most of the day to figure out what to say to me. (Pretty sad considering how easy this used to be before MLC fun.) Had I not asked here, I would have rationalized that I should provide a HBD text as he did (seeing as it's a short time apart). Thanksgiving/Xmas seems easier for me to accept no text unless I get one. Even still, the recommendation is to not respond. Can you give me the 'why'? What's the reason? rationalization?

PS. Don't be thrilled he texted you. It's really the very least he could do.

So flippin' true! Maybe that's what made me sad, mad, angry, disappointed, annoyed, unloved, lost, confused... Yet, I was relieved and felt like I could build on it with the request for him to celebrate with me. In part, this was an attempt of building on the offer to 'talk more' in our convo a couple weeks back. I took that at face value. I know better, don't I?

When you get passed the pain - do you really want someone taking you out ONLY because you asked... My guess is no. But that "new truth" is hard to accept.

Yes, this truth is hard to accept AND, the truth that for the first time in decades, I was without H on my day stung. I feel like the suggestion to celebrate with me would fall under 'pave the way back to me'. Why do you not see my 'celebrate request' text fitting under 'paving the way'?

I would look deeper here. Is it perhaps that want to "forgive" in order to not lose the marriage? What if I told you that you can forgive and still move forward separate from H. Take the time to sit in all the uncomfortable feelings around this. Don't push yourself to forgive w/o FIRST allowing the anger that comes before it. Anger tells us something is going against our values. Listen to them.

This made me pause. I don't know why I'm forgiving. Intellectually, I know forgiveness is for me. For me to be able to feel a bit lighter. Less angry. Could it also be in part tied to the thought of not losing the M? Perhaps. I realize that I can't control his decision on our M, so I suppose there isn't a correlation between forgiveness and path forward that H decides on. Yet, if I don't forgive, H won't attempt to return. H avoids BIG time. Doesn't like conflict. Avoids conflict!

I do know that I DON'T want to forgive AND still move forward separate from H. Yet it takes two to stay M. He hasn't filed and back pedals when he offers and I 'embrace it'.

Despite looking to better understand the above feedback, I have come to terms, while kicking and screaming, with needing to pull back again. Getting through the next couple months is going to be hard. I know this. I'll take one day at a time. I can do it. January can't come fast enough.

Detachment was very hard for me. I svcked at it. I was good at the no contact but it was difficult to let go.

Yup. Yup. Yup. I feel this.

Your feelings were real. You saw things that were real. Yes, lots of those things no longer are visible or present. H, MLCers, become the opposite of who they once were. And may or may not find their way back. Doesn’t negate your feelings and immutable past.

I know it’s difficult to understand H and the why of what the heck is going on. And I know we all require a certain level of understanding before we can will let go and accept.

Work on accepting things. From an intellectual view. You know lots! Don’t conflate lack of understanding emotionally with lack of understanding intellectually. You know lots! With this intellectually acceptance, emotionally acceptance is influenced and fostered. It’s the process of grief. Finding acceptance - intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

I learned months ago that I had let H go and I accepted it. I accepted that H needed time. I accepted that he is figuring himself out (whatever that may mean). I accepted that something in his past created this mess and H needs to ride it out on his own. I didn't accept that H didn't love me through the years. I'm struggling to embrace that my life was a lie; a lie told by me to myself. How else do I explain, "Lots of things are no longer visible or present. And may or may not find their way back." It's the 'present' that hurts.

Assuming H loved me through the years and H's love for me is now buried, is this where cycling stems from? Meaning, the touch-n-goes over the summer was 'his love for me' surfacing and then back into the fog and burying the 'love' by not reaching out for a week or so?

Is there a thread that you can recommend that would help me understand?

It isn't helping that both my kids are suffering and struggling. I hide my tears and feelings from them so as to not reinforce what they're seeing/feeling/experiencing with dad. I also don't want them to worry about me.

S is upset (finally an emotion as I was worried for him) that dad hasn't called him back in 3 weeks' time. S is seeing things differently and is going into anger zone. It took him some time to get through denial. S still doesn't tell me how he feels. There is a strict 'no dad' talk boundary that he's established with me. Maybe this will change, but for now, I respect it.

D shares more with me and asks for updates on H and I. I keep things on the surface and minimize what I'm going through for her health. D is relieved that S finally sees things she's been sharing with S for a year.

I still pray for H and that He help H through this journey we're both on. And, I know deep down my prayers may partially be selfish....as I expect that H will return. I haven't accepted any other path as He would not support D. Yes, expect. Expect and hope. I can't see it any other way.

Is a midlife crisis a mental illness? Demons entering our life to divide us? One of these? Both? Neither? What do you make of it?