Truth is that I’m tired of waking up telling myself that I’m not going to cry. I’m going to have a good day. And before I can get out of bed, I’m crying. Quickly I remind myself of reasons to get up and be grateful. I settle down. And, it’s not long before the tears flow again. It’s like I’m lying to myself. I’m not OK. I feel like I’ve been pretending to be. Living alone has allowed me to cry as often and as much as I need to.
This is so exhausting. Not rewarding. Still, I continue in this cycle.
Tell yourself: I’m not going to cry and I’m going to have a good day.
Crying is perfectly fine. And does not negate a good day. Nor is the absence of crying necessary for joy and happiness and a great day.
Crying washes away. God help a person who never cries.
I get it. Oh, so very exhausting. Have faith, your rewards are coming!!! Your hard work will pay off!
In truth, it’s already is paying off, it’s just your emotions are masking you feeling it. You know this. You remind yourself, so proof is there, you know. Be patience, have faith, your emotions will catch up.
Yes, act as if, is kind of pretending. I prefer, aspiring to be better. It’s a journey. And we all take small steps which feel unsure. That’s pushing one’s comfort zone, learning and gaining new skills and knowledge. It feels pretend, until enough come together and you suddenly realize just how much you have actually gained.
Keep the faith. Keep moving forward.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I don’t want to do this for another month. I don’t want to do this for another year. I just don’t know how to do or be different. I don’t want to cry anymore. Don’t want to be sad and lonely anymore. I don’t want to look for his text.
(((Another Big Hug)))
Cry. Stomp your feet. Sit right down in the middle of this proverbially path. It’s ok!
Take some time.
Then get back up.
Dust off.
And continue moving forward.
(I wrote to lonelee this morning regarding the importance of GAL and detaching. While writing to you, I realized I was starting to write pretty much the same. So I’ll copy .)
Get out and do something - for you! With you! Go for a walk, a jog, a run. Dig a garden, shovel snow. Go to the gym, join a kickboxing class, beat up a punching bag, whatever. Sweat out those feelings. While engaged in activity one let’s go of (doesn’t focus/reenforce) their feelings for a while.
We all live and travel four roads/paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. These are all interconnected and influence each other. Feeling sad causes similar thoughts and moping around, for example.
Out of the four paths/facets, we only directly control two: physical and intellectual. Our thoughts, actions, and reactions. We directly control those. We have the ability to immediately escalate or extinguish our actions or thoughts. Which in turn affects emotions and beliefs.
Emotions are born from our non-rational realm. They can be triggered or initiated by thoughts, activities, and other inputs; both internal and external. Feelings are quick to rise and quick to extinguish, if/when not reenforced. Feelings are fleeting. As one’s subconscious calms so do their emotions.
Beliefs, values, convictions - the spiritual path - is the slowest to alter or change. This slowness to change, this lack of knee jerk altering, makes this particular path excellent for one’s headings and direction. Especially, once one has categorized and (re)realized their underlying tenets and values. Strengthening that which serves, crafting that which one aspires to, and discarding/altering that which no longer/doesn’t serve.
To follow one’s deeply held tenets brings very few regrets. (Decisions based upon emotions almost always lead to regret, for the “reason” for the decision extinguished rather quickly and the consequences can be very long lasting, even permanent.)
However, that belief work is a long project, and one needs to be detached.
To influence one’s emotions, to influence one’s detachment:
As mentioned earlier, it is interesting how our emotions affect our thoughts and activities. The converse is equally interesting and very important. One’s thoughts and physical activity affect/influence one’s emotions (and beliefs). And we control our physical activity and thoughts!
An experiment/example:
Smile. Right now. Smile.
Bigger.
Curl your lips up. Show a little teeth.
Ok, relax.
Now, frown.
A big, pouting frown. Lips and forehead pursed down.
Ok, relax.
See how when smiling, you felt happier?
See how when frowning, you felt sadder or less happy?
Even forced smiling and frowning, affected your mood/emotions.
Our subconscious reaction is just that - a reaction. And we can directly influence it. Note: not directly control it, influence it. We directly control the stimulus. The thoughts and actions.
This is the “magic” of GAL. Living and loving your life. Doing things for you. Focusing on you. Finding you. Picking up hobbies and joyful activities you likely set aside for marriage and family. We all did, by the way. Responsibilities, work, kids, etc, all commanding/requiring parts of our day. Along the journey, over the years, we lose touch with some of that deeply held, profoundly held, joy and identity. Find you - again.
Likely, you will discover you are not far off the mark. You lived/live authentically. You just feel lost.
Detachment. Time and space. Finding you. Allows those feelings to flit. Yes, new feelings will pop up, and one allows those to flit as well.
Eventually one’s beliefs likewise (re)discover/regain their foothold too. Which definitely promotes and influences one’s tenets.
We live on these fours paths; like cars along life’s highway. When your four cars - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual - are all travelling together, side by side, the same speed, and the same direction, you have peace and contentment.
All journeys, no matter how epic and grand, all start with a wee step.
It can start with the smallest of actions - a smile. A walk.
Originally Posted by MamaG
then I wonder if he ever even loved me. I know you can’t answer that. I just don’t understand how you can just walk out on someone. He hasn’t been communicating with his kids. I know this is typical here. But I don’t understand. Clearly I loved him more than he loved me and I saw things that weren’t really there . I felt things that weren’t real. That’s what hurts the most?
I felt and thought the same things back when XW left me. Took a while to see things clearly. My thoughts, my experiences, my opinion:
H loved you. His turmoil, he doesn’t love himself. And that, buries things.
He is walking out on himself. You, the kids, the pets, friends and family, are/were just in his way. Collateral damage.
I’d say, my W (not XW, the gal she was), loved me. Was it more than my love? Less than my love? Neither. Love cannot be quantified like that. It’s more, you are or you are not. Certainly displayed differently, men and women and all.
Your feelings were real. You saw things that were real. Yes, lots of those things no longer are visible or present. H, MLCers, become the opposite of who they once were. And may or may not find their way back. Doesn’t negate your feelings and immutable past.
I know it’s difficult to understand H and the why of what the heck is going on. And I know we all require a certain level of understanding before we can will let go and accept.
Work on accepting things. From an intellectual view. You know lots! Don’t conflate lack of understanding emotionally with lack of understanding intellectually. You know lots! With this intellectually acceptance, emotionally acceptance is influenced and fostered. It’s the process of grief. Finding acceptance - intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
.)
