I made it seven days no contact! He contacted me and I did not respond.
Well done!
Give yourself a good 24-48 hours before responding, if at all. The couple of days grace allows your emotions to calm and to see if his communication even requires a response.
Originally Posted by lonelee
I have also scheduled an appt with a lawyer to get some questions answered for myself for some piece of mind even though neither of us are thinking we want to divorce at this time. I'm curious about the need for a legal separation, perhaps.
Knowledge is power. It is wise to seek counsel. To gain information about your situation - rights, responsibilities, legal options, likely outcomes of said legal options/actions, and so forth.
If you need financial protection or security, get it. Elsewise, leave the heavy-lifting to H. (IMHO )
Originally Posted by lonelee
I'm feeling ok but just feel like some outside unbiased solutions/suggestions would benefit me.
Reading, journalling, self improvement books, the inner work, engaging with supportive family and friends, all good stuff. Also, GAL!
Get out and do something - for you! With you! Go for a walk, a jog, a run. Dig a garden, shovel snow. Go to the gym, join a kickboxing class, beat up a punching bag, whatever. Sweat out those feelings. While engaged in activity one let’s go of (doesn’t focus/reenforce) their feelings for a while.
We all live and travel four roads/paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. These are all interconnected and influence each other. Feeling sad causes similar thoughts and moping around, for example.
Out of the four paths/facets, we only directly control two: physical and intellectual. Our thoughts, actions, and reactions. We directly control those. We have the ability to immediately escalate or extinguish our actions or thoughts. Which in turn affects emotions and beliefs.
Emotions are born from our non-rational realm. They can be triggered or initiated by thoughts, activities, and other inputs; both internal and external. Feelings are quick to rise and quick to extinguish, if/when not reenforced. Feelings are fleeting. As one’s subconscious calms so do their emotions.
Beliefs, values, convictions - the spiritual path - is the slowest to alter or change. This slowness to change, this lack of knee jerk altering, makes this particular path excellent for one’s headings and direction. Especially, once one has categorized and (re)realized their underlying tenets and values. Strengthening that which serves, crafting that which one aspires to, and discarding/altering that which no longer/doesn’t serve.
To follow one’s deeply held tenets brings very few regrets. (Decisions based upon emotions almost always lead to regret, for the “reason” for the decision extinguished rather quickly and the consequences can be very long lasting, even permanent.)
However, that belief work is a long project, and one needs to be detached.
To influence one’s emotions, to influence one’s detachment:
As mentioned earlier, it is interesting how our emotions affect our thoughts and activities. The converse is equally interesting and very important. One’s thoughts and physical activity affect/influence one’s emotions (and beliefs). And we control our physical activity and thoughts!
An experiment/example:
Smile. Right now. Smile.
Bigger.
Curl your lips up. Show a little teeth.
Ok, relax.
Now, frown.
A big, pouting frown. Lips and forehead pursed down.
Ok, relax.
See how when smiling, you felt happier?
See how when frowning, you felt sadder or less happy?
Even forced smiling and frowning, affected your mood/emotions.
Our subconscious reaction is just that - a reaction. And we can directly influence it. Note: not directly control it, influence it. We directly control the stimulus. The thoughts and actions.
This is the “magic” of GAL. Living and loving your life. Doing things for you. Focusing on you. Finding you. Picking up hobbies and joyful activities you likely set aside for marriage and family. We all did, by the way. Responsibilities, work, kids, etc, all commanding/requiring parts of our day. Along the journey, over the years, we lose touch with some of that deeply held, profoundly held, joy and identity. Find you - again.
Likely, you will discover you are not far off the mark. You lived/live authentically. You just feel lost.
Detachment. Time and space. Finding you. Allows those feelings to flit. Yes, new feelings will pop up, and one allows those to flit as well.
Eventually one’s beliefs likewise (re)discover/regain their foothold too. Which definitely promotes and influences one’s tenets.
We live on these fours paths; like cars along life’s highway. When your four cars - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual - are all travelling together, side by side, the same speed, and the same direction, you have peace and contentment.
All journeys, no matter how epic and grand, all start with a wee step.
It can start with the smallest of actions - a smile. A walk.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
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