Truth is that I’m tired of waking up telling myself that I’m not going to cry. I’m going to have a good day. And before I can get out of bed, I’m crying. Quickly I remind myself of reasons to get up and be grateful. I settle down. And, it’s not long before the tears flow again. It’s like I’m lying to myself. I’m not OK. I feel like I’ve been pretending to be. Living alone has allowed me to cry as often and as much as I need to.
This is so exhausting. Not rewarding. Still, I continue in this cycle.
I don’t want to do this for another month. I don’t want to do this for another year. I just don’t know how to do or be different. I don’t want to cry anymore. Don’t want to be sad and lonely anymore. I don’t want to look for his text.
How is it so hard to be happy with me? Just me. I have so much to be grateful for. Yet, I have this one empty hole that takes up such a huge part of genuinely being happy. if I didn’t know any different, I’m going through my own life crisis
then I wonder if he ever even loved me. I know you can’t answer that. I just don’t understand how you can just walk out on someone. He hasn’t been communicating with his kids. I know this is typical here. But I don’t understand. Clearly I loved him more than he loved me and I saw things that weren’t really there . I felt things that weren’t real. That’s what hurts the most?
