Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[Valeska19]

MG,
I am not disappointed in you. I've just been there. For the record - Detachment was very hard for me. I svcked at it. I was good at the no contact but it was difficult to let go. That's why I can see it so clearly now. I've learned It's not a one action thing. It's something that happens over time with consistent decision making. That's all I'm trying to help you with. Is staying consistent with actions that help with detachment and acceptance.

So here we go.

Thank you for the bday wishes! Overall, it was a hard day. The texts were flowing in from family and friends (both his and my family) and I found myself looking for one specific text - the one from H. I know. I know. Expectations. I felt immediate relief once it came through around 4. Not a proud moment for me as I realized what I was doing.

I had an overwhelming urge to respond to H's text. "Happy 50th Birthday". I fought the urge(s), considered responding, re-considered, fought....and so I responded to H's text 5 hours later.

"Thanks for thinking of me. Will you be taking me out to celebrate?"

Holidays and Birthdays are hard. And can be very painful to get through. I remember my first Christmas just crying in the shower.

When you get passed the pain - do you really want someone taking you out ONLY because you asked... My guess is no. But that "new truth" is hard to accept. So put things in place to help you get through it. My suggestion is that instead of calling H, you call a family/friend. Or post on the board. Share that pain with a trusted source instead and talk about how much it svks. This will help calm the nerves and recommit to yourself. It will help with the "urge" to reach out. It will help with the detachment.

PS. Don't be thrilled he texted you. It's really the very least he could do.
PSS. Don't text him HBD on his birthday. This will be very hard so be busy that day and have support.
PSSS. No holiday texts. No response back to holiday texts.

Well, I kissed him because in the moment I believed that he really did want to talk with me more and I felt like a kiss would demonstrate forgiveness for EA so that he wouldn't be fearing reaching out to me. Well, seeing as H hasn't reached out, a kiss was ineffective?

The problem with this thinking is that you are trying to control your H. This is you trying to do HIS work. We say around to keep the road home smooth. What that means is that we are polite and kind in our boundaries. It is not us taking on the work that our spouse needs to do. Let your H do his work. Without your suggestions, manipulations, or "guidance".

Have I forgiven H but am now having negative thoughts/feelings towards EA? Logically, I know that blaming EA for H's actions isn't appropriate. Yet, I feel forgiving H comes easier.

I would look deeper here. Is it perhaps that want to "forgive" in order to not lose the marriage? What if I told you that you can forgive and still move forward separate from H. Take the time to sit in all the uncomfortable feelings around this. Don't push yourself to forgive w/o FIRST allowing the anger that comes before it. Anger tells us something is going against our values. Listen to them.

I need to pull WAY back. Got it. Is the needed detachment for me so that I handle my emotions better OR is the detachment for him?

The detachment is for YOU. It is so you can recommit to YOURSELF. It's so you can look at situations and say "As painful as this feels right now, I need to continue doing X in order to stay in line with my values. In order to not lose myself"


Choosing yourself over H is a fairly new process. It's okay that you have setbacks. The important part is that you see when that setback has occurred and put things in place to make different decisions.

A good way to do this is to put some boundaries on yourself. If you can't follow them, you can't expect H to. We teach people how to treat us. The teaching comes from how we treat ourselves.

((MG))