Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

And Happy Upcoming Birthday!!!

Thank you for the bday wishes! Overall, it was a hard day. The texts were flowing in from family and friends (both his and my family) and I found myself looking for one specific text - the one from H. I know. I know. Expectations. I felt immediate relief once it came through around 4. Not a proud moment for me as I realized what I was doing.

I had an overwhelming urge to respond to H's text. "Happy 50th Birthday". I fought the urge(s), considered responding, re-considered, fought....and so I responded to H's text 5 hours later.

"Thanks for thinking of me. Will you be taking me out to celebrate?"

You, keep doing what works, and less of what doesn’t. The conversations are fine, just be ready to back off really quick if things take a weird turn.

Under this premise, I allowed myself to respond to H's HBD text.

The ball is in his court. Stick to your boundaries. Do not sell yourself short. Do not falter. Live your life. Love your life.

H may not like, to a very high degree, not like what he faces and jumps back into running. You remain: Pressure-free. Not your journey. Time will tell.

Under these premises, I failed. And what I said may have been a push although it didn't seem it at the time. I convinced myself that he leaned in and so I reciprocated. Looking back, I'm not sure this is how you'd recommend leaning in.

And you guessed it....no response as of yet from H.

[quote=DnJ](I am also a Scorpio. My birthday is coming up in ten days. Your invited. We’ll have cake and ice cream. Play pin the tail on the donkey. Hide and seek. Tag. Have more cake. It’ll be a blast. LOL)

Wishing a fellow Scorpio a very Happy Birthday. I would love to celebrate you, together. You've held my hand through the toughest moments in my life with such compassion and wisdom. I am forever grateful. May you enjoy your special day, DnJ.

Obtaining a lawyer and looking into the legal aspects is wise. Feelings aside, and I mean put your feelings aside, use your rational logical side for making decisions. Never throw in the towel based upon feelings. Feeling based decisions lead to regret.

Yes, seek legal advice. Information is power. Know your right and responsibilities; the procedure; debts and assets; property you’ll fight for and stuff you’ll let go; the outcomes - best case, worst case, and likely case. All good solid information.

Use that information, equally solidly. Make rational decisions. Taking into account your feelings as well, after all you’re not a robot. Remember, doing nothing is doing something.

Limbo ain’t for the faint of heart. Let your time in the crucible remove the slag and unveil the gem inside.

I made 6 to 8 calls and didn't catch any attorney. In short, ended up having no conversations and began to find my center. I know that financially, owing him alimony is an ugly thought. Losing his fantastic benes would be a loss. I haven't given up on us; on our R/M. Emotions ran wild and now I need to re-center. Re-detach.

Doing nothing is doing something.
Limbo ain't for the faint of heart.

Detach and back to no contact I go.

No amount of retribution or comeuppance will suffice. That will not take the pain and deep hurt away. The answer lay in you: Forgiveness.

It’s also the path for “How do I get past this?”.

Forgiveness it is. I tell myself that I've forgiven. I feel like I've forgiven. And, then my thoughts relive the conversation. Emotions resurface. Confusion resurfaces. I need to re-center. It's a cycle.

Have I forgiven H but am now having negative thoughts/feelings towards EA? Logically, I know that blaming EA for H's actions isn't appropriate. Yet, I feel forgiving H comes easier.

Love the sinner(s), forgive the sin/deed/transgression. (Your focus on forgiving is on the act, not the person.)

Yup...I forget this and then remember this as part of cycling.

Let them go. And embrace forgiveness. Find peace and contentment. It’s a much more powerful state.

So how do I behave the latter half of this month?

Do I respond to his Happy Thanksgiving Day text (if one comes through)? Do I send a HTD text to him without him sending one to me?

Do I send a HBD text to H in a couple weeks?

Sorry about your errant washing machine. The door locks electrically. Unplugging the machine should deenergize the lock and allow you to retrieve the clothes. (I know, advice too late. lol)

Proud to report that sister and I fixed the washer on our own. I managed to unscrew the top off of the washer, exposing the lock to the door from the inside of it. We reset the GFI and bam, I was back up and running. Another accomplishment! I was super happy.

Valeska19, oh how I've missed you. I've missed your direct feedback. Clearly, you must be disappointed in my update. I can see you shaking your head at me. I know. In hindsight, I know. Still counterintuitive to give space and detach. And, in the conversation, in the moments, I felt like I was really talking with H...not MLC H. It seemed so real. How can it be that H has pulled way back? I guess I should be thrilled that I got a HBD text at all.

I think you did whatever everyone of us has done at some point during this journey. We temp-check to see where our partner is at. Now that you have - use the information given. And from the bleacher seats - that's pulling WAY back. There is still detachment that needs to be done.

I need to pull WAY back. Got it. Is the needed detachment for me so that I handle my emotions better OR is the detachment for him?

[quote=Valeska19] He would have NO idea knowing this kiss is what you meant. And let me ask you this. Why are you kissing a man that has shown no intent of joining the marriage? We suggest no sex, no affection. It promotes cake-eating on his part.

Well, I kissed him because in the moment I believed that he really did want to talk with me more and I felt like a kiss would demonstrate forgiveness for EA so that he wouldn't be fearing reaching out to me. Well, seeing as H hasn't reached out, a kiss was ineffective?

You have to give it time. You have to allow yourself to go through the emotions that come with it. You have to do your work. Only until your self confidence is back - can you truly tell if an affair is a deal breaker or not. This is not something you share with your H in the meantime.

I've gotten off the D horse that I was riding over the last 2 weeks. It hit harder than I expected since I've been warned that A's are common. And, I have been suspecting this EA anyway. My self-confidence was not quite as strong as I led myself to believe. Good reminders.

Your H is still reeling. He hasn't made any attempt to come back into the marriage.

Fact. H hasn't made attempts. Ugly fact.

My post-its: Patience. It'll be on God's time. H needs space. H is still in there. I don't need to decide anything today. Doing nothing is doing something. My love sits on a shelf for when H is ready for it.

Thank you, both!