Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[grok]

Yes, you should likely implement the agreed terms.

This I have been doing. I didn't mean to imply I wasn't. There is just a lot. She meant the big ones which she could use to buy a house. I never structured it to be separated ever. Life insurance cashed and transferred. Investment account F cashed out and transferred. Other life insurance with her as beneficiary to guarantee alimony and child support. 6/18 alimony payments complete. Biggest account F2 is in work. F3 next. Likely need court orders for military reserves retirement ($$$ to have them written). Every medical or school receipt presented, I have reimbursed.

This agreement of her helping out with school work at your home allowed you to retain sole custody. The kids stay at your home and only visit Mom if/when they wish to. I think. Correct?

Not quite right, though defacto right. For D17 and S12, official custody is 50/50.

In practice, ... well she lives in an RV making space more difficult for her. At the same time, she has NOT made the space she does have ... welcoming for them. Trading places...I would have made space where they would enjoy time with me. She has not. As reported by D19 when I asked why none of the three, ever, go visit her in her RV.

She also, somewhere, recognized the stability it grants the kids to stay in the only home they know. In their own beds and spaces. And is fearful of the courts deeming her a "bad mom" and taking away her access.

My personal word, "I will not keep the kids from you. I am not, and have not considered asking for sole custody." They live 100% with me for as long as they want. She has unrestricted access to them when they want to go and workday access to my home for schooling. It is a half spoken agreement.

Home access, so long as they live there as minors, is written into the parenting plan. Though as the mediator quipped, "I know you will both just toss this parenting plan in a drawer and do what ever you want. You have to put something down for the judge though."

I recognized early, though have never spoken of it anywhere but here, the children living with me 100% gives me defacto power. Forcing a change to defacto status takes a six month or more round trip through lawyers and courts. The courts are hesitant to order or force changes to any existing status quo if the children are doing OK as is. Rightly viewing that sending a Sheriff to remove a child from one home to go to another is harmful to the child.

XW is now coming over far more than she used to. Hopefully, positive progress is being made in S12’s homeschooling. Still, she is in your face more.

Yes, positive progress indeed, working through the Classical Conversations curriculum. Though an advantage of home schooling is progress does not need to be linear. She has been making an effort to show she is accomplishing the work now. S12 is disappointed to have less computer game time. ha.

Perhaps, look at, frame the situation, XW is like a tutor for S12. You’d not be upset with a tutor helping out so much.

She is also his Mom. Having her in his life will likely promote more in the positive side of the balance sheet, than if she was absent. (I do have some experience in that scenario.)

And this is exactly my reasoning for both alimony and home access. How much would I pay for D17 and S12 to go to a school I approved of? More than alimony. Is S12 better off with Mom dropping in most days? Yes, stability and Mom both in his life.

I love those smoothies too. Keep drinking them and keep stock of them. Clearly, between the two of us, it'll be like TP during Covid. lol

I've been stocking up. Storage area under the stairs.

Easier said than done. I know all too well. Seek better. Be better.

Ha. Yet another life long project to go with all the others. File under "who do I want to be." That file is getting pretty big.

Minutes after getting home and he left, I learned just how unhealed I am. Detached, I am not.

Give yourself grace. Raising a family, maintaining a home and holding a FT job as a single parent is not for the weak. You're doing great! I really believe that!

Thanks MamaG, that feels very familiar and helps. This ...this... this... has been my first experience with real overwhelming self-doubt, self-worth. It is shocking to me because for most of my life I've been able do just about anything I chose to put my mind and effort towards.

The words and behaviors from the person I trusted most in this world... If you, XW, were that unhappy, was I not worth the effort to work on it? Have I failed my children in not understanding what i needed to work on with XW? ...

Ha. Yet another life long project to go with all the others.

The way I look at the things with the children is , if causing good for them , I allow it as long as it’s not utterly throwing me off . ... Holding down the fort while someone else gets to the benefits is a hard pill to swallow . Give this time and pause on it .

Thanks Caligirl, this is kind of what I was doing, I think. It's good to hear your similar experience and feelings. You can see my "why" above. I've tried to combine "have no expectations" and "is this better for my children than her missing from their lives?" I'm letting it rest. They are happy to see her.


Time to open my eyes. Time to open the shutters and go outside. What am I waiting for?

Kings Kaleidoscope - by Kings Kaleidoscope

In the morning do you want to hide
Shut the shutters up and stay inside?
You're a dreamer with an open eye
What are we waiting for?
...
Are you filling all your space and time
Too afraid to let a friend inside?
You're a current that can turn the tide
So what are we waiting for?
...
You're a kaleidoscope
Be the kaleidoscope
We're the kaleidoscope

g