Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[Valeska19]

Hi MG,
I think you did whatever everyone of us has done at some point during this journey. We temp-check to see where our partner is at. Now that you have - use the information given. And from the bleacher seats - that's pulling WAY back. There is still detachment that needs to be done.

My kissing him after the hike was in part to demonstrate that despite knowing about EA, he would be forgiven, especially if his fear of my knowing about affair is keeping him from moving forward.

He would have NO idea knowing this kiss is what you meant. And let me ask you this. Why are you kissing a man that has shown no intent of joining the marriage? We suggest no sex, no affection. It promotes cake-eating on his part.

Me. I am not in a good place with this EA confirmation. We went to EA's wedding 20 years ago. She attended ours. UGH. I've even wondered if she's in her own MLC? I know she didn't have a great marriage. She served her husband 5 years ago and they're officially D'd. How do I get past this? The betrayal wound is wide open, again..

You have to give it time. You have to allow yourself to go through the emotions that come with it. You have to do your work. Only until your self confidence is back - can you truly tell if an affair is a deal breaker or not. This is not something you share with your H in the meantime.

H: I’d still like a divorce.
M: Ok. Let’s get the process moving tomorrow? I can call an atty. (My response was from a detached and passive standpoint. I embraced the situation without hesitation – something came over me. I know the DB response is to say that it’s his D. Thoughts on my response?)
H: Well, let’s wait a bit> I need you to have medical insurance coverage. (This is a repeat convo we had the last time we talked 7 months ago and almost convenient as I raised the follow up appt for tomorrow. Would you agree? Keeping me on a string without saying so?)
M: We’re not staying married for money.
H: It’s not for money. It’s for coverage.
M: I can pay for coverage. I have a job.
H: I just can’t take the chance of going back and things are the same again.
M: I’m not fighting you. You’ve decided and as I’ve said before, I’ll give you your divorce if that’s what you want. As for me, I haven’t had a change of heart. I still remember and believe in our vows, a covenant I honor.
H: Well, I just don’t see it any other way.

Well done. I think you showed real love for YOURSELF here.

I looked into options for a litigation representative. I know this is in response to feelings having resurfaced and living in limbo. Throwing in the towel was the answer MANY times this weekend. As I felt through my heartache, I question if I really want a D or if I'm feeling the crucible that DnJ describes limbo to be... Then I wonder if I'm manipulating...as I wonder if he'd wake up. Oh feelings. Oh thoughts. Oh confusion.

Yeah the grief of a marriage dying is really REALLY hard. The emotions make the water all muddy and sometimes it's hard to see the truth and work on accepting it. I used to put up "reality check" post its all the time.

" I dont wan't a Divorce, but I have to accept that She/He Does"
" I am not throwing the towel, I am accepting that He/She Does has"
" I am moving forward with (hiring a lawyer, separting financers, etc) as a way to accept his/her decision"

I think it's really interesting that you asked yourself if you were manipulating... honestly that was my first thought with the breakfast. That you were manipulating a few things to yourself as part of the "bargaining" part of grief. It makes sense and it's okay... but do continue to try and remember what is real.

Your H is still reeling. He hasn't made any attempt to come back into the marriage.


Act accordingly to continue taking care of yourself!