Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I think, for H, that without the external judging he felt occurring, and with less outward blaming, his own internal judgemental voice can be heard more. Perhaps, he is looking within.

Yet, it's contradictory to detaching. Isn't it?

I understand the conversation with H stirred up things for you. Detachment is when your emotions are not being uncontrollably dragged around. Key word - uncontrollably. (Indifference is when you are numb.)

Sure your thoughts have intensified and you spent/invested some time into processing, and peering into the crystal ball. You were not a puddle on the floor, crying uncontrollably. You controlled you! You are detached.

You received new information, about H, about the situation, it’s perfectly normal to ponder/rationalize such. Just don’t get lost down the rabbit hole though.

I’d not be surprised if indifference is unwinding for you. That weirdly peaceful numbness. Again, perfectly normal. Feeling do return. We don’t remain indifferent forever. We just aren’t uncontrollably dragged about. And with our inner work, self control, healing, etc, we regain our power and stand for ourselves.

I looked into options for a litigation representative. I know this is in response to feelings having resurfaced and living in limbo. Throwing in the towel was the answer MANY times this weekend. As I felt through my heartache, I question if I really want a D or if I'm feeling the crucible that DnJ describes limbo to be... Then I wonder if I'm manipulating...as I wonder if he'd wake up.

Obtaining a lawyer and looking into the legal aspects is wise. Feelings aside, and I mean put your feelings aside, use your rational logical side for making decisions. Never throw in the towel based upon feelings. Feeling based decisions lead to regret.

Yes, seek legal advice. Information is power. Know your right and responsibilities; the procedure; debts and assets; property you’ll fight for and stuff you’ll let go; the outcomes - best case, worst case, and likely case. All good solid information.

Use that information, equally solidly. Make rational decisions. Taking into account your feelings as well, after all you’re not a robot. Remember, doing nothing is doing something.

Limbo ain’t for the faint of heart. Let your time in the crucible remove the slag and unveil the gem inside.

Oh feelings. Oh thoughts. Oh confusion.

Know thoughts. Know feelings. No confusion. (Well, less confusion. )

Know thyself.

I know that I can't help him yet I seem to be inclined to think I can.

Yep, most of us are fixers.

Let go, or be dragged.

Me. I am not in a good place with this EA confirmation. We went to EA's wedding 20 years ago. She attended ours. UGH. I've even wondered if she's in her own MLC? I know she didn't have a great marriage. She served her husband 5 years ago and they're officially D'd. How do I get past this? The betrayal wound is wide open, again.

Folks embroiled in affairs are not emotionally healthy people. It’s an illicit relationship. Sneaking around. A dirty little secret. Breaking up a family. Working to destroy someone else’s vows. Etc. What well-balanced emotionally stable person seeks, or agrees to, such a thing? So yes, an AP is likely in some turmoil as well.

Betrayal is the worst thing someone can do another person. The wounds from such action are deep and many. (((Hugs)))

You can heal from betrayal. And I mean more than just having things scar over.

No amount of retribution or comeuppance will suffice. That will not take the pain and deep hurt away. The answer lay in you: Forgiveness.

It’s also the path for “How do I get past this?”.

Love the sinner(s), forgive the sin/deed/transgression. (Your focus on forgiving is on the act, not the person.)

How do I get past this? Control. Choice. With purpose. Ask yourself, why would I allow the actions of them/others to have control over me?

Healing, sincerely healing, is a hard road. Holding a grudge feels empowering. It’s not. It takes a lot of energy to hold and maintain a grudge. Yet, that is our default. Programmed by society, media, and such.

Forgiveness is freeing. It’s is for you. From you.

It’s not so much taking the pain and hurt away, it’s letting go of them. Giving the pain and hurt away. Giving it to God.

It’s interesting how strongly folks hang in to their pains and grudges. And I mean, will fight against letting go. I get it, letting go feels less powerful. Angry, mad, furious, rage, are strong and intense emotions. They feel big and powerful. Yet, feelings are fleeting. And feelings are not facts.

Let them go. And embrace forgiveness. Find peace and contentment. It’s a much more powerful state.

Is it typical for MLCers to bounce between styles in the journey? Or is his pulling back contributing to the thought that he may be tending towards D/W?

Let me preface this with a caveat/warning. MLC is a wild cauldron of emotions and torment, so no guarantees.

It is uncommon for a MLCer to bounce between styles, while in replay. A vanisher remains a vanisher, a boomerang remains a boomerang. Seeing a significant change in behaviour is usually indicative of them moving out of replay. Be this short term, long term, or permanent, remains to be seen.

H may not like, to a very high degree, not like what he faces and jumps back into running. You remain: Pressure-free. Not your journey. Time will tell.

Glad to read the yard is all cleaned up and winter ready. I agree, find someone to look after the snow.

Sorry about your errant washing machine. The door locks electrically. Unplugging the machine should deenergize the lock and allow you to retrieve the clothes. (I know, advice too late. lol)


And Happy Upcoming Birthday!!!

(I am also a Scorpio. My birthday is coming up in ten days. Your invited. We’ll have cake and ice cream. Play pin the tail on the donkey. Hide and seek. Tag. Have more cake. It’ll be a blast. LOL)

D