Rumspringa

[RegretfulLA]

Mama/DnJ -
Big hugs and thank yous... this board is a lifesaver. Your thoughtful and insightful input is so helpful - you have no idea.

I was just starting to feel better and back to normal, when today I found out more.

I realized that I have access to H's calendar so of course I looked at it.

What I found out:
He's been making plans with the woman from the journal and they are calendaring it!

This is very stupid. She's a lawyer. She should know that when you use your retirement funds to pay for an affair, it counts against you. Now I have proof. He traveled with her. I have screen shots. The fact that I can use this against him makes me feel a little better, but right now all I feel is intense rage.

Seems this is an ongoing relationship/affair. She keeps a private calendar to calendar their events (not her personal calendar but it comes from her email; it's definitely the person I thought it was). I wonder if she is also cheating?

I am struggling with the rage right now. I need to keep this all a secret from him so I can get what I need in the D. I have to be strategic. It is taking every bit of my strength not to confront him. To confront her. But I know that I need to keep an eye on the calendar and continue to gather evidence, as much as it upsets me.

After work, I got in my car, screamed 4 times, cried, and then I talked to my sister on my drive home. Then I got one of his surfboards, wrote 'CHEATING LYING [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]' all over it and then hacked at it with a pickaxe. I feel better now.

I changed my password at work to be an acronym of "why would you want to be with someone so weak" (a mantra of mine) so that I could remember it several times a day. Changing my master password too away from H's old pet name for me to something empowering. I haven't decided on that yet.

I scheduled call with L for tomorrow.

All these things help me take back my power. The fury of betrayal motivates me to take action. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, including getting cancer while I was pregnant.

Next step is to work on my financial plan so I can go in there prepared. I intend to file first. I'm really scared about how this is going to work out financially, but I am the one who controls the purse strings. This is to my advantage.

I know none of this is in the spirit of DB, but what I take from the book and from this group is the idea that I do have some control. That I can be intentional about my actions. That by being intentional, I can benefit. That I am not helpless in an otherwise horrible situation. Believe me, I am no longer interested in getting H back. The only way I would even consider taking him back is if he had a complete come to Jesus moment and was able to truly work on himself and be 100% truthful with me. So far, I see no evidence that that will happen, aside from some regret in his voice when we talk. I would like to think that H feels some sort of shame for treating me this way, but maybe he doesn't. I know he carries around a lot of shame in general. Maybe part of him is doing this so he can "prove" that I love him. This is the part that I need to let go: the hope that we will repair our marriage - and this might be the hardest thing.

I wonder - if he came back and said he wanted to work on the marriage - would I? In the absence of him coming clean about the A, no. I would not. One of my favorite people says "Watch what they DO, not what they SAY!"

I told my mother my intentions to D and she was as empathetic as she could be, which is to say, she did not miss her calling as a therapist. When I went through first DB in 2012 she was mostly focused on making sure that I was not going to leave the brass andirons in my fireplace behind. I am not kidding about that. This is adding to my disappointment. She is not very supportive, although i know she wants to be.