Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[DnJ]

Good Morning Pack

I’m glad you dropped in. It’s good to hear from you.

I am reaching a place where hearing about OMs does not affect my peace; I never thought I’d be able to say that.

Well done!

Pretty sweet, isn’t it?

Today marks the last month I have to pay alimony

Yay! The extra funds will be welcomed I’m sure.

and that has driven me to seek support here again.

Let’s have a look.

We’ve often said that I cannot feel guilty for what she offers or doesn't offer the kids when they’re with her. We’ve also said that no matter how much I pay her, it wouldn’t change the fact that she is free to spend it however she wants. I am working on reframing my thoughts: I will always give my children what they need—that is all I can do. Her financial situation is no longer my concern. It has been five years since BD, and she left me at home. LH once said not to become bitter over money, not to be that man, and I keep that thought in mind. Yet here I am, still wondering if this makes me selfish...

Yes, reframing/controlling your thoughts will alter/clarify things. In that vein, a few underpinnings you should consider:

- “I cannot feel guilty for what she offers or doesn't offer the kids when they’re with her.”

You can feel however you feel. For you do and will. Stating you cannot, when you can or do, leads to confusion and not accepting of said feelings. And it is hard to move forward with such.

I am not culpable, nor responsible, for what she offers or doesn’t offer the kids when they’re with her.

That statement is accurate and correct. You can feel all kinds of things. Acknowledge them. Let them go. In the end, you control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Not XW or her action/inaction.

- “no matter how much I pay her, it wouldn’t change the fact that she is free to spend it however she wants.”

Sort of. She is free to spend alimony however she wishes to. Child support is supposed to be allocated to the children and their expenses. She is not completely free to do whatever she wishes with those funds. That being said, policing that would be a nightmare. And not your job.


Yes, her financial situation is no longer your concern. Or responsibility. Or Problem. It’s not. So you don’t need to fix it. (Yay!)


“Yet here I am, still wondering if this makes me selfish...”

I guess you have some feelings of being selfish. Remember, feelings do not equate to facts. Such feelings are likely stirred up due to this being the last month of alimony.

Rationalizing, looking at the facts of things, helps quell and understand the emotions and their triggers. The what and why of your feelings.

You were married for five years, and paid the requisite alimony due to the duration of the marriage.

I am suspecting XW’s financial picture is less robust than your’s. You’re building a house, making a home, with bedrooms for the kids. Starting a business. Living and loving life. You’ve worked hard to get here. No need to feel guilty or selfish about your efforts, nor the dividends now being paid out from those efforts and hard work.

Or, if XW’s financial picture is brighter than your’s. That’s ok. Let it go.

Either way, alimony is complete. Just child support - and maybe with 50/50 custody there is none, or minimal.

I have many thoughts about the sacrifices I made to be close to S11 and S6. They truly are the best part of my life, which shows in every trip, party, weekend outing, and bedtime reading session. However, I feel like I have distanced myself from the ambitious young man I was in my 20s who wanted to live in a large metropolitan city and have an amazing career. Starting a business from Spain in cloud artificial intelligence is proving challenging, and balancing it with my full-time job is consuming my days. But I see it as the only way to reconnect with that part of me.

Everyone makes sacrifices. Oftentimes, those sacrifices are made unwittingly and unknowingly.

People sacrifice their financial future to go on a trip they can’t really afford, purchase a car, or whatever. Some folks made life sacrifices by not attending class back in high school. Some sacrifice their time with family for their career. And on and on.

We cannot have it all! That’s the big lie. Yet, people run around, live their lives, like they can have it all.

Unwittingly and unknowingly. People ignore and defer the cost for immediate gratification. Yet, the bill comes due. It always does.

You see your sacrifices. The cost. The reason why. The choice. It truly is sacrificing one thing for another.

The luckily few, see this. See the cost and choice. The wise few make the choice. It’s within your control. Ah, accountability. If there ever was a bane of modern society. lol. Being accountable. Owning your actions and choices. Even those you made unwittingly.

Anyhow, you see this. And with that vision, sacrifice becomes investment. You choose to invest in something, rather than sacrifice something. Yes, it’s a bit of semantics, and yet more. When one accepts they cannot have it all, they can choose to invest in what they truly need and/or desire.

Kids and their futures for example. What are you willing to sacrifice for such an investment? What is a sensible sacrifice? Fully realizing that your financial success has a factor upon their future too.

Of course, your most precious resource is time. One of my life-long tenets was/is, “when given a choice between time and money, always choose time”.

One of my best, well one I am most proud of, investments/sacrifices was paying off my mortgage. I could see the writing on the wall from my employer, and the pressures they could, and were, exerting upon their staff. Forcing them to move.

I (and XW) purposefully chose to forgo a few years (seven actually) of vacation and get the mortgage paid off. And out from under the heal of my employer’s boot. We still had vacations, just more local is all.

After those years, with the extra monthly funds, the street was much easier. The extra years of said monies funding many vacations, trips, kids activities, and their future schooling. And yes, I/we did manage to remain in our house, even with all the shenanigans from my employer. I did have to commute for over two decades however. Sacrifice/investment. There is always a cost. I made mine with purpose.

Anyhow, just some musings of a single Dad of four grown successful kids. (With my first Grandkids on the way. And twins!! Gosh, Grandpa DnJ.)

Have a great day.

D