Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[Pack_19]

Hi all,

I can't believe it has been over a year since I last posted. DB continues to be part of my daily routine. While others might listen to music at home, I still listen to my audio with the golden tips I’ve gathered from all of you, especially Sandi, Steve, and LH. It helps me reinforce the image in my head of the man I want to be and the idea that there is only one way ahead.

Where can I begin? xW and I maintain a business-like relationship around the kids and finances, and that’s all. Whenever I drop off or pick up the kids, I focus on them and the fun things they did with their mom. I ALWAYS leave first and look her in the eyes when she has something to share. I have learned to love and respect the man I am becoming, and that attitude comes naturally.

A few months ago, the kids came home talking about mom's friend, how they visited him, and what they did with him. I stayed strong, remembering Gekko’s comment about being the one and only man, such a powerful presence that all others fade in comparison. I am reaching a place where hearing about OMs does not affect my peace; I never thought I’d be able to say that.

Today marks the last month I have to pay alimony, and that has driven me to seek support here again. We’ve often said that I cannot feel guilty for what she offers or doesn't offer the kids when they’re with her. We’ve also said that no matter how much I pay her, it wouldn’t change the fact that she is free to spend it however she wants. I am working on reframing my thoughts: I will always give my children what they need—that is all I can do. Her financial situation is no longer my concern. It has been five years since BD, and she left me at home. LH once said not to become bitter over money, not to be that man, and I keep that thought in mind. Yet here I am, still wondering if this makes me selfish...

I have many thoughts about the sacrifices I made to be close to S11 and S6. They truly are the best part of my life, which shows in every trip, party, weekend outing, and bedtime reading session. However, I feel like I have distanced myself from the ambitious young man I was in my 20s who wanted to live in a large metropolitan city and have an amazing career. Starting a business from Spain in cloud artificial intelligence is proving challenging, and balancing it with my full-time job is consuming my days. But I see it as the only way to reconnect with that part of me.

Recently, I read *The Rational Male* and am now reading *Meditations* by Marcus Aurelius. I’m not sure how much of the theory in the former is true, but the idea that a man reaches his peak attractiveness in his early 30s (due to various aspects of life aligning) stuck with me. I remind myself that these are the best times of Pack as a man, and that makes me feel strong and confident. I’ve been on many dates and continue learning about relationship dynamics, but I’m learning to be happy in my own shoes, as no woman has truly clicked on all levels for me. My sister got married two months ago. When I saw the pictures of me there, hugging S11 and S6, looking fit (daily CrossFit paying off), it all clicked. This is how my family looks now. I don’t regret anything I did with xW; everything I did was with the best intentions, given the limited knowledge and experience I had.

The new home will be ready in about a year, and the kids are thrilled about getting their own rooms and a place for all their toys. This month, I got my A license to ride any motorbike and keep improving my personal bests in CrossFit and running. GAL, GAL, GAL like a madman! Last November, I traveled to Disneyland Paris with the kids, my parents, and my sister. Probably the best money spent in years—what an amazing time we had. I can't wait to enjoy Christmas with them.

I keep moving forward, I keep improving, and I’m not done yet.

My PIES:

P - Gain 5kg of muscle, improve my marathon PB (sub 3:30), practice my sexual kung-fu, and continue to dress with my own style.
I - Build my own business, learn more about investments, improve my motorbike riding and car racing skills, and understand relationship dynamics.
E - Improve active listening and empathy, focus on the happiness from what I have, forgive xW, and detach.
S - Learn about oriental religion, talk to God and my family more often, and spend more time in nature.

Posting here always feels incredible. I will review newcomers’ posts. If there’s someone you think I could listen to and help, please let me know. I can’t wait to hear from you all.

Thanks for giving me some of your time again.
Pack