Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

Hello!

It was a touch weekend. Feelings. Oh, feelings were never ending. 

To profess not to feel judged, is admitting the opposite still happens… sometimes. His daughter not talking to him, nor going to his house. Got to be some feelings there. Usually such feelings are buried with blaming. Seems H is not blaming. So, maybe something else…

Pointing it out would indicate that it's on his mind. Good observation - TY. I didn't sense blaming either. Do you have any thoughts of what it could be? What could 'something else' be? Are you thinking a contributor to childhood trauma from long ago? Just curious what you meant.

You, keep doing what works, and less of what doesn’t. The conversations are fine, just be ready to back off really quick if things take a weird turn.

As DnJ says, keep moving forward. H is on his own path and can't be relied on.

Conversation is now welcomed more (by H). Well, maybe he welcomed it for the first time which let me into his world. Well, he showed me the world he wanted me to see.

Conversation with H also taught me that I'm not as detached as I was thinking. It's been hard to recover. Having given me so much to think about, I had a rough week and weekend processing. I spent more time than I'd like to admit finding my center.

And as I re-detach and do my own thing, I'm finding thoughts of H have intensified. And thoughts of H and EA have brought new feelings...not good ones. Re-detaching hasn't come easy.

I've learned that inviting H to breakfast works every time. I haven't been declined yet. Ane he always shows. Under the 'do more of what works and less of what doesn't' theory, I'd love to enjoy more breakfasts as he shows up and we engage. I don't invite though. Yet, it's contradictory to detaching. Isn't it?

I looked into options for a litigation representative. I know this is in response to feelings having resurfaced and living in limbo. Throwing in the towel was the answer MANY times this weekend. As I felt through my heartache, I question if I really want a D or if I'm feeling the crucible that DnJ describes limbo to be... Then I wonder if I'm manipulating...as I wonder if he'd wake up. Oh feelings. Oh thoughts. Oh confusion.

All of his mystery illnesses are interesting. You think he even connects them to his emotional state? He may be so detached from his own reality that he doesn't understand. His acting like a teenager is his way of avoiding pain.

I don't believe that he connects the two. At one point...in a rather passive way...on Sunday I asked if he thinks the anxiety may be bringing on the 'not feeling well' symptoms. It was brief and we carried on with our conversation. I know that I can't help him yet I see to be inclined to think I can. Sigh

You are a good woman MG. I hope H can come to his senses.

Thank you! I feel like most think I'm a good woman...well, except H, whose opinion I put so much value in. His opinion hasn't been carrying so much weight lately, but it still stings to know he lives down the road which is a choice to not choose me, a good woman. I know it's his journey but the sting is still there. Reminders like this one from you are helpful. TY. Frankly, most, if not all of us on this board are good and strong people. Being here speaks volumes about someone and that applies to you too, RL.

I’m sure H’s sharing of his thoughts about you are in a good portion a response of what had just transpired. It’s ok. MLCers have lots to burn through, and lashing out and venting can promote forward movement.

Let's hope so. Still haven't heard from H. Not sure that I expected to, but certainly hoped. Knowing how hard it's been to re-detach, I'm willing to bet I may have expected to some degree.

Celebrating milestone bdays and upcoming holidays aren't helping matters.

Why now? Growth.

As odd as it is, and horrible as it is, affairs are a band-aid. Remember, these hurt folks are using the AP to grow up from. Like a surrogate parent for the teenager self. They use them. And the AP uses the MLCer.

It is kind of help. Not directly, nor particularly healthy or well intentioned even. And there are many other ways and methods of guidance and help. However, that’s not what was chosen. Of course, if they could/would choose better they’d not be in crisis.

That’s the silver lining side. There is an entire ugly side of affairs which folks embroiled in these illicit relationships have to journey their way through.

I knew confirmation of an EA and possible PA would hit me hard. No matter how much I prepared. I always told him that there were 2 things he could do to dissolve our M. One of them was an affair. Learning about MLC has helped with a change of heart. Helped. Not changed my mind. And so I waver. This weekend, a D surfaced more than I'd like to admit. It's a hard pill to swallow. It's still sitting in my mouth. (the wet pill tastes nasty!)

I've not told H that I've reconsidered my feelings about an affair. Technically, it's a boundary that I've shared and reshared with him since BD. The last time I voiced it was mid-March. Still, H heard this boundary for a straight year - at least 5 times.

My kissing him after the hike was in part to demonstrate that despite knowing about EA, he would be forgiven, especially if his fear of my knowing about affair is keeping him from moving forward.

Me. I am not in a good place with this EA confirmation. We went to EA's wedding 20 years ago. She attended ours. UGH. I've even wondered if she's in her own MLC? I know she didn't have a great marriage. She served her husband 5 years ago and they're officially D'd. How do I get past this? The betrayal wound is wide open, again.

His take on things is the standard script/fare. Interestingly, he shared quite a bit. Even acknowledging some of his own shortcomings.

H was so tightlipped for so long that at some point, it had to come out. Agree that it is typical MLC script reinforcing that he's in MLC. Replay to be specific. Hearing himself admit things out loud can be helpful in a step towards acceptance. Afterall, step one is admission. I can hope.

Boomerangs do circle back and then fly off again. It’s ok to hope. Keep expectations to zero.

I don't feel like he's been much of a boomerang over the last couple of months. Meeting up at nephew's event wasn't his attempt. His parcel requiring my reach out wasn't his attempt. And that's what led me to invite him for breakfast. Is it typical for MLCers to bounce between styles in the journey? Or is his pulling back contributing to the thought that he may be tending towards D/W?

The ball is in his court. Stick to your boundaries. Do not sell yourself short. Do not falter. Live your life. Love your life.

Living life has been harder since we met but he doesn't know it, as we haven't engaged. For all he knows, I've returned to the 'Live your life. Love your life.' he experienced especially at nephew's event
a couple weeks back. This is a benefit of him having moved out.

Bumming that we don't have any pitch games scheduled tonight. Due to a conflict, we'll have a double header next week. Yes, another 5 hour marathon on a work night. One of next week's opponents is currently in 1st place so it should be an interesting night. We're in 3rd place which I am pleasantly surprised about. After all, this was for fun. Clearly brother's and my competitiveness is still going strong.

Bday celebrations started yesterday - Aunt and cousin treated me to an afternoon of laughs and good eats. Much needed GALing. Bday dinner plans this week with D. S is flying home from work trip for this coming weekend. Trying to be in better spirits as I approach what many are trying to make a great memory for me. Yet, I'm struggling to show up as they deserve. As I deserve. I'm surrounded by so much love & support. It's not lost on me.

On the house front, leaves are all picked up. Yard looks great. Hoping to not have to get back out there with a rake/mower.

I'm on the lookout for someone to take care of snow removal this winter. Collecting estimates. Wonder what the going rate will be...

While doing a load of laundry yesterday, the washer decided it was too tired to finish the load. It was no longer responding to me pushing buttons. I ruled out the potential circuit breaker issue. Tried a couple other troubleshooting ideas and speculate that it may be the control board...as it isn't responding. Meanwhile, the door is locked with a wet load sitting in there until someone can come to fix it. It's possible that the locked door has shut down the board. We'll see.

Dogs are enjoying me being home more as I burn through PTO. It's been nice to sit under a blanket with them. Lots of cuddles.

I'm currently making soup to warm up the insides. Love me some soup. Any and all soup.

MG