Rumspringa

[mamabird]

H received and was appreciative of the book and said he'd read it. Before he moved out he was not open at all to any sort of self help in the form of a book - at least not any book that I could offer.

Finding myself incredibly angry and spitting venom into my set of locked One Note documents. I guess it's just how I have to process this. I have to go to work, leave this bottled up all day and then I come home and need to release all the thoughts that have built up during the day.

I am sleeping better at least.

One thing - I had a business trip this week and H came to my/our house to watch my dogs while I was gone. Yesterday he left the house at noon and texted me to ask if dogs should be in or out because he was going to be gone all day and not back until late. The neighbor brought the dogs in and he never made it back here until 10 am the next day.

I asked him to take care of my dogs and he left them alone for 22 hours.

Denies that the reason he went back to his own house had anything to do with the plans he made all day/night.

I came home from business trip and spoke to him as he was here with my dogs. I'm really too upset to want to see him or talk to him but yet I still find myself really wanting his approval. I've always sought his approval and he made a habit of withholding it, which made me want it more. It's even worse now that he's been with someone else.

At least he is making it easy for me to follow through with my resolve to D.

My work for me now is to figure out why I put up with so much rejection from him. Why it took something completely shocking and jarring to allow me to see our negative patterns of relating. And why I STILL want his approval, despite all that has happened.