Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[mamabird]

Hi Mama -
Wow, that's a lot and sounds like ice has broken a bit. Good for you for showing so much restraint. You are doing an amazing job with DB! Your H reminds me so much of mine. H and I have been doing a bit of reading into attachment styles and he's totally "fearful/avoidant" - sounds like yours is too.

It seems to me that he's going to be simultaneously reaching out and pulling back. He obviously misses you and still has love for you but there's something else inside that's pulling at him more strongly. Yes, he's obviously quite depressed. Perhaps you can mention therapy again if he gives you signals that he's open to it.

At some point he will need to do the work that he needs to do. Even if things get better and improve, if he doesn't really heal, the wounds will open up again. I DB'd successfully in 2012 and we did marriage counseling through 2015. Things improved, then got horrible again in 2019 when H "fell in love" with a very young woman which kicked off MLC. I didn't know about that until just recently, but somehow he managed to pull himself out of that funk and we were fine through the pandemic. Now here we are again. My point is - my H never did the work he needed to do to ensure that he wouldn't slip into his old patterns. Your H needs to do that work too so he can be fully present.

All of his mystery illnesses are interesting. You think he even connects them to his emotional state? He may be so detached from his own reality that he doesn't understand. His acting like a teenager is his way of avoiding pain.

As DnJ says, keep moving forward. H is on his own path and can't be relied on.

You are a good woman MG. I hope H can come to his senses.