Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[grok]

Line of contact

after Milton

That Friday, we are in recovery mode.  No gas available.  No power.  Slowly putting things away and performing cleanup.  Cold showers.  Figuring out temporary routines.

Sometime around noon I notice XW's van parked at the end of the street two houses down.  I've seen no messages.  Kids are just doing their own thing.  I wonder how long she has been there.  I wonder what she is doing.  I say nothing.

She stays there all day and evening.  I'm not sure if kids notice or not.  They don't go out to her.  

Late evening, I think?  She comes in to say goodnight to kids.  She says some mention of ... well, there is no internet available at her RV.  And that she is off to find someplace cooler to sleep.  Logical me of course still runs it though logical thought processes first.  

* No home internet or cellular hot spot?  
* You had both, ...
* Either way, why park outside my home?
* You could get internet service so many other places and ways.
* ..... And on.

Stop it G.  You noticed disconnects.  Let it go.  

settlement

One evening last week, I was doing something outside when the XW drove up.  She walked up and asked if we could talk for a few minutes.  I said sure, and just stood there.  She indicated maybe it would be better to go inside and talk in private.  Since the kids were not outside, I just stood there and asked what it was she wanted to talk about.  

* About the financial settlement, we need to start doing it
* Because the kids are never going to accept going to her RV
* She is planning on buying a house with property where her parents can build or park their RV
* She will pay cash...
* Which requires the settlement money
* Because finding a job has proven really hard
* Since unlike me she doesn't know anything about mortgages and stuff
* She knows their will be some sort of maintenance cost and effort associated
* The kids can come over then and do their school work in peace since the dogs barking won't bother them other there
* She can take the mean chicken other there
* Her dad will help her do all this
* It will be closer because those 11 miles back and forth are killing her

I stayed slurping my STFU smoothie.  Listened attentively.  Thought about she could be doing any of the settlement items herself if she wanted.  Thought about the default role she is following.  She expects me to lead, her to follow.  Thought about the split sets back any retirement consideration about 10 extra years of work.  Spoke business.

* I have started.
* Small investment account X has been cashed out and agreed amounts transferred to an account in your name.  
* MUCH larger account F has been contacted and I am working through what they need to split as agreed.  
* I will start on account F2 later.
* Others to follow

This has not been my priority.  None of this is operating funds.  I'm busy living life.  Other thoughts I had.

* I don't think she realizes that some of this will require court orders which will cost more $1000s.  
* I don't think she really understands the cost tail associated with maintaining a house.
* I don't think she really understands the kids not coming over to the RV is NOT about the RV.
* No S*** finding work paying for the life you had been provided for is not so easy as you keep thinking.  That was my expression of love, commitment and sacrifice.
* 11 miles?  This is the woman always rolled her eyes at my unhappiness when my commute extended another 20 or 40 minutes each way...and proclaimed she was just fine with hours in traffic running the kids around.

showing up

Well, XW has been showing up more often each work day and working with S12 on his homeschooling.  Perhaps 15 to 20 hours each week lately.  It overlaps with D17's time a home a few hours.  ... It had been as few as 2 hours in a week.  

I find myself feeling irritated sometimes.  It feels like cake eating.  and is in many ways.  She gets happy time with the kids when she shows up without any of the work of running a household or family.  As a workmate quiped, "Everyone wants to be the grandparents."  

I remind myself I made this choice to allow her in my home during work hours for this purpose.  It was never explicit, but in my mind it gave my children continuity, a single home, and avoided a custody questions.   ...  

why

Why does it cause me damage?  perhaps we are never quite as detached as we think.  perhaps I am judging rather than giving her to God.

...perhaps it has roots in HOW we love differently, makes us uniquely vulnerable in different ways...

Men and women love differently. I would argue that most women love their children more deeply than the men in their lives, perhaps because we biologically see our children as needing our protection. In contrast, male love tends to encompass both their women and their children. A man would willingly endure hardship to keep those he loves warm and safe. Most men express their love in a steadfast and dutiful manner - grounded in logic. For many men, providing affection, support, and protection is a rational choice. 

In many ways, men are more vulnerable in love because it is less ruled by emotions. Once a good man makes a choice, he usually commits fully. We, however, often love through the lens of emotion, which can colour our logical decision-making. Without spiritual and emotional self-awareness, many women can be as cruel as we are loving, justifying our actions as “morally correct” because it "felt right" in the moment. Until we learn to emotionally ground ourselves, we may unconsciously rely on the men around us to fulfil that role. I believe many men recognise this dynamic and often dread the implications of their feelings for a woman. 

Men's practical love is embodied by their willingness to make significant sacrifices, akin to giving an organ to the woman they cherish. Conversely, a woman's version of "ride or die" love often manifests as an unwavering pseudo-spiritual-level emotional commitment. For us, a profound romantic emotional bond we form is like giving away a part of ourselves - an emotional organ that can only be shared so many times - perhaps fewer than three in a lifetime. 

I think the key to fostering long-term female love lies in gratitude - for how men love. However, this requires a degree of psychological and spiritual purity and maturity. Spiritually healthy women tend to find joy in the beauty of the world, making gratitude a more accessible and natural response.

This does seem to describe me.

g