Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

H made it to breakfast and he got his parcel. Here is a summary of the couple hours.

10/26: met for breakfast

1. I felt myself cycling rapidly in front of H – likely visible to him too.
- Shared I was nervous to be there and didn’t know if I was going to stay long. Saying these words caught him (and me) by surprised. I told him I wasn’t hungry (I’m ALWAYS hungry.)
- After sitting, I stared at him for a bit, speechless, and then one of us broke a smile followed by the other smiling. I wasn’t sure what either of us were doing – I then realized that in my mind I was telling him I missed him and loved him but was very confused and ready to walk (that stare was quite informing as I acknowledged my emotions. Not sure what he was thinking).
- In moments, I felt detached as I provided some blank stares (STFU smoothies were delicious) and some truth darts throughout
- Told him he was unreliable and he immediately nodded and said he could understand as he hadn’t been showing up. I was impressed
- I told him that I changed jobs and he was visibly upset, confused. He asked why I didn’t tell him. My facial expressions may have said it all but I followed it up with “You moved out.”

2. I saw/felt some empathy in him? feelings?
- He asked how I was doing? Sometimes does but he seemed to actually want to know this time. I didn’t offer much but engaged a tad.
- He asked about dogs – when I didn’t share enough, he probed about dogs again
- No questions about kids
- Told me D doesn’t talk to him and doesn’t want to go to his house. I reminded him that they’re both adults and need to sort it out on their own
- I observed that he could ‘read the room’. He knew I wasn’t comfortable being there and visibly tried to bring easy topics to surface after talking about how things have been and I wasn’t completely sharing.
- He shared that he feels better now that he’s not being judged. He can wear what he wants, do what he wants – described teenager life without having to report back.

3. H shared all his recent aches/pains – he’s often nauseous and sprained this, twisted that, etc. (Is this what deep depression feels like?)
- He told me in July that he was sick for 2 days – happens to be the 2 days after I told him I packed up his stuff and it’s in the basement
- Sick this past Th/F – happens to be the 2 days between when I invited to breakfast and the day of breakfast with me

4. H told me a few things I knew but I didn’t lead onto knowing:
- On A/Ds; not numb but they’re helping him

H: What kind of A/Ds do you take?
M: I’m not depressed; I’m healed – this was alarming to him. No A/Ds here.
H: Oh
M: I needed to heal and move on so I did that over the last 5 months. I’m healed now.
H: I don’t drink as much – I only had x and y yesterday but nothing else all week.
M: I don’t drink.
H: At all?
M: No.

- Got a dog

H: I rescued a dog. Details, details about dog and the rescue were provided.
M: That’s great. Can’t believe people treat pets that way.
H: I know. She’s so great. Her name is C and I gave her a bit of a haircut yesterday. (He proceeded to show me a pic with extreme excitement, like a kid in a candy shop.)
M: That’s great. (I was passive in response. He was disappointed that I didn’t take greater interest. Stared at the pic on his own for a bit and then put his phone down.)

- Went to SC and a concert – so I wasn’t sure but already had a suspicion since I knew EA went to SC for a concert over summer. BUSTED, but I didn’t say anything.

H: What about you? What have you been up to?
M: I went to SC this summer and attended a concert.
H: Me too. (I could see the immediate connection he felt and interest in sharing. I sat back and just stared at him for what felt like minutes but likely 10 seconds. My instinct was to drink the STFU smoothy and see if he’d come clean. Nope.)
M: I also did X while in SC (I returned to my story and didn’t share who I went with. H didn’t ask.)

5. I told him I will not abandon him ever and I know he’ll never abandon me (ummm. he has but it felt right to say)

6. H suggested we talk tomorrow on a hike

I put $20 on the table and began to pack up. H said he would cover breakfast. We went back and forth a bit and I then grabbed the $20 back. We walked out. I went in for a hug and off we went our separate ways.

What do you make of this all? Where did I DB? Where did I not DB? I feel like I provided a mixed bag of thoughts - which certainly matched my insides. lol

As I lay my head down on Saturday night, I'm unsure of how I feel although I know that I miss him. I'm unsure of what to do now? Where is his head? What's he really been up to?.....

Really need everyone's advice....

MG