Rumspringa

[RegretfulLA]

I’m finding on my end H wants to go back to the way things were many many years ago . Unfortunately whether we like to admit it or not we will never be the same as we once were . We also come out of this changed with different wants , needs or views on how we want our marriage to look and feel .

Key thought here... I found I was clinging to the hope that we could indeed return to the way things once were... but that was before kids, before cancer, before losing jobs and taking on massive debt, before hurts and injustices and just LIFE. It is not possible. The R itself is living and breathing - and just like we can't go back in time and be our 30 year old selves again, neither can a relationship. When we hope, we imagine the way we want things to be, not the way they actually are.

It is amazing how much my mindset has changed over the last few days. I went from unsure and maybe even a little bit hopeful to definitely in the D camp. Sometimes you just have to know when to call it.

Over the last 2 days I've shared my story with a few close friends and one friend who isn't so close but who's H up and left. That friend got D and she's with someone new and very happy. It was good to talk to someone on the other side. None of these friends are in H's circle. Knowing I have so much support around is really comforting. I am lucky!

My plan now is to start interviewing L's and get my ducks in a row and start preparing for D. I am not going to say anything about this to H or to tip my hand with regards to what I know. That is all for me to use when the time comes. I am trying to stay a few steps ahead here. The notebooks are safe at my office. He can't get them and I can't open them up in the middle of the night either in a moment of weakness.

I have also decided that it's not fair that H gets to lie to me about his transgressions. Why do I have to bear the brunt of the pain while he gets to spare himself by lying to me? (although, I suspect that the lies are causing him tremendous guilt which explains his eagerness to help me). I'll also say, that regardless of the big, big, big, big, big, big mistake that H has made, if he had taken one of the opportunities that I gave him to come clean, I might see some hope in the situation. But, given that he cheated AND lied, and continues to do so, I do not see how this is repairable.

So, given that I have made this decision - am I allowed to still post here? This isn't exactly DB'ing, but it is taking back my power and finally acting in my own best interest.