Short version is she’s leaving her job and going no contact with him or it’s over for us. I know that’s not dbing and I’ll catch flack for it on here.
No flak from me.
Ultimatums are about timing. In the beginning, most LBS are far too scared, hurt, sad, etc. to follow through. That makes such statements empty threats which when/if called just erode things further. Most “early” ultimatums are trying to manipulate the other person.
Time and space. Focusing on you. In time, the LBS heals, does their inner work, and becomes. They stand tall, know their value, their faith, themselves. The journey of strengthening that which serves, crafting that which one aspires to, and discarding that which no longer, or doesn’t, serve.
The LBS understands control. How they control only themselves.
During this time, one’s spouse has time to burn through their emotions. Their infatuation, their anger, their upset. Maybe even feel lost, regret, remorse, guilt, shame, and so on. Or not. The spouse’s path and the LBS’ are individual, and may or may not converge at a opportune time, or at all.
Time.
Control.
The LBS finds themselves.
Is it an ultimatum or a boundary? Are you controlling you? Your actions?
For me, I have a rock solid boundary for any reconciliation: If XW is involved with OM, she is not involved with me.
That’s involved in any capacity! Period. Yes, he sells eggs around town. So what, buy them at the store. She will have no contact, ever, with him again.
Just one of the requisite items on my list of how to demonstrate consistent behaviour to foster/regain trust.
Of course, XW and I haven’t even spoke in seven years. She’s very much still running. And involved with OM. lol. (In truth, at this point, I’m kind of rooting for the two of them to remain together.)
Anyhow, your boundary, I get it. No contact with OM. “Oh, but he is a good friend.” So what! There are 8 billion other people on the planet, pick one, because: If he is in your life, I’m not.
That’s the level of commitment and demonstrated behaviour I’d have to see before opening my heart and home to my XW. The actual implementation of such, would be along the lines of her and I dating while living separately. A contiguous twelve month countdown of no contact with OM before I’d consider her moving in. Any contact, and the timer resets. 12 months. A year. Time to demonstrate to me and herself she’s ready and truly wanting a relationship.
You, however, are under the same roof.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She was very apologetic, for the first time ever and swears it’s over, wants me, blah blah blah. Time will tell.
Yes, time will tell.
Clearly state your boundary to W. Be precise. (To yourself as well.)
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
