Thoughts for this week on my end . Guilt is heavy on my head and heart .
Home life has been so calm with kids and H . H is still doing the same consistent behavior . Counseling , being home and not pressuring me into any R talk.
On my end . I’m just doing my thing still . Spending a lot of time with the kids . That’s my GAL. We go everywhere . On occasion spending time out with my girlfriends for a quick bite or catch up . Decorating for holidays which is almost stress relief for me . Must I add retail therapy . I truly find joy in taking care of others . It took me a long time to feel as though this was ok . For years everyone had told me worry about you . Over time I realized this was me and learned to embrace it . Oddly enough I resemble more of the parent my father is the older I get . The planner and have joy from just sitting back and taking in the view of what you planned . I don’t have any childhood trauma . Grew up in a normal household with 2 loving parents who still spend every minute together . My father struggles the most out of the family I told because he never was like this nor even thought of it . Very strong supportive of kick him to the curb , you didn’t deserve any of this and will be in the same position again . Leave and do not look back .
Here comes the guilt . I’ve been noticing how happy my children are having two active parents in the household . They ask now everyday what time is daddy coming home and I’m able to give them a solid answer and he’s there on time . Mostly though I have just recently started to lean them H way a little more . Example would be : I’m cooking and they would normally walk past my H to ask me for help or most nights he wouldn’t even be there . Routine was always kids just go to mom . But now I started saying daddy’s right over there , moms cooking see if daddy can help . H smiles and always helps them . 6 months ago if he was home it would be a reason why he couldn’t help or would tell them to wait . Insert the guilt - I don’t know I can keep going like this . I am deathly scared to ask him to leave for fear of the fall out with the kids . They are just so darn happy the last few months . On the other hand I’m deathly scared to put myself back into a marriage even a baby step in where I had a non existent spouse emotionally . I just do not see myself ever trusting this man again . The things that for short times overwhelm my thoughts are the conversations where I said I know you are cheating and have been for a long time . Do not throw it in my face . I’m not following you around nor do I have the time or want to . I know for a fact those conversations were repeated -hence why the letter came months later because A partner knew I wasn’t looking for it and didn’t really pay too much mind to it . So it was a get even when H ended it or maybe a last ditch effort to get H to leave in their grand scheme of things . The more I read about A trauma the more I start to realize . Healing from it is not an easy road . But also deep down there’s a big part of my heart that knows I may forgive him . I may love him . But he has the capabilities of doing this and doing it again . Is that someone I really want to spent the next 50 years with in sacrifice of my children being happy .
