Rumspringa

[mamabird]

Thank you all. This was certainly the most unwelcome news, but on the other hand, I think I really needed this slap in the face. I realize that I still was carrying around some hope that H and I would reconcile and that things would be like they were at the beginning of our marriage. Now that I have had a good glimpse inside his head, I see that this is foolish.

But there's more to tell.

First of all...

After I checked in here yesterday with this bombshell I continued to look for other notebooks and I found one with some stuff in there. It contained 2 passages of considerable note. One was him working out a note/letter that he was writing to someone. Didn't say who he was writing to, but I knew exactly who it was because he referenced by name this woman's girlfriend coming back into the picture, and I was familiar with the players in that story. He was trying to figure out how to tell her that now that the girlfriend is back, he feels like she doesn't have enough time for him and it upsets him. That's he's low priority. And that he would hate to give up "their friendship benefits" or something like that - and they should not "make plans" any more.

Unfortunately, the woman he was writing the letter to has the same name as the woman he referenced in the other notebook re: affair. I thought she was a random that he had met on that site, but no. This woman is someone he worked with, someone who I understood to be gay. In fact, when I first read the affair diary entry, which contained a name, it I wondered if it could be that woman, but no, I thought, she's gay. He mentioned that she was someone who slept with "dozens of men and women" (including him! Yippee!) This, combined with the other letter, all but confirms her identity. And also, the breakup letter was written BEFORE the diary entry. So who knows how long this has been going on. I've also now realized that the BDSM/Polyamory books that I discovered (the very first clue in this whole saga) were in RESPONSE to the affair with this woman.

Having all of those pieces fall into place was a sick realization. Didn't sleep too well last night.

The second thing -
There was one entry about his mother. He rarely reflects upon his mom but I think she is at the root of his problems, having abandoned the family when he was a young teen. Anyway, in this particular post he said that he felt like she broke up with him and his sense of abandonment was very, very, very high.

He also said that he felt like he was disappointing everyone, including our dogs.

Also, kind of unfortunately, I already had this plan with him to help me move a heavy piece of furniture from my office to my house. So I had to face him today fresh off the confirmation that he's a liar and a cheater with me feeling hurt but of course wanting his attention/approval. I wanted to ask him SO BADLY how long this has been going on, and I wanted to prove I knew all about everything. But I didn't. What I said was, at some point, I would like to know the truth from you. He said, the truth is that we're on a trial separation. The truth is that I was unhappy in our marriage. I said, "I know we're on a trial separation. I think you know what I mean when I am asking you to tell me the truth." No accusations, no big zingers.

A couple other realizations:

• He's beyond broken - it's very sad - wish I could help him but how can I when he's so afraid of rejection? Everything I would say to help would get turned around into a rejection. As you say, DnJ, I didn't break him and I can't fix him.
• In the act of trying to fix himself, he broke our marriage. I actually said this to him. He said maybe I was right.
• The information I read in the notebooks was information that I didn't want but that I needed so I could have the firepower to move forward.
• For better or for worse, I still love him. I want to hate him, but I love him which makes this extra difficult. I did NOT say that to him.
• Regardless of the fact that I love him, it's not healthy for me to be married to him anymore and now I have to grieve the end of the marriage.
• I can relate this well to the 5 stages of grief: Denial (what I was in for the last 3 years), Anger (when he dropped bomb and continued more destructive behavior), Bargaining (where I have been since he walked out - hopeful that we could continue), Depression (where i am now for sure), Acceptance (where I hope to end up)

I started asking around for names of lawyers today. It is time to at least get some info. To take the first step.

And to address the comments:

The answer in the form of questions-
Snooping can inform you as to what is / they think is going on, but.

Does knowing change what you should be doing? i.e. GAL, detach, etc…

Does knowing change what you would require of him?

The answer almost always seems to be that it doesn’t change either one.

The snooping does let you know where they are at in exchange for larger injury to your heart and soul.

Actually, I do think that knowing changes what I should be doing; e.g., going to L. And reading all about his inner turmoil has made me feel pretty sorry for him. So while I would not excuse all of his bad behavior, I realize that he's not capable of being a good husband and it's not really his fault or his choice. He can't be emotionally supportive or vulnerable in any way. Knowing has snapped me out of any hope that this is repairable. I need to give up on that foolish fantasy once and for all.

I am thinking of trying that exercise where you write a letter to the person to get your thoughts and feelings out but you never send it. As a young woman I used to write these letters all the time to help me get closure (back when we actually wrote letters).